banaag's been in a roller coaster ride for the past days!!
i'm applying the lessons i learned in acting class!! one must have objective.. i established where i came from, where i'm going, what i want, and how badly i want it.. and yeah, i'm doing everything cuz that's how much i want it.
i'll go through the whole story soon, i'm too busy and too sleepy pa..
today was an overload of storylines and performances.
i woke up at 6:30am today to get ready to watch The Wiz and Wicked..
then i came, and i saw..
both shows were good! i mean, yes they were showcases which were performed only once. so i guess that really pushes the students to perform to the best of their abilities. of course, given just one time in your life to do that one show, who wouldn't take advantage? well, i saw some who wasted their time on stage, but i focused on those who enjoyed what they were doing.
i still feel bitter, though. watching the playshop shows doesn't change the fact that i didn't go to playshop this year. i cried when i saw "home" from the wiz.. and i cried when i saw "for good" from wicked.. i thought about how i decided to be absent in playshop, and if it was a wise decision..
then i went to starbucks in katipunan to meet up with jussell.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! then abby and jussell and i were just there.. being there lang for one another.. then jussell and i went to chic's house cuz we wanted to go to eastwood..
we watched the Benchwarmers (da Benchi code?) and did stuff..
i'm sleepy now.
so i guess it's a given that it's 4:46 am and i'm here in front of the computer.
shit. i just lost my time to sleep. i'm supposed to wake up at 7 and i'm afraid that i might not wake up at 7 so i'm using up my time blogging with a bottle of red bull. yup, i finally finished the revised banaag constitution!
the past week didn't have much blog entries due to being very busy with school. i haven't even submitted my UP application form!
because all the club's summer activities are already over, our club discussed about what major production we want to do. ayun. surprise surprise na lang to those who don't know about them yet. that was what happened last monday and tuesday.
wednesday created quite a stir! it was already the end of the day when jow and i decided to look for sir f (our moderator) to ask about the class schedules for us to know when to run just 1 show, and when to do 2 shows, etc. lo and behold, we were suddenly told, sir f got promoted and we're moderator-less!! sir f recommended someone to take over, but the club had other thoughts..
thursday was spent doing jussell's play. script-reading. but there i was, still thinking of who we could get to take on the job as the club's moderator. i spent the whole day looking for school administrators and teachers, talking to school admins (yes, it's sooooo HARD to keep smiling while my heart's being crushed!!) and all the shiz. they told us to go back for the final meeting on friday. after the meeting, i went to eastwood and WALKED for 3 hours, just thinking, writing.. everything. kuya macky said it's called "taking a walk" which is quite therapeutic for a stressed little girl like me (emphasis on the "little!"
.. yeah, i was THAT stressed out and problematic..
friday i was reallllllly ultimately shitfaced nervous! i want the best moderator because i want only the best for the babies i'm taking care of. yeah. so morning we worked on jussell's play, and then lunch, then we went to abby's to watch Rent but the dvd didn't work so some just swam while some were just talking.. before i knew it, it was 3pm already! we had to go already to mrs de guzman's office to have our last "oral defense" to get us the best club moderator. thank God, we got who we wanted for the job! yes, banaag has this certain charm which just gets everyone. yeah, that, and well, i guess my notes did their job effectively. i've never felt so elated!
saturday was an overload of sorts. i watched playshop showcases. first was The Wiz, with abby, cheskie, and chato. then Wicked with abby, cheskie and dandan. i have my commentaries in the brains of the people i talked to.. i promised that next summer, i will be back home. i will be back in trumpets.. this year was just an overload of work plus a little bit of travelling so things kind of got in the way. i had no choice.
after that, jussell said she's in katipunan and she's all alone. it was her birthday then so i went to katipunan to be with her and to be a friend. we talked in starbucks for quite a long time. abby got her a cake because abby can't go watch a movie daw with us. i wasn't supposed to watch a movie also but i made pilit my mom to allow me because i didn't want jussell to be sad. chic wasn't supposed to go but we went to her house to force her out of bed. then chato followed sa eastwood. we watched Benchwarmers and it felt real good. it felt nice to be bobo once in a while, because i've been spending lots of time thinking.. so watching such a bobo movie made me feel good!
after the movie, we talked and talked and talked, which was exactly what we did before the movie. nagcontemplate kami about the things that life's giving us. sarap ng feeling to think about life. sobra. i've been going to eastwood after banaag meetings the whole week to walk, think, write, and i did all those alone. but at that moment, it was my 4th time for that week to be in eastwood, and i wasn't alone anymore.
i feel better now. yeah, i spent the whole night wide awake just to finish typing the constitution, but it feels good that i'm done. even if i don't get to sleep..
yeah. sleepless night. great fuck.
still busy with school. shitfaced stressed and not quite liking it but trying to smile through it!
revision of the constitution, making letters, UP application (yes, finally made time for that), banaag, banaag, banaag, doing things for our new moderator, doing things for the old one, among all the other things i've been doing. yes, this is pauline pretending to be superwoman minus the costume shits.
i'm tired of it, but i can't be tired of it so i'm trying to just get everything done.
i guess i've been doing more than i can handle, so i've been under the weather. got to school with a sore throat, came home with colds as a bonus. now my nose is clogged and i'm coughing endlessly and sneezing like it's the end of the world.
sick as a dog? yes, if not worse!
i'm too young to die!
danica tagged me! well, fine, useful na din to take my mind off things
the first player of this game starts with the "6 weird things/habits about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things, as well as state this rule clearly.. in the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names...
1. i kill ants using a lighter and enjoy their crunchy deaths.
2. i take 4-hour walks to think about everything i want to think of. sana pumayat na ko!
3. i value time alone because i want to always reflect on certain things.
4. i get excited at the thought of having to wear a costume in public.
5. my attacks of hysteria are so sudden, it gets scary
6. i have dreams of making it on broadway, but the thought of having to dance makes me panic!
tags: everyone who gets to read this
this time, BA's the one who tagged me! at take note, dun sa thing where danica tagged me, BA tagged me also.. ayan naman eh..
Name ten of life’s simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.
1. being with banaag and (sometimes) teaching them. i pass on to them the different things i've learned from all the teachers i've gone through. and when i see them doing well, wow! oh! and seeing them do the log roll properly is just the best thing!
2. watching a movie and getting struck by a line that would keep me thinking all night.
3. WATCHING A MUSICAL. and there's never a musical wherein i didn't cry towards the end. i cry because when it's the end, everything would just be a memory.
4. being in a musical. i break my leg, i touch their hearts. and man, hearing the applause during curtain call just feels so good, i want to die!
5. having people looking up to you. it gives me the urge to suddenly become responsible and shit. then when i act all responsible, i become productive. ang sarap!
6. walking around eastwood for 3 hours when i'm sad. then i'd go to starbucks and write everything i feel. then my sister picks me up, takes me home, and i'd go to bed with a happy heart.
7. suddenly bumping into people i haven't seen in years. recently i've been very in touch with my past. since it's review class season last month, i saw lots of friends from st paul pasig and classmates from trumpets. then i went to trumpets showcases, saw my sister's friend ushering, saw old classmates performing.. then i saw my ex boyfriend whom i haven't seen for like 4 years. then i got to work with ate kyla the other week (after not seeing her for more than a year). then last night, i was with banaag yellow 2004 and blue 2005. lahat ng tao sa past ko, nagpapakita.. parang, am i going to die na? kasi nagpapakita silang lahat!!
8. lying down on the grass, just drinking, while talking and looking at the stars. i want to do that with friends who really matter to me. those whom i could just run to when i'm not at my best. sobrang ganun yung friends ko in banaag. kahit mukhang basura na ko, sila yung pumupulot sakin and naglilinis sakin kasi sa tingin nila, ako yung basurang recyclable.
9. seeing people i know and are dear to me soaring high in their field of expertise. like those who are now in hk disney, those who direct and produce really great plays, those who get accepted in auditions, those who won second place in summer scream showdown, the one who had a very successful gig called "undaunted"... it makes me so happy to have touched their lives and even happier that they touched mine.
10. seeing my friends wearing smiles coming from their hearts.
tags: everyone who gets to read this. i don't want to tag certain people, because everyone should tell the world what they're thankful for..
i feel like the world's biggest fattest slacker ass right now.
i don't want to fix my room because that would mean that i have too much time on my hands. i want to work and shit. i need a hero. i need a raket!!! i need to have something to do. it's like my brain's turning into mush and i can't think as creatively as i used to.
i want to write about a bridal gown rental shop wherein the gowns they lend are from corpse brides.
the play i'm working on is a straight play. oh no. i need to have music in my veins. rehearsals haven't been torturing me though, so i guess i'm still alive.
school starts this week. i'm not sure if it starts on wednesday or thursday. i'm stupid to not know when school starts for someone who's been going to school since the 15th of may. to think 8am-5pm pa ako sa school ah.. nakakabobo na lang eh..
i'm ready for senior year. i've been ready for it ever since banaag pink left me with all the work. then i was told to step up and start working and be the superwoman that i'm not. yun lang, i guess i can say i'm ready for senior year as far as banaag is concerned. as for my academics, i guess i also want to push myself harder this time because last year was the biggest shit of my life. i want to make sure that i pass everything. and i want to get to a good school for college. i don't want to be like fiyero, though i believe that the trouble with schools is they always try to teach the wrong lesson (but i disagree that they want you to become less shallow, because being in such a conservative school, being shallow is being righteous)..
oh that was fucking mush. see? i need creative blood running through my system.
anyway, inna tagged me!
Instructions basically are to describe your perfect lover and indicate your lover's supposed gender and tag 8 people to do so as well.
gender: MALE, please.
*taller than me
*smartass but not the intimidating kind of smart, but not a freaky kind of smart either.
*can carry a conversation
*approachable
*passionate but not too much because too much passion looks so lustful and so rapist-ish.
*gentleman (OPENS DOORS, LETS ME GO FIRST, and shit)..
*singer/actor. someone who's into theater.
*knows how to play an instrument (preferably the piano or the violin)
*would write a song for me then play it. heehee.. guitarists are too common kaya piano/violin lang gusto ko..
*someone who'd go home with me every night. as in, if he's going OT, i'll wait, and then he does the same for me.
*someone who knows my favorite song (without me directly telling what it is)..
*someone like ross from FRIENDS.
tagging: you know my principles on tagging. i believe that everyone has the right to do this even without the tag.
see? i did one of those stuff again.. means i have too much time on my hands. i feel the need to do something beneficial for myself and for others.
right now it's around 36 hours until school starts. i don't want to go to school yet. it's hard to say goodbye to a world i got used to for so long. my daily routine is already fixed as it is! 9am-4pm banaag rehearsals, 4pm onwards in katipunan or eastwood or wherever i'm brought by my feet.
however, in 36 hours, i would be dragging my sorry ass to school, except it won't be entirely for rehearsals. i'd have to actually study!! sucks, but i have no choice!
my summer vacation wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad either. i guess going to another country somehow made me realize how much i needed to take a break from the freakshow that is manila. well, not entirely, since there's such a thing as email so i still had to check on my dear babies through ym and email. i guess the vancouver part of the trip made me feel more at ease since there was no internet there (it was expensive at the business center of the hotel!) therefore i was able to really hang out with myself.
while i was in canada though, i had lots of times when i wanted to be Fed-exed back to manila. oh well, grass is always greener on the other side.
after reaching dear old manila, i stayed home for ONE WHOLE WEEK, then the following week i found myself at the banaag workshops. then shit happened and it got cancelled and poof! there wasn't anything to do for the whole week except to just brainstorm and shit. week after, we had our retreat, then another try at the workshops. this time everything went smoothly. it made me super happy!!
soon after, another flurry of events came rushing! we were given a new moderator but we had other plans, so now we do have a new moderator (yes, clubmates.. hindi na po si sir f.. after so many years of rumors that he won't be the banaag moderator for the coming year, ito... nagkatotoo na), we revised the club constitution, we have plans of overhauling the tanghalang sinag..
now to add to the deluge of things to do is senior year itself. there are endless college application forms, there's the ibong mandaragit, physics, and all that shit. but yeah, being the feeling superwoman i am now, i guess i could handle it. i pray i could handle it.
after today's rehearsal, i went to mcdo with chia, celine, maya, jussell and jow. then upon going home, i saw something in the sky. there was a rainbow! it looked so nice, i wanted to slide on it and dig in the pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow.
it's such a nice feeling when there's a rainbow. it somehow pushes me to keep on believing in magic. it makes me feel so comfortable.
i'm happy..
i read gab's post in multiply. it said,
"if only there were two of me."
it got me thinking. ang saya siguro nun. queen pauline and pretty pauline would be like, alternating with each other as to who goes where. one goes to school, the other stays at home or goes off to rehearsals! wow!! sarap!
but then i guess if there were two of me, i won't get to bond much with the people i hold dear. and parang, all the things i would do would be half-baked. walang nagagawa to the best of my abilities.
wag na lang..
anyway, i spent today rather normal. tito let me bring the dvd player to school since i didn't get to finish watching FRIENDS while in the car.. yipee.. then the freshmen had their 1st day of school. three of my babies were out touring the freshmen.. okay na rin yun! representation! hahaha!!
i feel bad that i didn't get to go on stage during rehearsal today. i feel so unproductive again.
after rehearsal, we went to mcdo to meet neenyah, pam, anamae and aina.. that was part 2 na kasi nung lunch banaag original green went to mcdo also and did some catching up with them.. then navs was there nung lunch. ia was there nung afternoon..
tapos today nag-visit sa rehearsals si janna and si alzo.. putang ina okay? when alzo left, hindi ko alam the exact reason, but i suddenly started crying.. as in yung talagang iyak and shit. wala lang.. weird that i didn't know why i was crying, but there i was..
i went home super tired, though i don't really get why i should be tired. i mean, i didn't even get to go on stage today and shit. and last night i had a wonderful, wonderful 10-hour sleep. i was really well-rested.. so wtf's with feeling tired?
well, all i know is, i don't want to go to school tomorrow. and i don't want na to be two people.
today's probably one of the happiest days of my life. i'm happy at how simple things made me go home with a genuine smile on my face.
fine, school's ass like always. well, filipino was fun.. it was nice to act shy and have a "dolby digital surround sound" voice quality. as in, in terms of volume and shit, okay? hahaha.
i spent recess and lunch time with banaag. some were thinking of what to present, the band was practicing IRIS!!, some were busy working on the club ad. it felt nice to be around them. well, we never got tired of one another. we'll never get tired of one another. after all, that's all we have - one another!
it makes me happy to see them happy. i feel fulfilled when i see that they're enjoying what they're doing.
this afternoon was club shopping day. freshmen and sophomores flocked the different registration tables for different clubs and signed up for auditions. of course, being the feeling responsible ass that i am, i stayed at the table assigned for banaag and gave out application forms as soon as them potential banaagers signed up for auditions. it was hell out there! SUPER HOT!! and everyone was like shouting and shit. and everyone with a stable club spent time promoting their own clubs to freshmeat freshmen. i have to invest on a million bucks' worth of pei pa koa if i want to last til tomorrow. must not lose voice!! omg..
our new moderator arrived a bit late because of a meeting thing. alam nyo yang mga meeting na yan, ndi na uso ngayon, okay? banaag = great, therefore, banaag = top priority.. yuck joke lang anu buh. ayun. we talked about some club stuff. guys!! tara! party at abby's! bwahahaha!!
the band did Iris kanina.. gusto ko one year six months eh!!!!!!!! pero yeah.. duh great sila.
after that we had rehearsals na for Silid. ako na-salang sa stage ngayon. nung una hesitant ako kasi todo kinailangan ko ng advil at wala akong nahanap. todo feel ko mamamatay na ko. pero yun. after a while i was okay na.
i asked the band to teach me the music stuff. i tried the guitar parts dun sa funny scenes, senti scenes, and yung sa song tomorrow ko papaturo. natutuwa sakin si pauba chka si sarah because ang bilis daw ng pickup ko! YEHEY!! may hope pa ko sa guitar!! tama yung sinabi ni teki nung 1st year!
tapos nakakainis nung i was trying to play nga the guitar stuff tapos si jussell bigla akong tinawag to demonstrate how to do the intimate scene. intimate not necessarily meaning bastos. basta nainis ako kasi eh di todo nakakadala yung ginagawa namin. even if like mga 10 seconds lang and we had to repeat it several times. nainis ako kasi wala akong ganun. meaning, yung feeling na yun, yung pagpapakita ng emotions na yun, hanggang sa stage ko lang magagawa. maybe that's why i want to be on stage. it's where i become who i want to be. it's where i become someone i'm not. ambisyon na kung ambisyon!
grabe yung scene na yun. while i was watching it kanina, bigla na lang ako napapasabi ng "better" or ng "very good".. they're such great actors. i'm proud.
kaya ako umuwi ng nakangiti ngayon. ang saya nung ending ng araw ko. sana maulit! or sana may mas maganda pang dumating..
pero for now, thank you, Lord!
i'm yming with chic right now. sobrang naiiyak ako!!!
i miss her. i miss being with banaag pink '06. grabe when chic texted me last thursday, bumaha na lang ng luha! i really miss her. tapos ngayon nagiiyakan din kami.
she mentioned that she was feeling terrible yesterday and went to mc and looked for banaag. wala shang naabutan. walang rehearsal kahapon eh.
now i feel like shit for cancelling the rehearsal yesterday. we were supposed to be there. we were supposed to rehearse. we were supposed to be there as chic walked in and sought for the feeling of home. though i take comfort that she still thinks of us as her family. na kung kelan pinagmamalupitan na sha ng outside world, may matatakbuhan pa rin sha.
putang ina naiiyak pa rin ako!!!
auditions na ng banaag bukas. kinakabahan ako. ayokong magkamali. i want to make wise decisions. ayoko ng may matulad dun sa lahat ng nagqquit, lahat ng nagloloko, lahat ng naliligaw. gusto kong mabigyan ng chance to mold the future banaagers. hindi matagal ang walong buwan, at yun na lang ang natitira naming oras.
para akong nasa deathbed. ginagawa ang lahat para lumisan ng maayos. sinasabi lahat ng gusto sabihin. nilulubos and bawat araw, bawat minuto, bawat segundo, na nandito pa kami.
sa pagkausap sa mga natapos na ang panahon kasama ang banaag, doon ko napagtanto na sobrang sarap pala ng mundong ginagalawan ko.
isang taon mula ngayon, ako naman ang may pagkakataon na sumubok umuwi. sana sa pag-uwi ko, hindi ako mabigo. sana naroon pa rin yung tahanan na kumupkop sa akin sa loob ng apat na taon. hindi lahat ng araw sa apat na taong iyon ay naging maganda. ngunit lahat sila, masarap balikan.
