a mind is very private..

hindi ko alam kung totoo yung nararamdaman ko..

totoo nga ba, na okay na ko?

totoo nga ba, na nakita ko na yung inner peace?

totoo nga ba, na nahanap ko na yung happiness?

totoo nga ba, na napapanatag na yung loob ko?

nakakainis na, ako mismo, hindi mahanap yung sagot sa lahat ng tanong na yun.

but i keep trying to tell myself that everything's fine now. that everything's already in the right place. i have found peace, i have found true happiness, i have found my own place.

i think pati sa sarili ko, nagsisinungaling ako. 

nakakapraning na lang ang UPCAT eh!!

i'm going to be part of the last set, sunday, 12:30pm at the architecture building.

ange and i went to UP to look for our testing centre. we got confused because of the street signs!! so we asked whoever we saw na lang.. it was interesting..

***************************************** 

ange's driver: saan po yung college of architecture?

UP people: balik kayo dun. tapos straight

everyone in the car: okay. thank you!

UP people: miriam kayo galing?

us: yes..

UP people: good luck ah!

*****************************************

wala lang. i bet theyre from MC as well.. tapos pumasa sila sa upcat.. wala lang.. ang comforting.

ms lacson told us today that before the upcat, she asked for her pencils to be blessed. and it worked for her! i hope the same thing happens to me..

hehehe... ang galing... i prayed kanina sa class na sana hindi matuloy yung physics quiz tomorrow... tapos biglang, no academics for the seniors tomorrow! we're going to be dismissed at 11:30am because it's the upcat na and we can't afford to stay til 3pm in school! que magical! thanks, Lord! 

i sing cause my future's uncertain..

it's a day and a half until my turn to take the UPCAT. everyone's been panicking. i'm nervous that there's no hint of nervousness in my system.

i actually find it amusing and irritating that the mchs admin did not give any review sessions for the seniors prior to the upcat. all they gave were reminders, which lasted for around 15 minutes this morning. my mom asked me if i could sit in sa st paul pasig to take the mock upcat for the sake of reviewing, but i didn't bother to ask. imagine! st paul conducted review classes in all the saturdays of july, plus a mock exam that they made the students take today from 1pm-5pm. alex told me that the seniors from claret weren't given homework and quizzes this week so that they can spend their nights studying and resting in preparation for the upcat. ang st paul pinag-review, ang claret, pinag-pahinga, at ang MC? pinagdasal.. hehehe.

the banaag babies are so sweet! i got texts from them (which i presume have been sent to the other banaag seniors as well), extending the support and prayers for the test. i don't remember doing that for the seniors last year, and i find it sweet that the babies are giving us affirmation.

now i'm reminded of the pressures i have to carry, as i remember that i am not an island. there are people who are younger than me, which gives me that extra push to be more responsible for everything i do. there are people who look up to me, and that in itself is enough motivation for me to do well.

i love you, babies!!

batchmates, trust in HIM. He knows where we're supposed to be.

i took the upcat yesterday.

today i was re-acquainted with the english speech preparations, the book report, the math long test, and the physics homework.

i feel sleepy, but apparently, sleeping is a sin for a fucked up girl like me, because i still have a lot to do..

no, i didn't just let things pile up that's why i have a lot to take care of. sinabaysabay lang tlga lahat.

yes, hell week ngayon.

i need a raket.

and i need a life. i have to get my act together. grarrrrrrr...

i have to know where to start. 

Something to do whilst the world goes on and I stay in bed, coughing, coughing, coughing. 

What to do:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!

1. How are you feeling today?
*You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morisette (you oughtta know that i'm sick and nauseous!)

2. Will you get far in life?
*We're All in this Together - High School Musical (oh YES!! it means i shouldn't do it alone, and i definitely wouldn't do it alone!)

3. How do your friends see you?
*The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Lion King (whoa!! i don't sleep all the time! and yeah, i want to be a lioness one day. such beauty and grace, ang galing!)

"in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight" yes, you see me calm amidst chaos, but deep down i'm so praning!!

4. Will you get married?
*Welcome to the Tonys! - Forbidden Broadway (excusez moi! does it mean i'm going to get married only on stage and never in real life? my my this is making me paranoid!)

5. What is your best friend’s theme song?
*I'm Daisy, I'm Violet - Sideshow (bwahahahahaha!)

6. What is the story of your life?
*Tune Up #3 - Rent (no, i won't get AIDS. maybe it's just the part where mark still doesn't stop doing things for maureen. because i'm a maureen and i'd appreciate a mark at some point.)

7. What was high school like?
*What I've Been Looking For - High School Musical (yes! it's all i've been looking for, but i'm leaving it soon!)

8. How can you get ahead in life?
*Voice Mail #3 - Rent (oooh.. everyone's gonna be after me! i have to make a scandal!)

9. What is the best thing about your friends?
*Who's Gay in Hollywood - Forbidden Broadway (it's great that they accept gay people. unlike them traditional conservative asses who know nothing about how wonderful it is to be part of the third sex, or how great is feels to have friends who are part of the third sex)

10. What is today going to be like?
*Wonderful - Wicked (need i say more?)

11. What is in store for the weekend?
*Pilgrim's Theme - Bukas Palad

WHOOO i have a religious song in my playlist!! only proves that i'm not a heretic!

(yes, i have to find my place in the greater scheme of things. i hope i know what that place is.. sana tama yung hula ko!!)

12. What song describes you?
*I'm Not that Girl (reprise) - Wicked (OUCH! things will soon be in reverse and still i won't be that girl!)

13. To describe your grandparents?
*I Love You - Barney (omg this is scary!)

14. How is your life going?
*A Dream Worth Keeping - Sheena Easton (things do seem surreal, and i know that in the end, it will all be worth keeping, worth remembering)

15. What song will they play at your funeral?
*O Happy Day - Sister Act 2 (bwahahaha!! everyone would be happy when i'm dead? but well, when i die, i want people to be happy.. of course, for the right reasons.)

16. How does the world see you?
*Think Too Much - Idina Menzel (yes i seem to be thinking too much. pa-effect ko lang yun! naniniwala naman kayo!)

17. Will you have a happy life?
*Let's Hear it for the Boy - Footloose (yay!!)

18. What do your friends really think of you?
*A Moment Like This -  Kelly Clarkson (my friend have been waiting all their lives to meet someone like me!! aww that's so sweet! haha kidding)

19. Do people secretly lust after you?
*Old Friends 2 - Merrily We Roll Along (old friends lust after me?!)

20. How can I make myself happy?
*I Love You Because -  Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (i should be beautiful because i love myself. que vain!)

21. What should you do with your life?
*On My Own - Les Miserables (i should learn to be independent! yeah! but not entirely on my own, cuz that would be contradicting the other question above)

22. Will you ever have children?
*I Know the Truth - Aida (i'm going to have to ask aida if i'll ever have children because she knows the truth!)

i want to watch

"the march of the penguins"

in french audio and english subs before watching

"penguin, penguin, paano ka ginawa"

with no subs and sharon cuneta's voice

not that i have anything against sharon or unitel or anything.

gusto ko lang muna makita yung original.

i'm excited to watch both though. 

i'm a few hours away from waking up once more to the sound of the alarm of my phone. gosh, i feel like a total mess - why, after 4 whole days of doing absolutely nothing, i would have to go to school and face the real world again!

i'm afraid of what the exam results would make of me. i hope i still get to be a decent individual given my score in math and science. the day before the physics exam, i had a dream that my score in the physics exam was a whopping 3/100! excuse me! putang ina marunong akong mangarap at manghula okay? but then upon looking at the test come tuesday, i was assured that it won't come true - the test was worth 100 points, 50 items of multiple choice questions worth 2 points each. the score in my dream being an odd number, i was automatically given comfort, because my score may be 2.... or 4? haha!!

math and science really aren't for me. i've come to accept that since God knows when! give me english. please!!! english lang!! kahit bigyan mo akong isang milyong sentence diagraming (hi, ms engua!) hindi ako magrereklamo!

see, i didn't study that hard for the exams.. sabi sa upcat diba, stock knowledge. pero wala rin naman akong na-invest na stocks sa utak ko. oh no.

since the exams came to a close, life has been pretty okay. well, save for some glitches, over all, it was fine.

right after the last exam, some of my classmates and i went to shakeys to celebrate kim's birthday. after which, kat, ange, celine and i went to eastwood to explore and celebrate the end of the first quarter exams. we went to dencio's and was quite amused at how we were able to forget our problems for a while and focus on breaking free! then we went to the arcade to play mario kart and a few other games. we got around 20 tickets lang bwahahaha so yeah.

my sister dragged me to gateway afterwards to watch Kubrador as she was required by her teacher in asian cinema. so yeah we watched it. galing. worth it.

hmmm fast forward to friday, my sister bought me a ticket to todo todo teros, a film by john torres (naks puro award-winning indies ang pinapanood lately. ito, kubrador, y tu mama tambien *evil grin*) hehe.. but before that we had lunch and then i went to shang just because. then back to gateway then katipunan. oh i just love walking from ateneo to lrt then riding the train to gateway then riding another train to shang. life is good.

by the afternoon i was already feeling kinda sick. thank God i bought tissue. by the time we watched todo todo teros, my nose was runny and fuck. ooh and there was the parada ng mga sikat before we watched the film. great great!! i liked the alamat ng gubat and the ibong adarna. i didn't get to see the others cuz i went na to the ss av.

ayun, my sister and i went home riding a cab, because dear mother got overly hb and left us without any transpo. eh uwing-uwi na talaga ko nun because my feet were killing me na, and i was really just tired, not to mention physically sick already. hindi na ko naka-labooms. sayang!

saturday and sunday, i was at home lang. as in, walang labas na kahit ano. pbb celebrity edition ang drama. hindi tlga ko lumabas ng bahay. puro online, tulog, kain. good thing that i did those lang, because i felt really horrible, with the cough and the COLDS and just feeling plain nauseous the whole 2 days. may mga panahon pa na i was crying na because i felt so bad. saturday night i drank hydroxyzine to sedate myself dahil hindi ko na makayanan sobrang sama na ng pakiramdam ko. sunday i woke up still feeling bad, but a bit better (the alliteration was unintentional).

people said that there's a virus daw kasi ngayon that's why i got sick. NO. mine was simply a case of PMS.

since april my PMS has gone berserk. i'm talking getting a fever, crying for 6 hours straight, getting a severe panic attack, chills, and depression, 2-3 days before womanhood attacks. holy kamote!! hopefully nothing's wrong.

ayun. today, er, yesterday, i stayed at home again, still recuperating. i'm not ready to go to school. i look forward to meeting my babies again at dismissal time.

i'm happy that there were certain people in ym who made my 4-day break a great one. natutuwa ako sa bonding moments, i swear! heehee.. love you, lovieeeees!!

Lord, exam results na in a few hours. let it not hurt me. 

i haven't blogged as much because i'm starting to get busy again. with our major prod in the works, i've been spending lots of time skipping labooms and writing letters to school administrators yet again, spending time meeting with those people, adjusting to our new moderator (who seems to be doing fine, btw), helping out in editing the script, boasting about how proud i am of the banaag band, being assigned as a social action representative because of being banaag president, and of course, academics.

last week was filipino week, which was quite late already as we had exams the other week. we spent a few days decorating our classrooms, deciding what food to bring, and decorating our classrooms further. it was fun to see iv-5 motivated to excel. it was great to see iv-5 united, with a common goal. it was fun to see how each one worked. magaling. last year todo ang crappy mode namin. ngayon taking shape na.

come friday, we were in the usual malong shiz. i came in a white shirt and a short sarong for my skirt. for the 4th time (dahil apparently every year yun ang nagiging resulta), mukha akong naka-pambahay. save for my make-up, mukha tlga kong manonood lang ng tv sa kwarto. mga ganung level.

hay nako sir antiquera talaga! last year everyone was shocked as he was wearing a bahag. tipong, naglolong test nang biglang dumaan sha sa corridoor ng naka-bahag at tumigil na lang ang mundo nating lahat. this year, a few days before friday, i remember him telling me that he's pressured because he doesn't know what to wear to keep up with his whole costume shizzle. NANG BIGLANG!! hindi lang sa batch namin tumigil ang mundo!! pagdating nya sa sportscom! aba! level up ang drama nya!

 

 

matapos sabihin sa akin na baka barong lang ang suotin. wow. lumuhod ang mga tala! tuwing galaw ng ulo niya, isang buong barangay ng feathers ang sumasama! haha twas fun!

after that, we had a class lunch. my gosh, our homeroom mommy is just so great. sobrang swerte ng magiging anak nya. she really arranged everything. tapos when the food was ready, she was the one who put food on everyone's plates! as in! she was like asking us what we liked and shiz, and she was the one who ate last! wala lang i was amazed. then dun sa assemblies sa sportscom, mukhang kami pa ang pinapaypayan! at kasama pa sa make-up check! siguro nga tama yung sinabing "save the best for last".. the best yung last homeroom adviser na binigay samin ni Lord. thanks, Lord!

after lunch we all gathered again for a talk on being [duh] filipino. we were quite noisy before starting. tis always like that. then teacher ed told us to raise our right hand and say "hindi ko iiwan ang pilipinas."

i was very hesitant to do that. i was such a hypocrite! naiinis ako na sinabi ko yun at ginawa ko yun nung time na pinapagawa yun. hindi ko iiwan ang pilipinas? habang ang pamilya ko ay sobrang excited na sa paglipat namin sa canada? hindi ko iiwan ang pilipinas habang ang nanay ko ay nagkandarapa sa pagfifill out ng application forms para maka-migrate na kami?

sino ang niloko ko? sarili ko na naman..

i don't know if my family knows this since i haven't really been spending time with them lately due to school work, pero contrary to their whole excitement thing going on, ayoko talagang iwanan ang pilipinas! during the talk last friday, i remember the speaker, gang badoy, saying that whenever we dream, we dream of being in a different land, may it be europe, america, whatever. ako hindi eh. i want to grow up here. i want to work here, i want to earn money here and spend it here. i want to build a family here. i want to get married and have kids here. gusto kong tumanda dito sa pilipinas. gusto kong mamatay sa pilipinas.

aalis na si janna sa monday para mag-migrate sa states. sa mga susunod na buwan, taon, sino pa ang aalis? hindi ko alam. natatakot tuloy ako. baka after 5 years hindi ko na makita ulit si janna. hindi ko alam kung paano ko macocontact si chic. hindi ko alam anung cell phone number ni jow.

alam mo yun? paano kung may mangyari sayo at maisip mo na pasalamatan yung tao na yun, tapos hindi mo masabi dahil hindi mo alam kung paano siya macocontact. tapos hindi nya man lang malalaman kung ano ang nararamdaman mo. or, paano kung mamamatay ka na at gusto mong makita ulit yung mga tao na nagpaganda ng buhay mo.. eh di magtitiis ka na lang na mamatay ng wala man lang last words, last hug, last kiss galing sa kanila?

natatakot ako. alam ko sawang sawa na ko sa traffic, sa corruption, sa mga bastos at sa mga jologs, but i still want to stay in the philippines. 

ang dami kong narealize sa araw na ito...

there's no such thing as an act that affects only yourself.

hindi ko abot yung mataas na "love" dun sa linyang "measure your life in love" sa kantang seasons of love. i mean, kaya ko sha, pero hindi maganda yung lumalabas. tila walang direksyon.

napalipad ko na ang rocket ni jv. ang hinintay ko ng tatlong taon, alaala na lang ngayon.

see, the rocket activity is one of the highlights of being a senior. since first year, i've been seeing those blue and orange rockets, and i knew that one day i would get a hold of those rockets! and in 10-15 minutes, it's all over.

tapos speechfest na. tapos fair, intrams.. tapos march na tapos grad na. tapos magkakaanak na ko at mabubuhay ng matino. tapos magkaka-apo na ko. tapos patay na.