a mind is very private..

again, God is asking me to listen.

i don't know what came over me, how it took over me. all the tears that i thought were absent are here again. i just had a long day. i think i'm covered by an uncertainty blanket.

putang ina, ang hirap.

i know it's nobody's fault. hindi ko kasalanan na malakas ang demands ng mundo na pinasok ko. hindi isang kasalanan yung mundong ginagalawan ko. i understand it all. i mean, it was a valid reason, it was done the way it was supposed to be done. the procedure itself was just painful.

in truth, i am hurt. i am not okay. i don't know what i'm doing wrong, i don't even know what exactly i'm doing. i don't know why these things have to happen, and why some people who should not be affected are affected.

this afternoon upon getting to the tanghalang sinag for rehearsal, i was trying my very best to stop my tears from falling. i tried so hard to conceal everything, which i know is wrong. pero i wanted everyone to be okay. ayokong maging pa-importante na magdadrama lang naman kasi mabobother lang yung iba. but then thanks to cheskie who told me she wanted a hug, my gosh lumabas na rin lahat! all the things that i've been keeping to myself just set themselves free.

seriously though, my clubmates are the best. i know that i may not have been the best person, i may have had my share of laziness, of high blood,  you name it. but seeing them all concerned made me feel a lot better. yung hugs na natanggap ko sa kanila kanina really consoled me and gave me the assurance that things will be okay. i love them. i love them a lot! and i want them to be given only the best. with the more or less four months i have left to stay with them, i want to do everything i can.

sorry if i just broke down. i know it wasn't called for. kapag kasi naiinis na ko, i still smile eh. i don't show that i'm high blood na. like when something bad comes up, sa harap ng tao, i automatically act calm and composed, i just smile and say that i'm okay, that everything's okay. i cover everything with a smile. it's wrong, but to keep everyone worry-free, i do it. siguro lang, everything that transpired today was just too much for me to smile through.

aika, thanks for cheering me up. putang ina yung timing mo ang ganda eh. magic nga... i love you!

cheskie, thank you for the first hug kanina.

anna, nicki, issa, bea, issa g, anay, reg, sa lahat ng nag-hug sakin. thank you!

i can't believe you're gone. i can't believe you're going.

there's only us, there's only this.

i can't do anything anymore eh.

i'll just smile through things. like i always do. 

yesterday i put myself on voice rest because my throat really hurt.

this morning i woke up and noticed that my voice was going back. ayun. i started being a megaphone again. now, my voice is gone again.

nagpalit kami ng seating arrangement sa classroom today. putang ina. seatmates ko si patti and monica. tapos nasa gitna ako ng classroom so napaka-accessible ng lahat ng tao. as in naririnig nila ako na nagsasalita! at nakakausap ko lahat ng tao! fun fun!

ang saya ng math. it came after econ, which was the subject after recess. pucha matagal nang tapos ang recess, nang biglang si lynette, dinasal yung grace after meals. please! halatang kumain sha during econ?! funnybones amp!

club, mejo stressed ako. hay, people who make me stressed are the same people who make me happy. i guess i was just tense kanina because nagsink in sakin lahat ng nangyayari. and i was a bit disappointed with the way they behaved. i know i wasn't at my best disposition, and i may have blown my top off when i asked everyone to gather for company call. i just had to wake everyone up, dahil nagliliwaliw na naman. at hindi talaga ko natuwa na they didn't stay put to wait for their turn to rehearse. kinailangan ko pa maghanap ng cast, magtawag ng tao sa labas, mga ganun, and it delayed things. hay, i'm ranting again. basta. babies, let's do something better tomorrow. we know better, diba?

physics long test tomorrow, and i dunno if i'll flunk it. i really want to do well sa physics. masabi ko man lang na kunyari good student ako. haha puta.

silent movie na naman ako tomorrow. i really want to be a megaphone, pero mahirap na if i totally lose it. 

today, i finished my last critic show for a major play, probably the last critic show that i did for high school.

i really can't stop saying how proud i am of banaag. it was such a joy seeing their energy bursting and their spirits so high! even if i wasn't able to watch the show today (as i was in it), i felt how happy they were to do what they wanted to do. yes, of course, there were a few glitches along the way. it wasn't perfect, but it was great!

personally, i was very thankful with the comments that i got from the teachers. perhaps it was my first time to have received such a large amount of praises that i was just smiling and was just plain thankful that i was going through the whole process. i never felt so elated. especially when mommy sof was about to go and she said "ang galing mo! ang galing ng baby ko!" which meant a lot. sobrang saya ng feeling.

yung happiness ko kanina, perhaps it would beat the fulfillment of me receiving an exemplary behavior award. i wonder why people think i'm kidding whenever i say that i want to have that award. yes, i admit naman that sometimes i do get noisy (kapag may assembly may nararamdaman akong parang may pumapalo sa likod ko. si mommy pala, dahil maingay daw ako), but i'm really serious! i want to become an exemplary behavior awardee. kaya minsan ang sakit kapag naririnig ko yung "hay nako pag si pauline mag-exemplary, ibig sabihin buong batch exemplary!" or "bumababa na ng sobra sobra yung standards ng mc when it comes to behavior ah!"

GOING BACK, (carried away talaga ko sa behavior issues ko. sorry!) it was sooooooooooo soooooooooooo heartwarming to see two of the best moderators during the critic show today. i was moved upon seeing sir jeff give his comments, which ended with him in tears. sir antiquera was in tears soon after. i love them both. i love them so well. and they both looked so so so cute when they cried! well, sir jeff was just proud of us as he witnessed and was part of all the hardships that the club went through in putting up the show. sir prangkie was just nostalgic as we were the ones who conceived the idea of staging Rent. we were the ones who said that we wanted to stage Rent, in our dreams. who knew that everything would become a reality? seeing the whole thing unfold right before my eyes was just a great experience. i thought it would be awkward to see both my moderators in the same place at the same time. little did i know that it was the most comforting feeling.

i can't wait to have more shows. 

oh crap. it's like 3am and i havent had a wink of sleep. i was busy all night preparing the letter for Rent. all the stuff i ingested today (well, as far as i can remember) were like 4 bottles of water, one iced peppermint mocha (of course, the planner should be in the works!), and a cup of tea. as of now, for fear that i won't wake up at 4am, i'm drinking beer.

i'm not lasing though. i mean, it was just a few gulps. perhaps just half a bottle. then i ate a banana. is this what depression does?

well i'm quite sad with the way life's going for me. ang dami na naman kailangan gawin. i hate how i'm given something, then i try my best to handle it, then i'm told all of a sudden that i should make some changes. katangahan un eh.

what's even more tanga is that some people tend to be very very very unprofessional. there are those who are given documents that theyre supposed to read. but they don't do it and their excuse is that they have piles of other stuff to do. other stuff my ass! nagpapakasasa ka lang sa kinalalagyan mo eh! nakakainis lang talaga. it does aggravate me.

what's nakakainis with what theyre doing is that they don't think. they just follow what other people tell them. putang ina! hindi por que mas may "power" yung isang tao, dapat sha na masusunod. will never work that way! have your own principles, loser!

and there's this teeny tiny bit which is just fuck. what the hell is wrong with pole dancing in a stage performance? grabe ang sama sama nila. they call prostitutes "mga kalapating mababa ang lipad" which is very very derogatory. ang sama nila to the prostitutes. paano kaya kung sila din naging ganun? it's actually not a sin to give in to that. for them, i mean. it's a call for need. depends on you na lang if you will respond to that call.

i don't like what's happening to me, i don't like the way my babies are treated. nakakainis. wala lang. putang ina lang nila. after paghirapan yung project, aapak-apakan lang at maghahanap ng panibago. sige lang. keep doing that. kaya walang umaasenso sa pilipinas eh - may mga taong tulad nyo.

sorry hb. buong araw na ko umiyak. ngayon galit naman. mamaya, tawa na ulet 

yesterday i was too tired to blog cuz of the super tiring farm visit. i've been getting sick because of the work that i have to do, but i still work nonetheless because i want to get things done and i don't ever want anything delayed. right now, i CANT SING as in talagang hindi na kaya. good luck na lang sa critic show on monday.

the farm visit was very fun! haha. start pa lang ng araw eh, fun na. so yeah i didn't sleep cuz i ended doing banaag work at 2am and didn't want to fall asleep cuz i might not wake up nga. so by 4 i texted ange, celine and mommy sofie for them to wake up. ayun. then mommy asked if i wanted to ride with her to school so i did and my mom brought me to the gate of the village so i could move to mommy's car.

then we made lots of kwento on the way to school. i learned a lot about her and about myself. naliwanagan na ko sa ibang things which seemed blurred pa before.

in school our bus left last cuz it was our bus which waited for all the latecomers. then like yeah kakaalis pa lang ng mc, sigaw kami sabay sabay ng "are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?" haha putang ina ang kulit. siguro kung walang ibang tao dun mommy would have told us to fuck off and bug someone else. oh well. she had no choice. then omg sir belardo's in our bus pa cuz he became our homeroom for the day cuz mommy had a different task to work on. he was so mabait, and he was with us the whole day and it was heaven for me bwahahaha.. yuck kidding. but yeah hindi nya kami iniwan even for just a minute. he made seryoso the whole "keeping an eye on us" thing. even when we were already in the fields cutting the sugarcane. heehee. that's so cool.

then we played with the kids. celine and ms lacson made a kid cry because they wanted to carry one baby and the baby's sister thought na they were going to get the baby and not give it back na forever. aw sweet sister.. bwahaha..

mommy's very ma-p.r.. upon getting to the place she talked to the kids agad and then she approached the farmers also and talked to them. then when our cluster was introduced to the farmer we were going to talk to, i asked mommy where we were supposed to stay, and she said, "doon kayo oh. magsalita ka ng tagalog" and i was freaked because i was addressing the question to her naman. then in the afternoon naman she told us "pulutin nyo yung trash nyo at ilagay sa designated places for trash" then i said na she told me to talk in tagalog but she talked in english and she said na it's different. but i don't think it's an excuse. we should practice what we preach! nung lunch naman i asked her "what time are we leaving" and she said "at two thirty" and i was like wtf she answered pa my question in english. so she told me to translate my question to tagalog, and i said "anong oras tayo mag-aalis" which got everyone laughing. i don't know what the fuck's the difference between that and "anong oras tayo aalis" because it contained the same words except for the "mag" which is perfectly fine to live with. screw things.

sir belardo put on celine's stitch cap, which made him so so so so so cute cuz he does look like stitch. or basta some hawaiian guy. heehee. faint. but it was fun talking to him. as in, dun ko lang sha nakausap ng hindi tungkol sa math. tapos ang dami kong hirit na tinawanan nya. sabi nya iba daw tlga ko humirit. tough act to follow. melt.

ang ganda ng dance ni sarah. pang-afv. shit pag yun ilagay sa youtube ah! omg! bwahaha ang funnybones.

sa bus naman, on the way back to katipunan, we watched "got 2 believe" cuz i brought my vcd. natulog si sir belardo because he doesn't like movies daw na ganun. he like movies which make your head hurt because of thinking too much. aba puta please naman. sana hindi nya alam na akin yun.

at the stopover si mimi ginising ako. may scandal pic daw ako. shit man puta pinicturan akong tulog.

we reached school at 6:30pm already. and my mom said na she will go home at around 10pm pa daw. so i rode with mommy again on the way home. she ran a few errands before going home. tapos napaisip na naman ako on what kind of life i want to have when i grow up. tapos nagbond na naman kami. then i was home na by 8pm. did preparations for sleeping then went to sleep na.

today i woke up at 7am cuz of a 9am-3pm rehearsal. fucken those people who told us to edit. we should be having our shows na kaya! it was tiring as well but sir jeff was there the whole time so i was worry-free. funny ni ser. pero hindi na sha nakanood ng dmnmk. kamukha pa naman nya si miguel quirino.

then after rehearsal i stayed in jow's place and got picked up at 7pm. ang dami namin napag-usapan. que fun.

i realized that we realize things when other things happen. basta i'm super thankful that the people who are around me are the same people helping and shit and i vent to these people omg. ang amazing nila.

i shall hold that thought. i'm sleepeh. 

i'm very very very thankful for the people who decided to "moo" with us.

the past week has been far from peaceful. the administrators halted our club from staging Rent, which was supposed to open last saturday, nov18. they said it's too profane. putang ina, too profane? ewan ko lang ah, pero from what i've been seeing, sobrang tame na nung buong thing. wala na nga akong makitang hint ng kabastusan!

perhaps i just don't understand where they're coming from. maybe, due to a very big age difference, our ideas, our beliefs, may be conflicting. i'd like to think otherwise, but i can't help thinking that yes, it's due to age.

i don't believe that wisdom comes with age. people may grow OLD but it doesn't mean that these people have grown UP. i guess that would only apply to those who would move along with the world, and not stop when they think they're given too much to digest. maybe for them, the world's becoming so fast-paced that they couldn't keep up? i dunno. ang alam ko lang, hindi ko sila maintindihan.

sige, slightly fearless mode na.

during the summer, the club already planned on staging Rent, and we already planned for the english area to require the show to the whole high school. things happened, and we got a go signal for rehearsals to start. ayun, we got a choreographer, we got a voice teacher, we got one moderator, then got another. we went through SO MUCH.

then, a little bulldog entered. her name, we have learned, was ____. at first i didn't like her. then a few months later, i learned to appreciate her. now, upon thinking she once had principles, she abandoned them to live as a LAP DOG.

THOSE WHO DIDN'T READ THE SCRIPT AND JUST SIGNED ALL THE DOCUMENTS, YOU ARE THE LAP DOGS.

in the name of professionalism? eh puta paano ko makukuhang maging professional kung yung mga tao na dapat nagtuturo sa akin ng professionalism aren't even practicing it?

hay, i'm just so thankful that there are people who stick to principles. i love how they would tell us to keep fighting, how they would encourage us to stand up, to make ourselves heard, and to not let our efforts be put to waste. yes, all those efforts cannot be thrown away by some old people who do not seem to grasp the essence of staging such a controversial musical.

Jonathan Larson may have written the musical for this intention. perhaps he wanted this scenario - for lap dogs to negate, for the principled people to fight, and for the enlightenment that everyone would gain in the process. he's a genius.

basta ang alam ko, i have firm beliefs. i have a strong foundation. i know when to shut up, i know when to speak up. i know that now is the time for me to make myself heard. i know that i don't want any one of my friends to be put down.

i was really disappointed upon seeing someone i looked up to, sticking to the other side. i thought i knew him, i thought he was open-minded. i thought he would be the one to bridge the gap between the two conflicting parties, i didn't think that he would pick a side. i don't know if i should look down on him now. i can't help but do that.

only thing to do is jump over the moon.