a mind is very private..

happy new year, world!!

okay, so the first thing i learned this year was that "manigo" as in "manigong bagong taon" means "prosperous" heehee.. oo nga naman.. but where does the word come from? it's far from the american term, and the spanish term "prospero.." hehe.. pucha tama na..

last night was spent with family in filinvest 1.. since my uncle is gone and it's the 1st new year without him, my mom and tita grace decided to celebrate in his house to cheer up his folks.

hannah told me that the new year would've been perfect had tito lin been there with all of us.. but then i thought, if he were still alive, we wouldn't be celebrating the new year together.. hannah would be staying in a hotel, and we would be having our own celebration at home.. so i guess it's true.. as we watch people leave us, we're given the urge to stick together and meet more often..

anyway, the past year was a blast. i did things i didn't imagine i could do! there were ups, downs, whatever.

last january, i was in eastwood with my cousins from canada, had a few drinks, and got michael throwing up by 2am! then bea's birthday, my birthday..

february, i don't remember much.. just look things up in my archive.. heehee..

march, we bid the banaag blue farewell.. it was such a heartbreak moment to be left by people you love.. there was the banaag elections and i became an officer! heehee.. probably the most irresponsible in the set! haha!

april, i was down knowing that i was in a basic class in playshop, but it turned out okay cuz MTF was really a great set!! super impressive and focus! hehe.. the price of that though, was being unable to attend the banaag workshop.. my summer really got screwed!!

may, we did "mamma mia!" and i really felt good when the freaks ambushed me backstage! banaag rehearsed for their season opener, and i was the forever-front-of-house-every-season-opener because i was in playshop!

june, i started junior year.. i wasn't quite in the mood to go to school as playshop was hard to get over.. the MTF cast party was great!! nagpaka-pakipot ako sa swimming pool eh ako rin naman nang-basa ng sobra!! and then in banaag, we welcomed new members, at may mga nagquit din..

july, naalala ko lang yung surprise party ni teacher melanie.. touch ako when chris told me that i was the one who brought back the life nung na-down yung people.. turns out, hindi daw makakapunta c teacher mel!! tapos umiyak pa c steph c pero nung mga 7pm she came na.. kasi we had to break it to her na we prepared a party for her.. and may i just say, masarap tumira sa bahay ni steph tang!! hehehe..

august, tito lin passed away.. super down yung family namin since he's the life of every party! he's the one who gives everyone a really merry christmas.. and he helped give jobs to a lot of people.. ayun..

september, LIGAW!! i loved doing that play.. sobra! it was such a fun time being a bitch! heehee.. then songfest practices started.. sobrang laki ng grudge ko hanggang ngayon for those who treated practice like shit. they don't know how hard it is to juggle banaag and songfest!! to think i had shows pa then! oh! and i watched "footloose" in september.. great cast!! sobra!! go, freaks!

october, mas tumindi yung grudges ko about the songfest, because i've been given "the taming of the shrew" as my new project and it was hard leading the class with the songfest and having script editing and blocking eh iisang tao lang ako.. ayun.. i'm partly happy we didn't get in.. at least i got less work! tapos end of october, i was in a mall wearing a megara costume.. tapos my english teacher saw me pa! haha.. losing dignity little by little..

november, super focused sa banaag.. the rehearsals, the bonding sessions, lahat! we found out that MCGS is VERY business-driven na pati kami sinubukan nilang gulangan... so na-resked yung taming..

december, i got REALLLLLLLY infuriated sa taming rehearsals kasi mejo unreasonable na.. sarap mag-welga! akalain mong xmas party gusto gawin na rehearsal?! tapos extra down sa pagkawala ng 1 pair ko ng havaianas.. anyway, ayun.. xmas came.. masaya naman kahit kulang. and i realized that i don't want a lot anymore.. parang na-feel ko na that i have everything i want and need for now..  wala lang.. maturity level ay tumaas yehey!!

and now, as the first day of the new year ends, i thank the people who made my year great! i may not be able to name you all, but i think you already know that you've been such great people and i thank you so much for making me happy, aggravated, depressed, and all that.. thank you for changing me for good!

and now, i vow:

not to ingest a drop of alcohol the whole year

to lose weight 

to make people happy

to accept things that come my way, may they be good or not-so-good

and a lot of other stuff!!

Lord, thank you for 2005! hope 2006 will be another roller coaster!

*bow* 

grarr.. i feel so stupid.. i broke one resolution..

the cake i ate had alcohol without me knowing it! grrrr.. na-feel ko na lang bigla the heat and the taste of alcohol as it went down my throat..

GRARRRRRRR!! counted ba yun? i wasn't aware naman that the cake contained alcohol eh..

oh well.. life could be miserable because i permitted it to be miserable.. 

i really hate the fact that school's bothering me once again..

last wednesday i had such a crappy day cuz it's really hard to adjust to an environment i haven't experienced for around 2 weeks. til now, however, i can't sleep earlier than 12 midnight.. but i do wake up at around 5am still.. i hate it, really..

i cried during rehearsal last wednesday.. well, it was my first time to rehearse again after so many weeks, and i was growing tired and quite lazy to do the play.. when someone shouted out that we had to do act 1 scene 1, i threw a tantrum behind the curtain!! i was like, "AYAW!! AYOKO!! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS FUCKING THING ANYMORE!!" but then again, i'm doing this because i have to..

this play's turned into more of an obligation already, instead of something that needs to be done because of my passion for performing.. i'm sad that things aren't quite going my way..

after a day i got the hang of it rin. i was rehearsing with a smile on my face.. though after rehearsal, i was back in my tamad mood again..

sana i can do front-of-house na lang.. sinabi lang naman na everyone was required to audition eh.. if it weren't for that remark, i wouldn't have auditioned. i was well off being backstage or ushering in the audience.. hmmm... sana nga nag-band ako! bwahahahaha!!

hindi naman nagffade yung passion ko to perform eh.. maybe this is just an effect of having such long hours at rehearsal and the fact that we've been rehearsing since october.. 

eh basta.. what is this feeling, so sudden and new? 

intrams season ngayon!!

at 1st place ang green batch sa...... jackstones!! bwahaha!! but they're doing great sa basketball (isipin mo, natalo ang yellow ng green!! makatao ba yun? haha.. ok lang.. at least nanalo green!), volleyball, badminton, soccer.. wow pa-cool na!!

as we were having breakfast today at the caf (yes, the varsity batugan: kami ni janna sattar), with ange, jacy, janna c, joyce, drea, trixie, patty, limmie and others, i realized that i don't want to sit on the tall, white tables at the caf.... why?

my feet won't reach the floor!!

yes, people of the world, i am THAT small!! aie, the things you learn when you're such a bum..

anyway, whoosh.. kamusta naman ang pag-reblock ng buong play?! masaya pa ba? ano ha?

my gosh, these past few days have really tested my endurance.. ang parang talagang destiny's asking me if i would really want to pursue theatre or not.. well well well, mangyari na lahat, i won't stop performing..

pero straight plays aren't really for me.. i'm not saying na i'm a good singer, nor am i a good dancer.. i just enjoy more when there's music and lyrics and emotions and a good story to tell.. i guess there's just more heart when it's a musical.. straight plays are simply unacceptable for me..

sana matapos na yung taming.. sana lang talaga.. if that happens, i'll be the happiest person alive.. dahil ako na ata ang pinaka-tulirong tao sa balat ng lupa ngayon.. hindi ko na kayang papalit-palit ng blocks every rehearsal.. hindi nga ata rehearsal ang tawag dun eh kasi nga laging may change sa blocks.. so ano ang ippractice mo kung everytime, it's like the first time cuz everything you learned from the previous day would be erased..

magaling eh.. bigyan ng standing ovation..

idol ko si teacher chari.. lalo na yung quote nya na "o bilhan yan ng cake.. bigyan ng cast party dahil last show nya na 'to!"

ang sarap ipasa ng quote na yun sa ibang deserving..

matulog na lang tayo at maligaw sa panaginip.. 

sa tinagal-tagal ko sa mundo ngayon, kanina ko lang naisip na ang root word ng "kasalanan" ay "sala" hehe.. bow.

i bought bob ong's new book last night.. yung "stainless longganisa," at nasa kalahati na ko ngayon. masayang basahin. nabuhay ang pagiging tagalog ng pangyayari sa buhay ko..

anyway, i'm reaaaaaallly happy for jen!! heehee.. ipagmalaki ang freak!! she might be singing the national anthem at pacquiao's rematch thing next week! wala lang.. she was a personal choice daw of the aforementioned boxer.. heehee.. asteg.. cuz you know, freaks are very nice people.. lalo na kung may patch na daisy at violet sa denim jacket..

kakatapos lang ng intrams at family night.. anong napala ko? wala.. nung volleyball games, nakiki-huddle kme ni janna sa volleyball players.. pag sila ay nagsasama-samang maglagay ng kanilang mga kamay sa gitna ng bilog, sabay sigaw ng "gooooooooooooooooooooooooo green!" bigla na lang may player/s na mapapatingin kasi may ka-join sila sa circle.. bwehehe.. cool eh..

right now, we're rehearsing STILL for taming.. well well well, hindi sha actually rehearsal.. blocking lang. lagi naman eh.. walang rehearsal samin.. puro blocking lang.. dahil magaling ang aming national artist na nagbabago ng blocking sa bawat meeting. so wala kaming ma-practice dahil bago ang lahat..

hindi na naman ako pinayagan mag-attend ng BLOCKING (at hindi REHEARSAL) bukas.. hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako o matutuwa..

kung ang stress level ko sa taming ay makukumpara sa internet speed, 1mb being the lowest, 100mb being the highest, dun na ko sa 200mb.. kung baga, naka-DSL ako.. shit.. bwiset..

ayan mejo productive.. i'm helping aika with her book report on macbeth. natutuwa ako kasi hindi yun taming of the shrew..

imagine, ang daming nagawa ni shakespeare sa buhay ko..

1. merchant of venice - the nakakamatay shooting we did in georgia's house, then in lim's house, and in the speech room, to come up with a video wherein the cast reads from powerpoint slides c/o melags' laptop.. at walang nakaintindi ng story.. kahit isa..

2. hamlet - pinanood sa speech room at tinulugan ang movie. tapos may quiz pala..

3. romeo and juliet - pinabenta ang banaag ng met theatre guild ng 1000 tickets ng romeo and juliet.. nagprint ako ng 40 sign-up sheets, 1 for each section. nang mabalik sa akin ang na-fill up na sheets, i typed all the data in ms excel.. pero sa mga nag-sign na yun, wala pang 50% ang actual na bumili.. nung fair may booth daw ang met.. i brought all the RnJ paraphernalia.. tatlong araw akong naghanap, walang dumating.. hindi na-reach ang 1000 mark.. walang kwenta ang pagprint ko ng reservation forms. walang kwenta ang pagtype ko ng pangalan ng bawat isa na gusto daw manood.. mamumulubi ang may kasalanan.. at hindi banaag yun..

4. the taming of the shrew - banaag is working on the play, which was supposed to show on nov 21-26 of the past year.. eh magaling ang lahat.. tapos ngayon hindi pa namin alam kung kelan ba talaga ang shows. at namamatay na kami sa kaka-bago ng blocking. at magaling na magaling ang gumagawa ng show.. di nga.. haha.. hindi nga..

wala lang.. feeling ko, ilang beses na kong ginago dahil sa mga play ni shakespeare.. ang sakit kaya.. ang sakit na parang walang napuntahan lahat ng pagod ko.. i tried being at my best pero walang nangyari.. lalo na dun sa last 2 items i mentioned.. parang, putang ina naman.. matapos kong magpakatanga kakagawa ng ad layouts, fliers, reservation forms at encoded version nun, pabago-bagong blocking, pagrehearse til 7pm araw-araw, at umiyak ng maraming gabi, i feel na hindi ako nag-grow as a person..

shit. bakit ganun?

sana nga, sa ngayon ako na lang ang bilihan ng cake at bigyan ng cast party.. kelan na ba last show ko? i can't wait!

i went home happy tonight..

must be the absence of national artists..

YES!!

wala lang.. naisip ko lang na first time ko yatang umuwi ng masaya since rehearsals.. well, shempre minsan umuuwi din ng masaya, but not to the point na nakangiti ako pag-uwi at mukhang nakasalubong ng isang daang sam milby pauwi..

sana sa birthday ko, hindi ako makakita ng hindi kaaya-aya.. lalo na at saturday yun and i think it's going to be a long day as we'll have 4 shows! sana walang sumipot na sisira sa araw ko.. minsan lang mag-birthday ang tao.. kaya kung makita ko pa siya (or worse, SILA), patayan na lang.. oo, papatayin ko na.. nang matahimik ang mundo at mababawasan ang mga taong nagagalit at umiiyak..

nag-acquire ako ng music sheet ng "for good" today.. during music class i saw copies at the teacher's table and i asked ms roman if i could have a copy.. buti she said yes!! haha.. i made kasi a tape (surprisingly, buhay pa ang mga casette tape) na may "for good" tapos yung isang side, plus one.. yung isa, minus one.. grad song pala yun ng pink batch.. kaso they're sticking to the piece yata.. they're singing it differently..

wala lang.. ang konti ng nangyayari sa buhay ko.. gising, pasok, "aral", show, uwi, tulog.. wala na namang direskyon..

natuwa ako sa banaag today.. ang saya cuz may representative lahat ng batch na nakasama ng pink.. may great green, yellow and blue! cool eh.. tapos ang saya kausap..

mahal ko naman talaga banaag eh.. may mga factors lang minsan na nakakapang-fuck talaga.... **national artists** *squirm* pero as a group who stood on its own today, masaya ako..

banaag once again stood on its own today.. we had 2 shows without any hindrances.. ang saya! sobrang fulfillment na makita yung audience with smiles on their faces. to us actors, their reactions are sweet, sweet music..

i felt very very comfortable on stage today. i dunno why i felt such, but it was really a nice feeling, that even if i was in character, i felt a sense of liberty to do whatever i wanted to do onstage.. but don't get me wrong - i didn't actually drift from my character.

even janna was very alive during today's show. i saw in her that she really enjoyed what she was doing. chka c anay.. heehee.. basta, everyone was really enjoying the whole thing! i felt good.. siguro talagang mas maganda yung outcome ng shows kapag walang presence na nagbibigay ng negative energy.. kapag walang "national artist" na sumisigaw sa kawalan..

tsss.. national artist... national artist for paperclip design?

plus nandun si lebs, mia, gaye, aya and pam!! i missed them a lot.. ang saya!!

sana maulit muli.. sana laging masaya ang banaag.. as in with the inner happiness tapos umuuwi kami ng naka-smile..

anyway, wow inabot ako ng 12.. salamat sa mga nag-greet na.. classmates, mama ana fe, mama, tito, ate phoebe, tita kaye, mommy ceny, peng, teacher melanie.. thank you!!

okay, so the last thing i did when i was 16 was to blog.. and now i'm 17, continuing that blog entry..

but i'm off to bed now..  may shows pa tomorrow! night!!

we don't have a show today!! i'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. well, maybe it is!

anyway, i'm in school and it's guidance period meaning i don't have anything sensible to do. my ipod cable's at home and my guidance stuff are in the ipod, so i don't want to bother making stuff all over again..

ooooh!! ooh!! retreat ni chic starting today until thursday!! meaning we're not gonna be in the show tomorrow.. friday na lang! aww, my perfect's not around! miss herrrrr! and will make palanca soon, arytie?! ndi kasi nagsasabi eh.

i'm happy the world's at peace now.. rather, MY world's at peace SOMEHOW.. haha.. biglang naging so-so pa rin yung meaning ng sinabi ko tungkol sa buhay ko ngayon.. wala lang..

i don't feel right today.. may it be due to the fact that we're not having a show today, or that banaag is like super konti lang today.. the yellow batch has a field trip and our president's retreating.. awwww this is crap!

darn. had i figured out that i have nothing to do right now, i should have brought my english homework and did it here.. tsssss.... grarr!!

sorry for the incoherence.. bleh! you can't do anything pala! this is my fucking blog!!

i decided na that i won't playshop this summer.. final na yun.. i don't think it's practical to be in two workshops at once, on different days pa.. hay. i don't feel right about it though.. i mean, after 5 years of being in shang, biglang there'd be a summer na walang trip to shang.. and no music museum, neither will there be onstage, and the cinemas.. pero maybe i'll go back next year. hindi naman lahat puede ma-acommodate eh..

oops! lapit na magbell!! ho nooooo!! later ulet.. shit nakakaiyak!!

today i did another outrageous thing.. look see!!

me: sir, my materials are complete!

english teacher: good for you!

me: but sir, i'm not complete.. i don't have you!

hehehe.. sir antiquera just gave me a puzzled look and went "pauline! what on earth are those pickup lines?" or something which meant the same..

ang saya!! maybe i have indeed become the queen of dares.. well, not the dares like walking on wires or something.. more of dares like using pickup lines, approaching people i don't know and telling them that the fountain near the principal's office is for teachers only and that she must use the new zen fountain, wearing a costume in a mall, playing dance dance revolution in powerplant of all places, asking sam and uma to the prom, and i don't know what else would follow..

point being, my confidence is way beyond limits! at times its fun, sometimes it's not.. i'd always be asked to text or talk to people i don't know and do business stuff with them.. good side of it, though, is that i don't anymore fear speaking in front of people.. yun lang, over talaga.. nakakagago akong tao...

anyway, shit drug test kanina.. aie, ndi pala shit yung ginagamit dun.. eh whaddup ginamit ko na lang yung social studies period para sa drug test.. basta labas na lang.. wala nang patawad.. iba na kapag may nagccrowd sa teachers table at nag-aask ng breakdown ng grades.. hehe.. umalis na lang ako ng walang paalam.. ayan naman..

oh my gosh kulang na lang tumalon ako sa bintana... nakakatamaaaaaaaad gumawa ng hw!! then again, there's nothing like hw if it's like, whoosh!! hehehe.. ah basta..

mabuhay ang mga masayang bata.. 

it's bushy's birthday today, so i also brought cottonball to school so bushy could have a playmate.. heehee.. lots of people greeted bushy!! i'm such a proud mother.. problema lang, where's the father of bushy? hahaha... secret na lang!

anyway, i'm really starting to get aggravated with my english grades, specifically the ones involving opinion.. i've been getting either -1 or -0.5 in them!! and where's the mistake? some grammar confusion!! hindi nya na-gets na i was pertaining to the marginalized SECTOR in general.. ang society naman naturally falls under 2 classifications diba? the rich and the poor.. point being, the marginalized sector means the poor, therefore not having such a thing as marginalized SECTORS!! and that misunderstanding cost me a 0.5! kelan ba?! kelan makaka-perfect!? ayan naman..

chic will discuss the next project with me during our break tomorrow..  we have shows again.. my cast is performing at 9am and at 1:30pm.. wala lang.. sounds fun!

i'm making the cd's for teacher k.o. na! heehee.. need it by next week na kasi eh.. and i'm making another set.. secret na lang muna!

i shall go do business..  

bwahaha.. shit nakaka-lss.. 

i had 2 shows today.. grabe ayoko na.. i'm soooo sick of this!! sa 2d show ko, i laughed majorly hard and dropped character!! gago kasi si janna eh!! ayan tuloy..

after our first show, chic, abby and i went to katipunan to print the receipt for met.. then ate.. nagago pa c abby twice! omg scary..

abby's parents were there during the first show, and reg's family was there during the second show.. so the whole time we were thinking of not going through with the play as it's kind of bastos.. i mean, hello, it's shakespeare and you expect it to be wholesome? saang bato mo planong magtago? eh grabehan pa naman yung act two!! so omg.. whoa..

after banaag, chic, mica, maya, pam and i went to mcdo.. niña was there pa.. miss you!! yeboi! eh mcdo was full so maya chic and i went to starbucks.. on the way there i saw lesley!! miss her alsoooooo! heehee..

went back to the mcdo area cuz ate phoebe picked me up.. we went to shang.. i bought havs.. then we crossed to mega, i bought "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time" and SMARTWRAPS!! yehey!! finally may sense na ang remote control ko for dolly 3..

none of it seems to matter anymooooooooore.. hehe wala lang.. that's what i heard in itunes..

chic and i tried to start discussing our new project which shall live for only a short time.. masaya naman.. heehee..

............and whyyyyy did i tell you this, a stranger i just met.. a woman whom i hardly know at all and will forget! ...heheh mga naririnig tlga..

i'm not sure of what is to come in the next couple of days.. nakakatamad gumalaw. nakakainis pa that i'm going to school on monday and tuesday eh dapat we won't have classes.. roarrrrrrr... tapos omg ooti is showing this coming weekend.. so is seussical!!decisions, decisions..

wala lang.. mga trip sa buhay.. 

hehe.. the green batch is suffering from EPIS.. English Paper Insanity Syndrome.. woorihoo...

eh putang ina.. nakakatamad gumawa ng notecards at ng rps4... buti na lang i finished it last night and did not cram tonight.. it gives me the feeling though that i did such a mediocre job.. and mediocrity is such a fucking enemy..

i'm in the middle of taking my pic for our english thing.. bwehehe.. napag-isipan lang namin ni mela.. yehey i finally have a pic!! actually, avatar ko sha sa ym ngayon.. my current face due to the research paper.. eklabooms!!

oi! nakita ko si lebs at kriska kanina!! nakakamiss shit!! tapos sa school we watched tau-tauhan (cast ko mehn! nakakahiya!!) and serapio, then ligaw..

then mcdo with the pink batch and the banaag officers and jussell.. tapos starbucks with new friend erica, dartz, jus and perfect.. chic and i talked about our new project, as well as plans for the coming year.. pucha nakakaiyak.. whooh!!

and these fucking retainers are eating me alive!! sakit mehn!! it's such an insult to put on retainers when i used to have perfect teeth!! shit..

woorihoo.. may fil quiz pa bukas.. at ang 3-5 ay ine-EPIS!!