a mind is very private..

prettypauline

i don't know how i feel, i don't know how i am supposed to feel.

i just had a few gulps of lipovitan, hopefully to keep me up for just a few minutes, as i desire to have time to sleep tonight.

i feel so jittery at the thought of having to hold a critic show tomorrow at 4pm. no, i won't be performing as my alternate would be the one to be critiqued as she is a newbie on stage, and let's just say that the stage is soooo sick of me.

perhaps it feels so weird and scary that i'm feeling this because it's NOT MY CAST who's performing! however, i feel so pressured because today we do promotions, today we do the critic show, today, i see my babies shine and show what they've got.

i feel like a nanay who's going to send her baby to a big school for the first time. it's my first production as club president, 1st prod as production manager. i feel 10 times the nervousness that everyone else feels, because man! i have a reputation to protect! if banaag graduates see the play, they have to see that banaag still has magic!

panic mode. panic mode.

feels good to have such hardworking kids though. i'm proud!

but i still feel nervous. man, i need a life. 

prettypauline

it feels so hard that i have to do things at the same time just to be able to accommodate everyone.

i'm not complaining though.

i'm just..... tired. maybe too tired that lipovitan doesn't work for me anymore.

there's a show i have to do at 4pm tomorrow, and i don't want to look like a zombie, but my gaaash.. all these letters, all the homework..

i swear. kakainom ko lang ng lipovitan and i feel my eyes getting droopier by the second. sir antiquera said it only means that i really have to sleep.

eh kailangan ko rin naman tapusin lahat ng work.. i haven't even prepared my costumes for the show.

prettypauline

i work hard to get what i want. i work my ass out to get what i want. lahat ng gusto kong maabot, pinaghihirapan ko. hindi ako yung tipong tao na hindi nagttrabaho pero may nakukuha.

hinarap ko ang akala ko ay isang malaking oral defense sa buhay ko. may susunod pa pala. at hindi ko alam kung ilan pa yung susunod na yun.

fuck i need labooms.

naiinis ako sa avenue q, dahil totoo yung mga pinagsasabi nila. "everything in life is only for now." at some point okay sha, i mean, kung yung problema is only for now. pero kung yung happiness yung "only for now," ang sakit. sobrang sakit.

sa una kayang kaya ko pa pigilan yung luha eh. pero nung ako na lang mag-isa at napag-isipan ko na lahat ng possibilities, hindi ko na nagawang ngumiti pa.

even if i'm an actor, i'm finding it really really hard to pretend. sige na, call me an inefficient actor. pero sa ngayon, sobrang hirap.

i've mentioned billions of times about how hard it is to keep calm externally when deep inside everything just explodes.

i'm going to get what i want. i'm going to work hard to get what i want, and to keep what i want to keep. 

prettypauline

Things I Have Lived Through
Put numbers instead of x's (1, 2, 3, 4...).

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[ ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[ ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[2] I have been to Canada.

[ ] I have been to Europe.
[3] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[4] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[5] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs...near-death pa nga yun!
[ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.

[6] I have played ping pong.
[ ] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[7] I have seen fireworks.

[8] I have seen a shooting star.
[9] I have seen a meteor shower.
[10] I have almost drowned.
[11] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.

[12] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[ ] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[13] I have stayed up til 2 (and beyond) doing homework/projects.

[14] I have been ice skating.
[15] I have been rollerblading.
[16] I have fallen flat on my face.
[ ] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
[17] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[18] I have watched the Power Rangers.

[ ] I attend Church regularly.
[19] I have played truth or dare.
[20] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[21] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[22] I've called someone stupid.
[23] I've been in a verbal argument. (mostly with teachers)
[24] I've cried in school. (countless times!)
[25] I've played basketball on a team.
[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[ ] I've played soccer on a team.
[26] I've done cheerleading on a team. (grade school!)
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[27] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[28] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.

[ ] I've climbed a rock wall.
[29] I've lost more than $20.
[30] I've called myself an idiot.
[31] I've called someone else an idiot.
[32] I've cried myself to sleep.
[33] I've had (or have) pets.

[34] I've owned a Spice Girls CD/cassette.
[ ] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[ ] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[35] I have sworn/yelled at someone of authority before. (COUNTLESS TIMES)
[36] I've been in the newspaper. (hey, school paper counts, right? was editor for lit and features! haha!)
[37] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[39] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[ ] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[ ] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[ ] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[40] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[41] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.

[42] I've been called a geek.
[ ] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade. (hindi ako marunong mag-aral)
[43] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[ ] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[44] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[45] I've written poetry. (IF I DIDN'T I WOULD'VE GOTTEN FIRED)
[ ] I've been arrested.

[46] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[47] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[ ] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[48] I've had/have siblings.
[49] I've been to a rock concert.

[50] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[51] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class...
[ ] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class...

[52] I've cried in front of my friends.
[ ] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[ ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.

[53] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[54] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've had a fight with someone on AIM/MSN.
[55] I've had a fight (confrontation?) with someone face-to-face.
[56] I've had serious conversations on any IM.

[57] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[58] I've been forgiven.
[59] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[60] I've cried at a chick flick.
[ ] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[61] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.

[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[62] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[63] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[64] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[65] I've been in a car accident.

[ ] I've done drugs
[66] I've been homesick.
[67] I've thrown up.
[68] I've puked on someone. (i think. i was dead drunk then)
[ ] I've gone horseback riding.

[69] I've filled out more than 10 MySpace/LJ surveys.
[70] I've spoken my mind in public.
[71] I've proven someone wrong.
[72] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[ ] I've broken a leg.

[ ] I've broken an arm.
[ ] I've fallen off a swing.
[73] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[74] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[ ] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.

[ ] I've lost my backpack.
[75] I've come close to dying. (due to alcohol intoxication)
[ ] I've seen someone die.
[76] I've known someone who has died.
[77] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point. (UNTIL NOW!)

[ ] I've done modeling.
[ ] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[78] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[79] I've realized how good my life is.
[80] I've counted my blessings.
[81] I've made fun of a classmate.
[82] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.

[83] I've slapped someone in the face.
[ ] I've been skateboarding.
[84] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend. (now how many times has this happened?)
[85] I've lied to someone to their face.
[86] I've told a little white lie.

[87] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane. (i had a photo shoot!)
[88] I've fainted.
[89] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[90] I've pushed (thrown) someone into a pool.
[91] I've been pushed into a pool.
[92] I've been/am in love.

ang konti pa lang ng na-experience ko. hindi pa ko tunay na tao.. 

prettypauline

i've been feeling so stressed lately. i think it's affecting my work ethics and shit..

i feel so panget and irresponsible and unproductive, and it's not PMS.

yesterday my feet led me to the Church of the Gesu at the Ateneo. i went there after the show, and asked the guard if i could enter as no one was there. the guard told me that i will always be welcome as God never closes His doors.

the place was wonderful. there was a fountain at the back, and a few lights enough for someone to see the whole place. it wasn't as bright the last time i was there, which was during my brother's 1st communion.

i went up front, knelt, prayed, and cried. it lasted only for a few minutes, but it was such a comforting feeling to be there. it felt very nice to be alone with God, as opposed to the usual times i'd be seen at church-during sundays when there are a lot of people. at those times it is hardly possible to pray as there are a lot of factors to distract us - the clothes someone's wearing, mannerisms of certain people, how noisy kids could get. let's admit that we do tend to get distracted during mass, and focus on the superficial things.

i exited the place feeling a lot lighter. it was as if i got a thorn off my side. though there are still little thorns all around, at least there's one that's been taken off.

all i have to do is surrender everything to Him. after all, He's in charge. 

prettypauline

in the past days, i've been LSS-ed with songs from The Last 5 Years. i guess certain lines say a lot about how i feel. like,

See, I'm smiling
That means I'm happy that you're here

See, we're laughing
I think we're gonna be okay
I mean, we'll have to try a little harder
And bend things to and fro
To make this love as special

With all we've had to go through
We'll end up twice as strong

now i think i've smiled a genuine smile - one that doesn't come from the mind, but from the heart. during the weekend i hit my all time low, and i let my ship sink instead of covering a hole and sailing as if nothing happened. something did happen, and i got affected. i was not myself. right now i can't really say that i am myself already. i can't speak too soon..

When you come home to me
I'll wear a sweeter smile
And hope that, for a while, you'll stay
When you come home to me
Your hand will touch my face
And banish any trace of gray
Soon, a love will rise anew
Even greater than the joy I felt
Just missing you
And once again, I'll be
So proud to call you "mine"
When you finally come home
To me

i want to wear a sweeter smile.. yes, when you come home to me. it's going to be hard, but i believe that it's for the best.

i'm sorry.. 

prettypauline

i'm not surprised that school got called off. after all, given the shitload of rain and winds and flooded roads, who in the right mind would still go on with classes?

apparently our class is filled with dorks. haha, overthe PA system they already announced the cancellation of classes and our class still wanted to finish the lesson in economics. then later on i heard that another class also stayed til the end of 4th period, because they wanted to go on with physics class.

yes, we're dorks! hahaha!

i feel bad though that there's no club meeting today. i was looking forward pa naman to being with my babies and having rehearsal and a bunch of meetings on the side, but then again, God had other plans. He wants us to rest, perhaps.

i'm kind of HB because classes got suspended. today was supposedly a crucial one for me, today i was supposed to make myself heard and shit. oh well, it's not like there won't be tomorrow. pero who knows?!

nakakainis lang na yun nga, i didn't do well during yesterday's rehearsal, and i'm supposed to make up for it today. only proves that there's NO DAY BUT TODAY.

prettypauline

i like it when my day would have an even mix of sad and happy moments.

today, classes were supposed to be suspended, but since our dear president has quite a fickle mind, we were found in our classrooms from morning til noon.

you could only imagine how fucked i was when we were told that there's a change in our sked, and we're having physics on fridays in place of economics. oh well, life goes on, and i'd have to put up with that for the 8 months i have left in high school.

i hate that. i hate having to just accept that inevitable things happen and life goes on and i'd just have to put up with whatever comes my way.

i want to have a say on things. i want to be heard. more than being heard, i want to be listened to. i want to be assured that i have a place on earth, that i have a purpose for being here, that i do not exist for display purposes only. i'm working SO HARD to give other people what they need. kahit hindi ako matulog, kahit hindi ako kumain, basta makuha lang nila kung anung gusto nila, nagttrabaho ako!

pero bakit hindi nya yun magawa? bakit wala akong maramdaman na pag-reciprocate nung mga efforts ko.

i hate the fact that i'm a minor. i hate the fact that i am only a high school senior, and chances of the people "up there" hearing me would be very slim. i'm just a theatre org president, and i seem to be a bad actor as i don't get to strategize well when i want to reach my objective. i'm having a really difficult time right now. putang ina pa, hindi pa ko tapos magsalita, biglang magiinterrupt.

putang ina. i thought that in school we're told to listen to people and let them finish talking. i dunno kung saan sha nag-aral at kung saan nya nakuha yung kawalan nya ng manners.

practice what you preach, honey... don't just go after my money...

of all the people she's going to mess with...... ako pa? whoa..

prettypauline

tapos na yung show, finally.. today was very very different from the other days i've spent doing the show. for one thing, putang ina, nagviolin ako sa 1st show! chammie couldn't make it kasi to the 1st show eh mejo familiar naman ako with the violin parts so i gave it a shot. plus i promised jussell that i would help out sa band as much as i can. nagkalat ako, i know! hahaha!! pero ang weird kasi sabi ni jow, sabi daw ni pam gumagaling ako magviolin. eh hindi nga ako naglelessons okay so ang labo labo.

ayun. second show, nanood si sir antiquera at si sir laxa. mukhang oh no na lang eh. pinahaba na naman yung show dahil sa ad libs ko. walang kamatayan!! tapos ang daming former banaagers na nanood nung 2d show, like si bong my tal kookie dartz aya aina wait ayoko magmention ng names kasi baka may makalimutan ako tapos magalit pa.

after the 2d show, we prayed. ang sarap sarap na harapin si lord ng may sense of accomplishment.

tapos sabak na sa cast party. mukhang yung lola ni maya umiinom ng granma. hindi ako nag-granma mashado kasi baka hindi ko makayanan. pero okay pa ko ngayon. hindi ako sumabay kay jow pauwi kasi sabi sakin susunduin na lang daw ako dun sa bahay ni maya. eh biglang tumawag si mama nung wala ng tao sabi bakit hindi daw ako sumabay kay jow.

hindi ko gusto yung reception ng family ko sa mga bagay bagay. naoffend ako kaninang umaga nung after taking a bath, tinanong ako ni mama kung saan ako pupunta. so malamang sabi ko i'm going to school because i'm doing a show. tapos sabi nya, "show na naman? akala ko ba mag-aaral muna kayo?" parang, shit okay, i'm working so hard to come up with a show, tapos magrereklamo sha na nagshshow ako? tapos lagi nya na lang ako sinasabihan na mag-aral daw ako. as if i'm not struggling to handle theater and studies?! kasalanan ko ba na nahanap ko yung place ko sa theatre? ni hindi nga sila nagtanong what time yung shows eh. basta hinatid lang ako dun. kaya ayun, they ended up not watching the show. nakaka-bother na there's one thing i'm very passionate about, and i don't get support from them kaya nahihirapan ako to find the rewards sa mga ginagawa ko. walang encouragement, walang support, wala. naghahatid at nagsusundo lang.

tapos kanina we were told na our club moderator will be replaced again. putang ina. anong sinasabi nilang "try someone new" eh kaka-sabak pa nga lang ng moderator namin eh. basta guys, now that you know na, yehey may karamay na ko. hindi ko tlga kinaya last week na kami lang ni issa may alam. pero please, let's all work together para makuha yung gusto natin. magdedefend tayo, okay? 

kung matalo ako, it will be the end of me. 

prettypauline

when i'm already fuckfaced wasted,

i start to talk in straight tagalog.

and i start to kiss girls and be homo.

and i cry so hard.

and i tell people how much i love them.

and i start to curse people in authority.

and i still think of my babies and how they feel.

and i don't become a brat. (okay, so this ain't entirely true. i think of being a brat as being persistent)

and i reveal a lot about myself.

then give it an hour or two, and i'd be dead wasted, and people would start to panic, rub ice on my face, get me a bucket to throw up on, and they'd go home and hope that i'm still alive.

and fuck, it's not entirely bad, but it's not entirely good either.

prettypauline

shit nung club kanina. todo uncomfortable. hindi ko nagustuhan na sobra sobrang tahimik kanina. 

i need an alcohol fix. i want to get wasted again.

today wasn't entirely good. in fact, by the afternoon i was already in tears.

i don't accept things easily.

yes, this is very very very very incoherent, but i don't care. as long as i get to say what i want to say, i'm content.

pero oo, putang ina nya pa rin. kahit anong gawin nya, putang ina nya talaga. oo, sha rin.

ewan ko. blame it on pride, pero hindi ko talaga kayang magpadala sa kagaguhan na ginagawa nila. hindi ko kayang mag-submit. never in my life am i going to SUBMIT to anything that will not do me any good. all the more kapag may ibang tao na involved.

great fuck. maybe it's this time of the year, or maybe they're really just gago. i opt for the latter. 

prettypauline

i dunno what i'm doing..

i feel that part of me says i'm just taking a break. half of me says naman that i'm slacking off.

i don't know what i'm supposed to believe in

fine, there's econ, physics, english and trigo that i have to work on.. and there's no school due to the SONA so i could cram when i wake up.

but i feel that i'm too physically harrassed (pmsing, menstrual cramps-ing, not to mention attacked by the sniffles, coughing like it's the end of the world, having a headache that could win me a tony award sa sobrang lupit, and feeling feverish) to even move and make things work and shit.

tapos ayan naman eh.. mukhang ako na naman ang mamamahala sa econ. yes, banaag curse. yang banaag curse na yan hindi na nakakatawa ah.. yung as in just because i'm a banaager, ako na bahala sa kung ano man na presentation shits ang kailangan gawin. tapos nako, paano na lang kaya pagdating ng speechfest? i can hear the jokes now! omg! lalo na ang laking ouch kapag group presentation tapos may maririnig akong:

"si pauline na lang. banaag naman yan eh sha may alam nyan"

i don't know. i mean, yes i'm an actor. pero shempre alam ko rin kung kelan dapat ako lang yung magttrabaho and kelan ko kailangan ng tulong.

hay antok lang siguro toh... makatulog na nga.. at maligaw sa panaginip...

yes, i think i'm slacking off.. i'll wake up tomorrow and cram nalang.. 

prettypauline

i want things to be in order. yes, i have a tendency to be OC when it comes to things that i really want to focus on.

naiinis ako at the thought of things being shaken up. hindi ko kaya na things won't be ironed out tapos aayusin lang like hours before or minutes before the deadline. i like to have foresight. dapat may plan A and plan B ang lahat. if possible pa nga, may plan C, D, E...

i'm extremely sure this is another one of them anxiety attacks. shit. shortness of breath, nausea, fear that i'll die anytime..

i have to admit, i thought that i was ready for it. i thought that everything would be in the right place by tomorrow. then i thought, oh shit! there's not much time left! come next week, it would be too late!

now that everything's slowly sinking in, hindi ko pa pala kaya. i'm not ready to undergo a major change. i'm not ready to adjust again. i'm not ready for everything that's about to happen.

natatakot ako na baka magkamali na naman ako. natatakot ako na magkamali in general. natatakot ako na mahila na naman kami pababa. natatakot ako na kapag may pagkakamali, i would have to be blamed for it. ayokong umalis na may kulang. ayokong umalis na nagiiwan ng sugat. ayokong makasakit, in the same way na ayokong masaktan.

i was rummaging through some things while in search for a scrapbook that i bought but never worked on. now i'm finally going to lay my hands on the scrapbook, and i know that whoever will open it and read through it will be amazed at how much growth and change s/he has caused.

upon opening that empty scrapbook, i was greeted with a 1/4 bond paper with the number 6 on it. it was the one i used for the banaag auditions! i remembered how i was upon auditioning. i was a diva. an "i'm not afraid of anything" kind of freshman. i was the new student who wanted to join a theatre group for the love of performing. i was the ultimate BITCH of banaag. i was the new kid who doesn't believe that what they're doing is right.

now, three years have passed, and i'm no longer the new student. i'm no longer the freshman. i'm not any younger. i am a senior, i am the banaag president. i am not a diva. as a freshman, i thought i was a slave. now, as a senior, i think that this is the time for me to be the slave. i want everything to be in place. i want everyone to be okay. i want what's best for the young ones.

i'm not ready. and yes, i am afraid.

prettypauline

i have been awake for 63 hours and 19 minutes.

but now it's time for beddy bye.

why does the president's flu have to be reported? kung ako naman yung nagka-flu, hindi naman na-nnews. i'm a president, too! 

prettypauline

today's been a total slack-off day. i slept from 12 midnight until 1:30pm. then i ate lunch, and slept at 2:00pm, woke up at 4. varsity batugan captain is again in the works!

just a few minutes ago, i finished watching "mga munting tinig",  a filipino film. it's about a teacher who substituted for one who left for singapore. she was a fresh grad, very young and very idealistic, therefore taking on the challenge of teaching in a school in a very remote area.

the film exposed a lot about how the public school system works. i felt furious upon seeing how the teachers would sell items to students in exchange of receiving their report cards, and how the school would panic and make everything look pleasant when someone from outside would pay a visit. i hated it, because it's what happens in reality! tapos wala naman tayong ginagawa to correct that. kapag may paascu visit sa school, they tell us to "act natural" but when the real thing comes along, they're the ones who are super plastic.

also, given a less-fortunate community in a remote area, i was disappointed to be faced with more harsh realities. i speak of generations of farmers who have kids who want to go to school in hopes of bringing their family to greater heights, but are told by their parents to help them in the farm, thus not putting a stop to the vicious cycle. they always keep in mind that they cannot do anything anymore.

however, one thing that struck me most is when i saw how the central character was able to make a difference through teaching. there are only a few teachers who have the ability of making a difference. most teachers would just teach you for 10 months and then would keep on teaching one class after another. i hate it that some teachers only teach for the sake of getting meals 3 times a day, apart from other expenses that they might want to be capable of handling. you could tell who's like that and who isn't - those who teach for the sake of being employed are the ones who do not leave a mark on the lives of the students. in short, sila yung hindi effective.

i finished watching the film (on original vcd, by the way, as i respect filipino film makers) with gallons of tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. it started with a bang and ended with a difference. it's been a while na rin since i was affected that way while watching a movie ah!

i want to have more of these.. 

prettypauline

i was reading the banaag constitution the other day, when i stumbled across the pages of the growth and development of the banaag theatre guild. it was perhaps just my third time of reading that part of the constitution, as i often read the consti for reference with regard to the rules, the responsibilities of people in authority, attendance policies, etc.

it's only now that i realized that the first president of the banaag theatre guild is sylvia pagsanghan, the daughter of the well-known mr. pagsi. with that, i was reminded of the story of creation. how women were created from a portion of man's flesh. wala lang. ang galing.

being the forever idealistic person that i am, naalala ko na naman yung sinasabi nila na "grand reunion" of banaagers. i searched and found a yahoo group of banaag alumni, as well as a yahoo group for banaagers in general. i added them both, in hopes of making the "grand reunion" vision come true. i think they've been planning it since God knows when.

nagawa na namin na magpalit ng moderator (twice pa in a span of around 3 months), magpa-renovate ng tanghalang sinag, at i-revise ang constitution. that being said, i'm motivated to push with the reunion thing.

sana lang ma-retrace namin hanggang sa kadulu-duluhan!!

prettypauline

shit august 1 na tomorrow

pinanghihinaan ako ng loob, swear!!

i keep on telling myself that there's nothing to worry about..

nang biglang ako rin mismo nagsisimulang mag-worry...

i know, i'm a nervous wreck..