a mind is very private..

yesterday was almost pure hell, which i guess was the purpose of having a hell week. it was almost the fuck of fucks yet again, but i guess i was getting too pessimistic..

we had a mass, which i could say was quite distracting. i mean, i was really trying to pray but then the people around me were talking. i can't stop it though. i mean, hey, there are times when i'd also talk during the mass, but i really wanted to talk to God and i'm disappointed that i didn't make use of that time quite well..

after the mass we finished the impromptu-turned-extemporaneous speech delivery. then we were given the grade for our julius caesar video and the grade for the speeches. i gave myself a 48 due to incoherence. then grace gave me a 50. but then mommy gave me a 42! the average of that is 46.7 lang!! and i've been getting only 47 or higher since God knows when! had i changed my self evaluation to 49, i would've gotten 47 flat, but i didn't change it na because i didn't want a "forced" grade. but i digress. what really made me depressed is the 42 that i got. i mean, wtf!? from 1st-3d year i've only been getting like 47 and above. then 1st quarter this year, sa extemporaneous, mommy gave me a 45, and it got me disappointed but okay anyways because my average was 47. pero ngayon, 42?!

42? 42? 42? ewan ko. nainis lang ako na hello, isang may balak mag-comm major hindi man lang magawang magspeech ng maayos? i mean, perhaps the only thing that i think i'm good at is having to face an audience and talking or doing all sorts of stuff in front of an audience, and that 42 told me that i suck even in doing that! what hurts pa is that dun sa stance, naka-encircle that i was "too stiff"..... whoa! too stiff!! was it because i didn't walk around? was it because i just stood there? delivering a speech need not require walking around. had i walked around i would have made the audience dizzy and ready to throw up by the time the next speaker would have her turn. i was told countless times that i should know how to stand still while talking, and now that i finally get to do that, nasabihan pa ko na too stiff?

as we ended english i felt a lump in my throat and was unable to hold back. i started crying and shit. nakakahiya nga eh nakita pa ni sir salayo! then recess came i was still crying... then math i was still crying whenever i thought of it. c.l, there'd be times na bigla na lang the tears would roll down. i know it seems mababaw for some, but paki nyo ba? my life, my emotions!

after elective class (freaky nung movie btw! but fun!), sir antiquera talked to me about my woes dun sa speech ko. tapos yun. it felt a lot lighter... and we talked about it again through text when i got home. he's just the greatest. sabi nya he could cry with me if i want.. wala lang... i felt safe and good and comfortable and happy and thankful. i was so touched so i cried again.

i also talked to jow. nagbonding kme one week after mawalan ng club. it felt more than great. ang sarap sobra! thank you, jow.. 

i also texted mommy if i could talk to her about my speech.. she said we're talking on monday.. and a lot of things happened and i cried some more but things ended well..

so i slept quite peacefully.. i woke up with swollen eyes though.. 

i feel like there's something wrong today, but i can't seem to point out what it is exactly. i dunno. it's getting me all freaked out. i swear i want things to be okay. i want everything back to normal. i NEED PEACE OF MIND!!

so the other night mommy and i talked about my score in the speech.. yeah i guess i got what i wanted already. thanks, mom. still hurts though.. but it kind of lit me up so all's well..

exams na tomorrow. we open with math and filipino. GREAT. and i got home at like 5pm today because my sister was off at 3:30 and my dismissal was at 1pm.

yes, the entry's becoming incoherent, but i dont want to care.

the film "dreams" by akira kurosawa is really freaky..oooh kurosawa... the one in la vie boheme! oh and during the english quiz a while ago, the poem we read was by maya angelou. wala lang nakakatuwa... la vie boheme lss galore.

putang ina yung episode dun sa tunnel eh!! todo nakakaleche!! "is it really true that i'm dead?" heh tigilan.. mga hapon tlga.

i really have this strong feeling na something's not right and it's really freaking me out. please.

btw, we had this mass today at the marian auditorium. i really didn't like how most people behaved. a lot of them were talking and man! the COUGHING was incessant it made me feel fucked. to quote gindy, "ano ba yan may TB ata mga tao dito." as in. i think it was intentional. nakakainis na, hello i highly value going to mass and praying and thanking God for everything and telling Him everything i feel. tapos may mga insensitive people who would be "not in the mood" to go to mass. again, hindi ako nagpapaka-self righteous. i was just inis at how people kept on talking and para bang walang nangyayari. nakakahiya.

i really hope that things would look up soon. not just for me, but for everyone. i hate feeling like this. parang basura.

heaven help me shoulder my load. 

this is quite fun!

since memorizing "la vie boheme" was quite a tedious task, i'm happy that i was able to do it.

anyway, that's not what i really wanted to say. i'm just amused at how the english area seems to be helping us seniors in understanding the lyrics of "la vie boheme" by exposing us to a few works by the artists mentioned in the song...

one time during english class, i remember discussing the poem "mother to son" by langston hughes. since then, lss ko na yung "lenny bruce, langston hughes, to the stage! to uta. to buddha." 

it's amusing how last friday during the english long test, there was this poem we had to analyze, and it was by maya angelou! as in, upon reading the author's name and a short background, i was like, wow! whattabout! since then i've been singing "to leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo, to huevos, rancheros and maya angelou!"

see how it's all coming together?

in film class with sir antiquera, we watched "dreams" by akira kurosawa. we didn't get to finish it though.. so here comes "german wine, turpentine gertrude stein, antonioni, bertolucci, kurosawa, carmina burana!" heeheehee.. the film's quite interesting. i got myself a copy, which i plan to watch in the weekend when i'm idle. 

and just today, in the english exam!! the poem we had to read was "united fruits co" by pablo neruda.. heehee this is so fun! "to uta. to buddha. pablo neruda too!"

wala lang natuwa ako... ooh! and we might choreo la vie boheme on saturday! oh what fun! those are days of inspiration...

oh and before i go, i just want everyone to know that on the 18th til the 20th of october, i'll be in batangas for my last high school retreat. probably the last retreat i'll ever go to, i dunno. so if you want to make my last retreat memorable, i guess you know what to do. if you don't know what to do, saang bato ka nagtago? heehee.. if it ain't too much to ask, please do write me a palanca! send it through email if you can't give it personally. i promise to love you without end if you gimme a palanca.. yay! thanks!

the physics exam awaits. God bless my poor, unfortunate soul. 

i went on a break from the internet last wednesday til friday due to my last retreat as a high school student, which was probably the last retreat i'd participate in.

it was a realization of sorts. it began as something painful because i had to give up a bunch of things such as the use of my phone (there was hardly any signal, plus it wasn't allowed in the conference room), the internet, bisyo, etc. it was a time i had to devote to God and to 4-5.. it was nice that i did that.

upon getting there, we went hiking, then had a session which had everyone bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. then we had supper. after supper, i went out with celine and looked at the stars. i was looking at the sky and saw only a few stars, and i got disappointed. why the hell were there only a few stars when i wanted it to be many cuz that's one of the few times that i'd get to go stargazing tapos wala pang stars.. yun pala, may isang malaking poste ng ilaw sa harap ko... tapos i covered the light that it shed upon me, and saw a bazillion stars in the sky!!! nakita ko pa how they twinkled! ang ganda! sobrang ganda!

through that experience, i thought, what if those stars symbolize the people who love us - at first glance ang konti nila. mabibilang mo with your fingers and toes. tapos when you notice that there's something wrong with the way you percieve things, you begin to see the multitude of people who love you pero hindi mo alam.

there was idle time after supper, which celine and i spent outside the dorm, just talking. tapos bigla kaming na-senti. wala eh we just started crying and stuff. napa-reminisce, na-realize na shit! how much time do we have left again?

then ayun, natulog, gumising at hinarap ang panibagong araw. at some point naging dragging din yung retreat, pero nung gabi na, shit, ang ganda na naman. ang ganda na na-settle yung issues, na-set aside na yung differences, at lahat lahat na. we didn't just fix things as a class - we started fixing things with ourselves first. then after the activities in the evening, may nag-erupt na something na naayos din, which led to a great washing of the feet kasi assured kami na from the heart yun. wala pucha puffy eyes kaya nakakahiya magpic!

after the washing, nagbonding kami ni mommy. ang dami namin napag-usapan. then we went to the dorm tapos umakyat si ms borja kasi ang ingay daw namin. sabi ni mommy hindi na daw kami pwede mag-ghost stories, pero hinintay nya lang pala bumaba si ms borja. haha! then ayun ang scary nung kwento. as usual, sa pinaka-mamahal namin na speech room (which i love a whole lot more dahil sa speech room ako pinatira ng banaag ng isang taon.) shit pala tlga mga kwento dun noh?

it was nice seeing the "domino" effect sa classmates ko. there were some who slept so they won't hear the story, some slept because they became sleepy na as the story progressed.  wala lang ang cute nila. isa-isang bumagsak sa kama at natulog. ang sarap siguro maging kapatid ng classmates ko.

nung last day nainis ako kasi last day na. leche nagsink in sakin na last day na yun, tapos last retreat pa. once more, yung iniisip ko lang dati na mangyayari, memories na lang sha lahat. grabe yung giving of peace sa mass. grabe talagang hagulgol. well, yung pag-iyak ko naman in itself malakas na, and mas na-power up pa sha nung giving of peace na.. ang sarap ng pakiramdam. sobrang comforting. ayun, wala na mukhang hindi ko na naman na-control yung tear glands ko. sabi ko pa hindi ko naman kailangan ng tissue hindi naman ako senti mode eh. nang biglang sino ang unang umiyak, at sino ang huling tumigil sa pag-iyak?

ayun, so we left batulao at around 2pm, and reached mc at 5. it was a nice trip. it really helped a lot in giving me the motivation to go through all the challenges and the troubles so that i could emerge with scars, but successful nonetheless. upon getting to katipunan, i didn't want to get off the bus. part of me was saying that i should still spend the day with 4-5, but part of me was telling me to get back to the real world and go to the tanghalang sinag room because my babies are waiting for me. i opted to go to my babies. it only proved that i can't always have the best of both worlds - there had to be only one option.

gusto ko mag-retreat ulit. like i told my classmates, God hosts the best house parties!! 

it's not easy being green.

we had costume day yesterday at the fair cuz the theme of the whole thing is halloween. ang cute cute ng burger nila dans!! heehee.. i dressed up as elphaba, minus her braided hair because i was tamad na to make that, plus my hair's still short. i painted myself green, then kim and celine put green make-up on my face. now i know how elphaba felt - she was BORN GREEN! that's even worse than having people see your transformation from a C40 (that's my skin's shade according to MAC) to green!

ange's sister was hiding from me. then everyone gave stares, everyone was like "whoa what happened to you?" or "are you sick and would wanna barf anytime?", comments with the same context. hay, ang hirap pala talaga. now i know how hard it is to be different on the outside. kasi diba, very judgmental ang tao eh. it's always, being different would translate to being bad, which should not always be the case. pare-pareho pa rin tayong tao eh. pfsh. humans.

during the free show, banaag did a wonderful job! i was shy nga cuz my classmates were cheering for me eh i was not the only one on stage - my babies were there!! it felt good promoting the play with them. it felt good to be hyper (i was hyper before performing) and knowing that my hyperactivity had direction. after the free show, i was still hyper but the tired kind of hyper. it was fun. i love banaag. i'll never stop saying that.

no one's buying from our booth. i don't care that much, though. i just want to be with my classmates and take pictures bwahaha. i love them and i'll never stop saying that as well. last year's fair was spent with them too, and i was really really happy that i was there with them. ang galing yung picture with sir prangkie!! naulit sha one year later. we were in front of our booth kasi and had a picture there, tapos this year it happened again - same location of booth, same SONG playing at the dedication booth, same time of the day (late afternoon), then it was also the 1st day of the fair... amazing! nakakasenti...

today's our last second day of the fair. palapit talaga ng palapit sa finish line. ayokong makipag-unahan, kasi ayoko pa matapos.

nakainom ako, but i'm matino, i promise  

hay... isa na namang araw ng fair ang lumipas. i must say, the day didn't start off well, but it ended with a bang. nakaka-comfort talaga kausap si sir prangkie. forever and ever. thanks a lot. 1 more! haha 2 more! 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, more more more more more more more!!

dumating ako sa school at like 10-something *ops. something* hahaha. tapos umalis kme ni cel and kat at around 12 to have lunch out. masarap ang feeling. gusto ko araw-arawin. hahaha. sayang wala si mimi and ange. mas mahal tuloy binayaran namin for food. ops. naghanap daw ba ng kahati sa bayad ng pagkain?! oh! sa school pala i met mommy sofie's pamangkin. so cute cute little boy baby boy cute cute!!!

then ayun. pagbalik sa school, people were packing up already, kasi magcclose na yung fair to make way for the variety show. tapos kami ni kim, justine, corri and ara went to kfc para kumain. puta buhay baboy na naman ako eh!

hb ako nung variety show. kasi whoa yung security shits. they were like, sige fine get in, then they told me to make pa-check in my bag because it's big daw. and i was like wtf it's big?! hello san lupalop ka napulot?! then ito pa eh! they told me to make pa-check in my bag then pay 15 pesos for it. like, wtf you're the ones who told me to have my bag checked in, then you make me pay? VERY GOOD! pucha pagkakitaan daw ba yun?! sobrang laking social injustice! anak ng.. puta hindi talaga uunlad ang pilipinas dahil sa mga corrupt. ayokong maniwala na wala na tayong magagawa about that kasi alam kong may magagawa pa tayo, ayaw lang natin gawin. it's major league bullshit na nangyayari yung ganun sa mundo. alam ko barya lang ang 15 pesos, pero ung feeling na parang uutusan ka tapos kakailanganin mo pang pagbayaran through monetary means ang command sayo.. diba?! ang labo.

pero i could really say the day ended well.. ang sarap ng feeling.

tulog na. shift ko pa bukas, err, mamaya! 

i don't feel halloween that much. i see all these ghost pictures, read/listen to ghost stories, but the creeps don't seem to be getting to me like it used to. weird.

yesterday was the last day of the fair. shift ko ng 9am, then dumating ako sa school ng 10. pfsh unprofessional pauline. well, double shift naman ako eh (umitim pa nga eh!).. shift ko ng 9am-3pm. i'm not sure if i made this kwento na here in my blog, but when mommy sofie asked who's willing to do double shifts, i raised my hand - wala naman akong balak gawin eh. ayun, mommy said she's going to write my name on another shift, tapos putangina pagtingin ko, magkasunod na shift sha eh! 9am-12pm tapos 12pm-3pm! san ka pa!? haha akala ko magkaibang day. then again, what's up ketchup, is that you barbie shu?

that's it. tapos na yung last fair ko. pucha senior na tlga ko.

more later on. sembreak naman eh. thinking mode. 

ito yung requirement na grad song sa music. tanga ko, gagawa gawa, hindi naman marunong gumawa ng tono. so basically, poem pa lang sha.

 

Scrapbook

 

Ito na ang araw na ating hinihintay

Tapos na ang hayskul, tayo’y magnilay-nilay

Kay tagal rin nating dumanas ng hirap

Upang maabot ang ating mga pangarap

 

Noong bago pa tayo sa paaralang ito

Kay taas pa ng mga medyas, kay linis ng damit

Takot pa tayo’ng makagawa ng mali

At akala natin ang mga guro’y masungit

 

Maaaring malimutan ang mga alaala

Ng songfest, speechfest, intrams at iba pa

Sari-saring pagsusulit, mahaba at maikli

Na minsang tinanggal ang aming mga ngiti

 

Maaaring malimutan ang mga alaala

Ng mga pormulang pilit nating minemorya

Mga talumpati, sa Filipino at Ingles

Mga gabing walang tulog, mula Lunes hanggang Biyernes

 

Maaaring malimutan ang mga alaala

Na minsa’y pinaiyak tayo ng tadhana

Kay hirap nga naman ng Matematika at Pisika

Ngunit nakuha rin natin na magtiyaga

 

Maaaring malimutan ang mga alaala

Ng mga panahong tayo’y nag-away

Sana ako’y iyong patawarin

Nang tinalikuran kita noong kailangan mo ng kaakbay

Narito na tayo, tapos na ang lahat

Sana’y maramdaman mo ang aking pasasalamat

Maaaring malimutan ang mga alaala

Ngunit lagi kong tatandaan, na sa lahat ng iyon ay kasama ka

 

ang saya, nung grade 7, 5 din yung section ko. there's something with the number 5 talaga para sakin. they always start out na mejo odd, tapos they end with a bang. bakit ganun? ang ganda, diba no class?