a mind is very private..

it's not easy being green.

we had costume day yesterday at the fair cuz the theme of the whole thing is halloween. ang cute cute ng burger nila dans!! heehee.. i dressed up as elphaba, minus her braided hair because i was tamad na to make that, plus my hair's still short. i painted myself green, then kim and celine put green make-up on my face. now i know how elphaba felt - she was BORN GREEN! that's even worse than having people see your transformation from a C40 (that's my skin's shade according to MAC) to green!

ange's sister was hiding from me. then everyone gave stares, everyone was like "whoa what happened to you?" or "are you sick and would wanna barf anytime?", comments with the same context. hay, ang hirap pala talaga. now i know how hard it is to be different on the outside. kasi diba, very judgmental ang tao eh. it's always, being different would translate to being bad, which should not always be the case. pare-pareho pa rin tayong tao eh. pfsh. humans.

during the free show, banaag did a wonderful job! i was shy nga cuz my classmates were cheering for me eh i was not the only one on stage - my babies were there!! it felt good promoting the play with them. it felt good to be hyper (i was hyper before performing) and knowing that my hyperactivity had direction. after the free show, i was still hyper but the tired kind of hyper. it was fun. i love banaag. i'll never stop saying that.

no one's buying from our booth. i don't care that much, though. i just want to be with my classmates and take pictures bwahaha. i love them and i'll never stop saying that as well. last year's fair was spent with them too, and i was really really happy that i was there with them. ang galing yung picture with sir prangkie!! naulit sha one year later. we were in front of our booth kasi and had a picture there, tapos this year it happened again - same location of booth, same SONG playing at the dedication booth, same time of the day (late afternoon), then it was also the 1st day of the fair... amazing! nakakasenti...

today's our last second day of the fair. palapit talaga ng palapit sa finish line. ayokong makipag-unahan, kasi ayoko pa matapos.

i went on a break from the internet last wednesday til friday due to my last retreat as a high school student, which was probably the last retreat i'd participate in.

it was a realization of sorts. it began as something painful because i had to give up a bunch of things such as the use of my phone (there was hardly any signal, plus it wasn't allowed in the conference room), the internet, bisyo, etc. it was a time i had to devote to God and to 4-5.. it was nice that i did that.

upon getting there, we went hiking, then had a session which had everyone bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. then we had supper. after supper, i went out with celine and looked at the stars. i was looking at the sky and saw only a few stars, and i got disappointed. why the hell were there only a few stars when i wanted it to be many cuz that's one of the few times that i'd get to go stargazing tapos wala pang stars.. yun pala, may isang malaking poste ng ilaw sa harap ko... tapos i covered the light that it shed upon me, and saw a bazillion stars in the sky!!! nakita ko pa how they twinkled! ang ganda! sobrang ganda!

through that experience, i thought, what if those stars symbolize the people who love us - at first glance ang konti nila. mabibilang mo with your fingers and toes. tapos when you notice that there's something wrong with the way you percieve things, you begin to see the multitude of people who love you pero hindi mo alam.

there was idle time after supper, which celine and i spent outside the dorm, just talking. tapos bigla kaming na-senti. wala eh we just started crying and stuff. napa-reminisce, na-realize na shit! how much time do we have left again?

then ayun, natulog, gumising at hinarap ang panibagong araw. at some point naging dragging din yung retreat, pero nung gabi na, shit, ang ganda na naman. ang ganda na na-settle yung issues, na-set aside na yung differences, at lahat lahat na. we didn't just fix things as a class - we started fixing things with ourselves first. then after the activities in the evening, may nag-erupt na something na naayos din, which led to a great washing of the feet kasi assured kami na from the heart yun. wala pucha puffy eyes kaya nakakahiya magpic!

after the washing, nagbonding kami ni mommy. ang dami namin napag-usapan. then we went to the dorm tapos umakyat si ms borja kasi ang ingay daw namin. sabi ni mommy hindi na daw kami pwede mag-ghost stories, pero hinintay nya lang pala bumaba si ms borja. haha! then ayun ang scary nung kwento. as usual, sa pinaka-mamahal namin na speech room (which i love a whole lot more dahil sa speech room ako pinatira ng banaag ng isang taon.) shit pala tlga mga kwento dun noh?

it was nice seeing the "domino" effect sa classmates ko. there were some who slept so they won't hear the story, some slept because they became sleepy na as the story progressed.  wala lang ang cute nila. isa-isang bumagsak sa kama at natulog. ang sarap siguro maging kapatid ng classmates ko.

nung last day nainis ako kasi last day na. leche nagsink in sakin na last day na yun, tapos last retreat pa. once more, yung iniisip ko lang dati na mangyayari, memories na lang sha lahat. grabe yung giving of peace sa mass. grabe talagang hagulgol. well, yung pag-iyak ko naman in itself malakas na, and mas na-power up pa sha nung giving of peace na.. ang sarap ng pakiramdam. sobrang comforting. ayun, wala na mukhang hindi ko na naman na-control yung tear glands ko. sabi ko pa hindi ko naman kailangan ng tissue hindi naman ako senti mode eh. nang biglang sino ang unang umiyak, at sino ang huling tumigil sa pag-iyak?

ayun, so we left batulao at around 2pm, and reached mc at 5. it was a nice trip. it really helped a lot in giving me the motivation to go through all the challenges and the troubles so that i could emerge with scars, but successful nonetheless. upon getting to katipunan, i didn't want to get off the bus. part of me was saying that i should still spend the day with 4-5, but part of me was telling me to get back to the real world and go to the tanghalang sinag room because my babies are waiting for me. i opted to go to my babies. it only proved that i can't always have the best of both worlds - there had to be only one option.

gusto ko mag-retreat ulit. like i told my classmates, God hosts the best house parties!! 

this is quite fun!

since memorizing "la vie boheme" was quite a tedious task, i'm happy that i was able to do it.

anyway, that's not what i really wanted to say. i'm just amused at how the english area seems to be helping us seniors in understanding the lyrics of "la vie boheme" by exposing us to a few works by the artists mentioned in the song...

one time during english class, i remember discussing the poem "mother to son" by langston hughes. since then, lss ko na yung "lenny bruce, langston hughes, to the stage! to uta. to buddha." 

it's amusing how last friday during the english long test, there was this poem we had to analyze, and it was by maya angelou! as in, upon reading the author's name and a short background, i was like, wow! whattabout! since then i've been singing "to leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo, to huevos, rancheros and maya angelou!"

see how it's all coming together?

in film class with sir antiquera, we watched "dreams" by akira kurosawa. we didn't get to finish it though.. so here comes "german wine, turpentine gertrude stein, antonioni, bertolucci, kurosawa, carmina burana!" heeheehee.. the film's quite interesting. i got myself a copy, which i plan to watch in the weekend when i'm idle. 

and just today, in the english exam!! the poem we had to read was "united fruits co" by pablo neruda.. heehee this is so fun! "to uta. to buddha. pablo neruda too!"

wala lang natuwa ako... ooh! and we might choreo la vie boheme on saturday! oh what fun! those are days of inspiration...

oh and before i go, i just want everyone to know that on the 18th til the 20th of october, i'll be in batangas for my last high school retreat. probably the last retreat i'll ever go to, i dunno. so if you want to make my last retreat memorable, i guess you know what to do. if you don't know what to do, saang bato ka nagtago? heehee.. if it ain't too much to ask, please do write me a palanca! send it through email if you can't give it personally. i promise to love you without end if you gimme a palanca.. yay! thanks!

the physics exam awaits. God bless my poor, unfortunate soul. 

i feel like there's something wrong today, but i can't seem to point out what it is exactly. i dunno. it's getting me all freaked out. i swear i want things to be okay. i want everything back to normal. i NEED PEACE OF MIND!!

so the other night mommy and i talked about my score in the speech.. yeah i guess i got what i wanted already. thanks, mom. still hurts though.. but it kind of lit me up so all's well..

exams na tomorrow. we open with math and filipino. GREAT. and i got home at like 5pm today because my sister was off at 3:30 and my dismissal was at 1pm.

yes, the entry's becoming incoherent, but i dont want to care.

the film "dreams" by akira kurosawa is really freaky..oooh kurosawa... the one in la vie boheme! oh and during the english quiz a while ago, the poem we read was by maya angelou. wala lang nakakatuwa... la vie boheme lss galore.

putang ina yung episode dun sa tunnel eh!! todo nakakaleche!! "is it really true that i'm dead?" heh tigilan.. mga hapon tlga.

i really have this strong feeling na something's not right and it's really freaking me out. please.

btw, we had this mass today at the marian auditorium. i really didn't like how most people behaved. a lot of them were talking and man! the COUGHING was incessant it made me feel fucked. to quote gindy, "ano ba yan may TB ata mga tao dito." as in. i think it was intentional. nakakainis na, hello i highly value going to mass and praying and thanking God for everything and telling Him everything i feel. tapos may mga insensitive people who would be "not in the mood" to go to mass. again, hindi ako nagpapaka-self righteous. i was just inis at how people kept on talking and para bang walang nangyayari. nakakahiya.

i really hope that things would look up soon. not just for me, but for everyone. i hate feeling like this. parang basura.

heaven help me shoulder my load. 

yesterday was almost pure hell, which i guess was the purpose of having a hell week. it was almost the fuck of fucks yet again, but i guess i was getting too pessimistic..

we had a mass, which i could say was quite distracting. i mean, i was really trying to pray but then the people around me were talking. i can't stop it though. i mean, hey, there are times when i'd also talk during the mass, but i really wanted to talk to God and i'm disappointed that i didn't make use of that time quite well..

after the mass we finished the impromptu-turned-extemporaneous speech delivery. then we were given the grade for our julius caesar video and the grade for the speeches. i gave myself a 48 due to incoherence. then grace gave me a 50. but then mommy gave me a 42! the average of that is 46.7 lang!! and i've been getting only 47 or higher since God knows when! had i changed my self evaluation to 49, i would've gotten 47 flat, but i didn't change it na because i didn't want a "forced" grade. but i digress. what really made me depressed is the 42 that i got. i mean, wtf!? from 1st-3d year i've only been getting like 47 and above. then 1st quarter this year, sa extemporaneous, mommy gave me a 45, and it got me disappointed but okay anyways because my average was 47. pero ngayon, 42?!

42? 42? 42? ewan ko. nainis lang ako na hello, isang may balak mag-comm major hindi man lang magawang magspeech ng maayos? i mean, perhaps the only thing that i think i'm good at is having to face an audience and talking or doing all sorts of stuff in front of an audience, and that 42 told me that i suck even in doing that! what hurts pa is that dun sa stance, naka-encircle that i was "too stiff"..... whoa! too stiff!! was it because i didn't walk around? was it because i just stood there? delivering a speech need not require walking around. had i walked around i would have made the audience dizzy and ready to throw up by the time the next speaker would have her turn. i was told countless times that i should know how to stand still while talking, and now that i finally get to do that, nasabihan pa ko na too stiff?

as we ended english i felt a lump in my throat and was unable to hold back. i started crying and shit. nakakahiya nga eh nakita pa ni sir salayo! then recess came i was still crying... then math i was still crying whenever i thought of it. c.l, there'd be times na bigla na lang the tears would roll down. i know it seems mababaw for some, but paki nyo ba? my life, my emotions!

after elective class (freaky nung movie btw! but fun!), sir antiquera talked to me about my woes dun sa speech ko. tapos yun. it felt a lot lighter... and we talked about it again through text when i got home. he's just the greatest. sabi nya he could cry with me if i want.. wala lang... i felt safe and good and comfortable and happy and thankful. i was so touched so i cried again.

i also talked to jow. nagbonding kme one week after mawalan ng club. it felt more than great. ang sarap sobra! thank you, jow.. 

i also texted mommy if i could talk to her about my speech.. she said we're talking on monday.. and a lot of things happened and i cried some more but things ended well..

so i slept quite peacefully.. i woke up with swollen eyes though.. 

i don't know if it's just me or the whole world's just getting very depressed and depressing.

today was an overload of sorts. we had a presentation in english, which is a thorn off my chest. we made a video on julius caesar (act1) and i wrote a song and they performed it. the concept was a bunch of tambays having a drinking session. may symbolism pala yung concept na yun! i couldn't have realized kung hindi sinabi ni mommy yun!

physics was well, physics. c.l was again a realization overload.

economics was plain crap. i mean, sir gave us another stiff neck attack because he situated himself at the back of the room for the nth time.. grarrrr... and yesterday we had a quiz and in the middle of the quiz he got bored and started making all these announcements which could obviously be postponed until we finished the quiz but fuck of fucks, he just blabbered.

math, is, well, love.. actually, math is the pugad of flirtation and being a haliparot. sir was like, "i'm called bong because my playmates couldn't pronounce my name.. i got bong from florantelebong. my real name's florante" and i was like, "sir, can i be your laura?" opsss..

filipino was an overload of presentations. we presented the songs that we translated from english to filipino. i cried when the 1st group did "i will be here"... ang ganda nung translation! it was the first time i cried in the past 3 months, i think.

jow wasn't around for club time. retreat nya eh..

i suddenly feel like a senti senior. i mean, the other day, during filipino class, i felt a lump in my throat when the class was in joketime mode and miss lacson said, "walang kapalit ang tawanan na ganito." and yesterday while we were praying, we had our own prayer in class as we still don't have a p.a (new bldg kasi) and i was struck with the thought that, a year from now, i will not be in that same place anymore, and there's no way for me to go back there in the iv-5 classroom, in my seat next to the windows with the csc babies in sight, hearing mommy sofie's voice telling us to pray, and telling us what we should be thankful for on the day that's about to come.

today, through sir jeff, i realized that the teachers are becoming mechanical lately.
 they work not anymore out of love for work, but out of duty. it's like, they only teach because they have to earn a living, and not because they want to help mold us students. i'm not a hypocrite. it happens to me too. but i do want to work out of love, and not out of duty. i hope the teachers have the same desire, and are working to make that happen. celine and i agreed that we miss quality time with mommy sofie. she said she's busy with the upcoming exams, and checking our outputs, and it's been taxing. sana the exams whizz by lang. para loads would be light and para we can spend quality time na...

yun ang fear ko. TIME. i'm scared of running out of time. i'm scared that i won't get to do the things that i am obliged to do in the right time. i'm afraid that i won't have enough time to say everything that i want to say. 

i know though, that i have to turn that fear upside down. i have to believe in "no day but today" and do everything i can, and just let things fall into place.

sir antiquera's so sweet. wala lang. he texted me and gave me affirmation and we shared woes and stuff. i like that. 

life's good. 

wala lang gising ako dahil nakatulog ako

ang tagal ko na walang update.

pero nakakatamad magupdate ngayon dahil anung oras na at gusto ko bumalik sa dreamland

incoherent na naman ako.. nakakatanga!

tapos kanina sa school feeling ko hb ako pero minsan naman hindi eh

im not lasing today, okay?

today.... for you, tomorrow for me!

because... you'll be my king and i'll be your castle..

kinikilig ako kay angel and collins.. nakaka-iyak sila kasi theyre so sweet to each other tapos you really see where the love comes from.. as in, nakikita mo yung love nila sees beyond the surface.. goes beyond the parameters of their gender.

mabuhay ang kabaklaan! 

i dunno i'm fuming mad right now

and i'm not quite satisfied with the way my life's going. and i feel so fat, i feel so mad, i feel ugly!

is this fucking pms?!

oh and may i just say, i got a fucking fucking fucking B in english in my report card and that made me cry like fuck. wala akong paki sa iba eh. pero B sa english?! excuse me, saan galing yun?!

i miss teacher chari... a lot!!

and i miss a lot of people

okay from mad i'm becoming senti now?

oh shit i don't remember having sex so i'm definitely not pregnant

but why am i fucking incoherent and just weird

now i'm mad again

and fuck that the world is soooooooo fucking unjust that i don't have anything else to say but fuck everyone who plays favorites dahil may nagsusuffer kaya sa mga ganun tapos putang ina nilang lahat okay?!

umaariba na naman si national artist. putang ina nya ah... feel ko lang, sana hindi naninira ng tao na nananahimik lang.. kaya lagi kang may nakakabangga eh... youre the one who always provokes tapos kunyari ikaw yung walang alam kapag mag-fire up na yung issue..

lately parang ang daming walang kwentang tao sa mundo

tapos we changed seats pa sa classroom nung thursday.. mukhang nasa gilid ako eh.. the fuck tabi ng window. it's mainit there.. (therefore it'd be soooooooo hot kapag trigo!) tapos hello tabi ng window and nako ewan ko i won't be surprised if in the middle of the physics long test i'd like light up a cigarette dahil yung buong ledge sa labas ay ashtray ko. at ewan ko na lang dahil 3d row yun at mukhang whoa good luck na lang sa sleeping habits ko. ang layo namin ni ange mamimiss ko sha... magsisigawan na lang kami.

ito siguro ang epekto kapag walang bisyo.

pero putang ina tlga. obviously i don't feel good.

now i want to cry! 

i've been finding it hard to blog lately.. that has to suck, right?

i haven't been the best person lately. report card day last wednesday. my sister got my report card and pinangunahan ko na si mommy sofie.. after she asked how many years ung age gap namin ni ate, i was like "yes, dear mother.. she looks a lot younger" hehe.. clean living kasi kapatid ko..

rehearsals have been funny.. we had voice class last wednesday while all the report cards shizmoo was going on. it's funny that when i was in grade 4 i was an ALTO!! then in grade 6 i think i became a soprano 2... and now SOPRANO 1 na ang drama ko! abuh.. nagbabago pala yun hahaha!! opssssss.... bigla na lang pinapaabot yung dulo ng keyboard eh! sana lang.. libre mangarap!!

we did "seasons of love" at whoa putang ina!! binigay sakin ni jow yung may mataas na "love" dun sa line na "measure your life in love".. as in, sa tanang buhay ko na kinakanta yung "seasons of love", naka-mute ang boses ko pagdating sa linyang yun dahil alam kong hindi ko kaya... ayun, sinubukan ko for the 1st time at milagrong nagawa ko.. hahaha sana lang habang buhay na yun..

ilang linggo na kong walang labooms... MASAKIT!! putang ina ang sakit..

college day kahapon kaya walang pasok. nanood ako ng "friends" dahil complete ko na lahat ng seasons. kay saya ng buhay, marathon mode lang ako.. as in, woot woot total couch potato mode!!

life is incoherent. but im not drunk.