a mind is very private..

prettypauline

the grass is always greener on the other side..

now that i'm home, i'm kind of pissed of how things are going for me.. i'm not sure if i'm just sleepy or whatever.. no, it's not jetlag.. i sleep when there's moon, i stay up when there's sun..

i've been given the sked that banaag came up with while i was in canada.. to be honest, i'm not that satisfied (guys, think about that 8am-5pm you're talking about!!).. but it's okay.. there's time to think..

i spent the whole day fixing my room (and it's not totally fixed!!).. will count my ty beanies in a while.. mukhang naubos yung tag protectors that i bought.. shit man i bought 60 protectors and we ran out pa? how many beanies did we buy?

then fixed the pasalubongs also.. and basically got a life..

though i don't think the life i got is heavenly.. i'll learn to get by.. 

prettypauline

i'm sooooo stupid, i just know it..

i played FLOW: urban dance shits on ps2.. it's like dance dance rev, but it's more american streetdance-ish.. it's like, one of the VERY FEW ORIGINAL PS2 GAMES I POSSESS.. hahaha.. mas mura kasi sa canada. $20-40 compared to the Php4000 here in pilipinas..

anyway, to make myself more into FLOW, i used a dance pad... and set the game to medium difficulty.

ayun.. i saw a move involving three arrows at once! (left, right and down).. i didn't think of using my hand for the 3d arrow.. and what do you know!!

i twisted my ankle..

genius me!!

so like, here's to playing more eyetoy while sitting on a chair!!

prettypauline

i dont think i'm being the competent, responsible person i want to be.

and i'm getting schizo all because i'm home alone (well, except the maids are here).. and the friggin heat is getting to my nerves.. hello, risk of pneumonia pa cuz my room's like a blast freezer and here outside it's like an oven.. so when i keep going to and from my room, wow!! 

prettypauline

i want to go back to the paradise-like life that canada gave me while i was there.. well, of course i won't have the same quality of life when i start living there - like, hello to no maids at home and hello to doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and all the chores that were just a television thing for me..

gusto ko lang naman, shopping eh.. haha. and of course the weather there right now..

i didn't like my pictures though.. i mean, due to the bazillion jackets, especially in banff, i looked fatter than i already am..

anyway, i also like the life wherein there's just the little things for me to care about. no work, no responsibilities, no ACADEMICS (haha), none of the important stuff.. it's like, playtime all the time.

but i'm here now and there's no use fussing over those stuff..

next week, workshops na.. yay makakaalis na ulet ng bahay!! mehn i've been stuck here since i got here.. i want to experience life outside of my house please (*sings* there is life outside your apartment)...

but i still want to like, sleep all day and stuff.. imagine, 8am-5pm kme during the workshops! so wow naman all the energy! mukhang i'll need extra joss!! well, if extra joss still works for me.. mukhang regular drink nalang sakin ang extra joss ngayon eh and like, it's not working its wonders anymore for me..  

omg!! and i won't get to watch tv as much when the workshops start!! awww that's sad!! but it's happy also cuz it's workshops na!! 

i had a dream last night that it was the banaag season opener already and shows na when i got back to manila.. so i wasn't in the season opener.. tapos they held it in a different venue, and sobrang sloppy nung show tapos sobrang daming dead air.. siguro sabi ni Lord magtrabaho na daw ako..

i got nervous tuloy. sana maging maayos yung season opener!! 

prettypauline

i turned on the pc tv tuner and it was wowowee... the part where they ask the people their bday wishes and the occupations of the parents and stuff, and then the children start crying... then in the middle of all those tears, the host asks them what talent they would like to showcase.. then in a split-second, you'll see them dancing like nothing happened..

yes, pinoy! 

prettypauline

nakakainis marami nalang ako naririnig na news na dapat ako yung unang nakakaalam..

nakakainis na parang, dahil lang dun sa 3 weeks na wala ako, yung 3 years ko na pinagpaguran nawala na..

hindi na toh hearstroke, umuulan na eh..

pero seryoso, i'm really stressed sa lahat ng nangyayari.. i feel so out of place and i feel that i'm not needed and that they prefer to do things on their own..

sana mag-retreat na!! sobrang dami kong gusto sabihin!! 

prettypauline

nakakabanas yung start ng day ko. the workshop facilitator wasn't able to go to our workshop today because of an emergency.. emergency so malamang sudden.. pero we managed to make a productive 8am-5pm meeting. we discussed our season opener, and our major play. ideas came flooding for the major play at sobrang whoa!! hahaha.. todohan ang funny and mejo scary..

ayan tuloy, takot na ko sa candy!! ayokong ma-candy!! haha sorry inside joke..

GRABE YUNG MCDO KATIPUNAN!! akala ko kanina magcocollapse na eh!! sobrang, whoa!! it's either my world is just soooo small, or i really do get around..

ang saya!! i saw justine and chris from playshop 2005.. tapos i saw monica, camille, lap, antonette, and a lot of other paulinians.. nakakamiss ah!! omg! pero yun nga ang business nila sa katipunan - para mag-review for college entrance tests.. eh ako hindi nagreview class and wala naman akong intention to do so dahil i just want to let things happen the way they should..will ni Lord yung papayagan kong mangyari cuz i know na he's the one who knows what's best for me.. kung sa philippines ako magcocollege, eh di sige.. kung hinde, eh di hinde..

gusto ko ng california maki.. yek, random thought..

then after the 5pm thing at school, i was on the way to mcdo (again!) cuz that's where tito picked me up.. then i saw lebs! haha gusto ko pumunta sa book launching nya.. yehey!!

wala lang.. mas safe yung feeling ko with this setup.. parang, lahat ng tao na close sakin nasa katipunan lang.. chka para hindi na hassle na "lumuwas pa ng maynila" haha (a term my family uses when we go beyond the bahay-katipunan-bahay routine)..

bukas ulit! 

prettypauline

kung ayoko, ayoko!! wala nang kokontra!!

you've done enough damage, okay? tapos dadagdag pa?

whoa.. todohan.. so, hindi na talaga ko tao nyan.. 

prettypauline

naalala ko yung laging ginagawa ni jow..

"ganyan talaga ang buhay class, dahil sa basketball, ang bola ay bilog. diba noh, class?"

sobrang basketball yung araw na toh.i feel bad, pero i feel good na din..

i'm thankful we got to do workshops with ate kyla. savior talaga!

tama naman eh. walang bagay na binibigay si Lord na hindi natin kaya.

i feel like giving up because of them, but they're the same people who are motivating me to work hard and stand up and try to fix things.

so wala akong choice. i want to work. i want to fix what's broken, get things done.

gusto ko LAHAT inaapply ang concept ng commitment. hindi yung from one end lang nanggagaling lahat ng effort.. 

prettypauline

putang ina naiinis ako.. after ko magmemorize ng marami.. i listened to my ipod and was in my "shit don't disturb me and my ipod because we're bonding" mode..

after a while, i was trying to recall the lines i memorized, and fuck! konti lang naaalala ko!!

i don't want to forget it! i want to finish memorizing and actually remember the piece because ayaw kong mapag-tripan na naman bukas! hahaha!!

kahapon pa eh.. i'm the "shy" one daw in the group. ako daw maraming inhibitions.. tapos kanina naman ako ginawang unang murderer.. WHOA!! hahaha.. then ako din nauna sa objective exercise and sa freeze tag exercise.. at mukhang dun sa objective 30 minutes siguro akong on stage!! kasi i'm changing my strategy daw!! hahaha omg todo kasing haba na ng isang play yung happening ng mundo.. pero i had a great time. sobrang ready to die na at some point kasi it felt good and it felt closer to home. again, thanks, ate ky!!

but again, the day didn't go all great. sure, may moments na masaya, pero may time din na mej ready to cry anytime na ko!!

come the afternoon, i memorized, ipod-sessioned, fell asleep. it wasn't all great, but it was good.

i think i need a massage. someone better massage me tomorrow when i get to school.. demanding? haha.. pero seryoso.. jussell gave me a massage nung retreat. sobrang sarap gusto ko nang mamatay nung panahon na yun!!

i miss being totally happy.. 

prettypauline

this entry is by a tipsy ass 

grabe todo overwhelmed ako ngayon.

banaag had an 8am-5pm workshop today (or shall i say "yesterday" na).. kaso lang by 8am ate kyla wasn't in school yet. i told myself i'd wait til 8:15 then i'll try to give her a ring if she's not in school pa rin. eh tangina!! pagtawag ko ng 8:15, ate ky just woke up! nadaganan daw nya yung phone nya then naka-beep once pa tapos namatay yung alarm. hehehe.

that being said, ate ky told me to give them na lang things to do. sabi nya lang to do warmup then the multiples of three. kaso lang in the middle of multiples of 3, i noticed that my clubmates were still sleepy so i let them do run and freeze para mabuhayan ng dugo. then we played multiples of 3 again, then wink murderer, then mafia. but i noticed that they were getting sleepy again (must be from sitting on the floor) so i let them play tag. after that, salamat at nakarating din si ate kyla sa school! i'm free (kasi hindi ako nagkaroon ng energy because i didn't do the running stuff because i was the one telling them what to do.)

we played hotspot (i lurrrrrve that forever!), then we did the "deathbed" exercise. i didn't cry in the deathbed exercise because i didn't have anything to say. i mean, i always tell people how i feel and i always make it a point that i'm in good terms with everyone. pero daming umiyak dahil hindi naman ako hayop pero may gantino ako..

prettypauline

you know the last line i typed in my previous entry was not intentional. maybe i was sleepy and tipsy rolled into one PMSing, emotionally sick, mentally sick, and physically sick ass so duh.

going back to the "deathbed" activity, nainis din ako at some point that i wasn't able to cry much. hindi ko alam. baka in the previous days na tig-6 hours yung iyak ko, naubos na lahat ng luha ko.. and i don't cry much when it's real death being talked about. it doesn't sink in right away. i'm not sure, but i think i'm not afraid of death when it comes. i'm just frustrated that i might not be able to do things that i want to do if ever i'd die early. kaya siguro i don't want to delay things that i want to do. like, kung mag-aaral ako ngayon and do theater after a year or two, parang ayokong mangyari yun. kasi what if in 6 months mamatay ako? eh di i won't be able to do theater because hindi pa nakakalipas yung "a year or two"..

i just want to get things done as soon as possible. i want to do what i want to do TODAY and not tomorrow because i fear that somewhere between today and tomorrow, mamatay ako.

diba nga, sabi sa Rent, "i live each moment as my last" because there's "no day but today".. it doesn't always follow that "tomorrow is only a day away" so you could let things wait. ayoko ng ganun..

anyway, after deathbed, we had lunch na. sobrang excited na excited kami ni jussell and ate ky maglunch dahil macocold turkey na siguro kami kung walang labooms.. hahaha so we went to chiggy's.. dami ko na naman nakita!! i saw paulinians from all over and like, some mc people also. pero putang ina. who did i see outside starbucks? who did i see in chiggy's?? putang ina nalang eh! mukhang whoa, musta nalang ang buhay kong gago.. but all in all, we had fun. 1pm na nga ayaw pa namin umalis eh.. but we had to so we did. i haven't had such a comforting hour. tipong kwento lang ng kahit ano. as i said in my friendster profile, there's nothing like bonding sessions over alcohol with the best people to ever hit the planet..

ang galing ng life. gusto ko na we were all made with imperfections. it's amazing how there are people i look up to. then i get to know them more and see their flaws. those flaws, for me, are the things that make them even more beautiful. that just makes me happier and the world ends up being such a beautiful place. it's beautiful that we're all imperfect because we're given the chance to work on our imperfections and that's where we get wisdom. it's amazing. it's beautiful..

after lunch came the monologues. then in a twink, it was 5pm, and everything was over. i love workshops. i love how i'm brought close to home, or close to what i think is home. i like being in comfort zones. i like it when there's someone who helps me out in the journey i want to take. there's someone to help me out when there are certain things that i just could not handle. as a person, of course i want to be independent, but too much of one thing doesn't necessarily mean glory. too much independence teaches us to be dependent..

when the workshop finished, chic and i bonded in starbucks. she gave me tips on how to cope with the troubles of leading banaag. marami ngang challenges.. sobrang dami. sobrang exposed tuloy yung imperfections ko. challenge sakin ngayon para ma-conquer lahat yun. marami, mahirap, pero kakayanin. tapos she also gave me suggestions on what to do for the year. sabi nga sa oracle, "consider other opportunities" diba? siguro nga yung inisip namin nung panahon na yun, hindi pa ready to really come out. totoo nga.. kailangan pa ng other opportunities..

i really got enlightened these past 4 days. ang dami kong narealize na kailangan kong gawin. i learned that i am 17, but i should keep away from the thought that "there's still a whole life ahead of me." kasi dun ko matututunan na maging tamad.

yes, i'm rambling. i'm ranting, raving, and expounding on random thoughts. ang sarap..

i'm happy that banaag was happy with our workshop sessions. i saw that they learned a lot. we learned a lot. and all the stuff we learned aren't just used for performing on stage. they're also used for performing in REAL LIFE - in hopes of getting a standing ovation from the world when the time comes for you to end the story you're telling. we are actors. we are storytellers. but we don't get to live forever. our lives are the stories that we weave as we live each day. but like every story, there is an ending. at some point, we have to end our stories. and like every story, we have to start with a bang and end with a difference. 

prettypauline

i'm jealous..

i came from the playshop 2006 streetdance showcase today. i didn't feel good. i don't feel good. i feel so jealous and just plain messed up..

i saw some of the kids not giving their best. fine, perhaps 80% of those kids were just forced by their parents to go to the class or something. but it didn't feel good that some were'nt giving theur 100%.. after the show i heard a mom telling her daughter, "i know you could have done better than that" and the kid answered that she was shy to give her all..

why would certain people be shy to give their all? are they aware that there are some people who would want to give their all, given their chance to be on stage and perform for God, the audience, and for themselves? as a playshopper for 5 years, i have grown to love the stage and everything that happens on it. whenever i go on stage, i feel a certain rush. it's like i want to be on stage forever and just do what i love to do. those kids were blessed with a good theater for them to perform. but they didn't own the stage. they did not relish the moment they were given. i'll do everything just for me to be on stage, and stay on stage! i'm sorry i just got frustrated..

in our family, i'm the only one who's into musical theater. they're all into TV jobs like advertising, producing stuff and shit. but i'm not like that. i don't want to be like that. in 2001 i started going to trumpets for musical theatre classes with teacher tony and teacher vannie. we did "fables and parables" which is the ultimate starter for any student in a children's musical theatre class. i had fun, being with my friends and meeting new friends.

from then on, i have gone through 5 playshop classes (which meant limited time to go to the beach and other trips), which got more intense and more fun as the years went by.

now that i'm going to be a senior, now that i'm the banaag president, i just had no choice but to let go of the comfort zone that is playshop. it was really painful for me to make that sacrifice. before the playshop enrollment season started, my mom told me, "paano ba yan, banaag president ka na, tapos may trumpets ka pa!" and much as i want to think of going to playshop and acting all wonderwoman-y, i hesitantly replied, "ma, banaag lang po. wala munang playshop." i guess i was taken aback by what just came from my mouth. after 5 years, i would just let things go?

but well, i'm here now. what else can i do? this summer vacation is over. the playshop showcases are  coming to an end. it feels good that when i go watch shows, i see familiar faces, and i get to see people i haven't seen for a long time. it just feels bad when i think of the fact that i didn't get to share the same stage with them this time, sayang.

 next year, i'll be back!!

prettypauline

it sucks that people do not believe in me and in what i can do

but it sucks more that there are people who do not believe in themselves and in their capabilities.