a mind is very private..

i feel bad.. something happened today that made me feel bad. nakakainis.. what will i use to walk now?

i'm sleepy.. tama si joni at si jussell.. "kay sarap matulog at maligaw sa panaginip.."

totoo naman eh.. ang sarap maligaw sa panaginip. yung mga panahon na kung saan-saan ka mapupunta, at kung anu-ano ang gagawin.. tapos paggising mo, pag nakabalik na yung kaluluwa mo sa katawan mo, mararamdaman mo kung gaano kasaya matulog.. aakalain mo pang lahat ng nangyari sayo ay totoo.. na parang natupad lahat ng pangarap mo..

kaso lang, gising ka na.. mapapansin mo na wala palang nangyari. nandun ka lang sa kama mo, tapos tumunog na yung alarm ng cell phone. maglalakad ka ng kaunti, at mararamdaman ang init ng tubig na tamang-tama sa malamig na panahon. lalabas ng banyo na masaya dahil sa init na naramdaman sa loob. tapos magbibihis ka na.. at, sa kasamaang palad, aalis na ng bahay upang tumungo sa paaralan.

tapos mga walong oras o higit pa ang aaksayahin sa paaralan upang masaktan lang ang brain cells na hirap maglabas ng katas.

shit. nakakatamad pala mag-aral. sana pasko na...

naramdaman ko na kanina.. yung lamig ng hangin, na nais kang ibalik sa malambot mong kama upang umidlip kahit sandali. ang saya! kaso lang, may pasok pa. tapos sa susunod na linggo pa ang exams.

WAAAAAH!! inaantok na ko! 

i hate this!

i still have romeo tickets with me.. well actually most of us have tickets pa rin.. but deadline's next week na! iniisip kasi ng students, malayo pa yung play so they don't know what might appear on their skeds kapag january 27 or 28 na..

anyways, exams na next week! hanggang dec14 na lang kami! tapos ags hanggang 21 pa! bwahahaha.. so sana i can make it to the banaag xmas party.. madali na lang cguro mag-paalam!

so to those who don't know yet what to give me for christmas, here's something to cheer you up! haha. i want:

1. booming ticket sales sa romeo and juliet (that will REALLY make me happy! php350 lang! jan 27 or 28, 8pm sa AFP theatre!)
2. "wicked" musical score.. yung may vocal arrangement! (kahit hindi ako marunong mag-piano.. so i have material and i can prepare for the "wicked" auditions kahit mga 20 years from now pa cguro yun).. ito SOBRANG wish ko
   
3. interactive care bears doll/s (i want share bear.. yung purple!)
4. pink overload (anything pink and cute and hot!)
5. havaianas (the purple one with flowers, or yung style na purple and orchid)
6. bratz doll/s
7. havaianas (top na powder blue yung color. like hannah's)
8. DANCE PAD!! nawawala kasi yung dati ko eh.. P400 na lang yun ngayon! pero sana gumagana pa
   
9. autograph ni idina menzel and/or lachanze
   
10. trip to the gershwin theatre to see "wicked" kahit hindi na orig cast
11. maging matagal before i move to canada
12. a prom date (na marunong kumanta at magpiano, cute, matalino, gentleman, mas matangkad sakin.. oo gift yan!)
13. brand new car (kahit anong matino at hindi kakarag-karag.. pero mas okay kung z3.. mura na lang yan ah!)
14. sisterhood of the travelling pants (yung set!)
15. princess diaries 4-6, at lahat ng princess diaries books aside from books 1-3
16. auditioning for the musical theatre (book by fred silver)
17. world peace (aka maging beauty queen, yek panget!)
18. overflowing chic books
19. original cast recordings of Company, Snoopy the musical, Pippin (i super want this! the whole thing!), Honk!, Bye Bye Birdie, Boy from Oz, Chess, Chorus Line, They're Playing Our Song, Godspell, Into the Woods, Jekyll and Hyde, Little Shop of Horrors, Fame, Once Upon a Matress, Seussical, Songs for a New World, Song and Dance, Tick Tick BOOM!, Urinetown, You're a Good Man Charlie Brown..
20. violin lessons, and piano also!!
21. head gear (those nice costume pieces i can use for halloween! i'll wear them to malls!)
22. nice grades on my report card
23. love.. cuz it makes the world go round
24. a fixed voice
25. for everyone to be happy this christmas
    

yey!! someone who can give me any of those (well, especially the theatre-related ones) will be greatly appreciated and loved forever!

merry christmas, world! 

whoosh! chem and filipino tomorrow! i feel like i'm dying!

i haven't even studied! like, wow whatta life!!

i went to the dentist today.. this sucks.. i have to have retainers daw.. my fucking record is broken!! dati super perfect nito eh! pssh ho well..

i'm not exactly sure if things are going well for me.. i went to rustans kanina to look at havaianas and attempt to purchase a pair, but the one i'm looking for ain't there!! grarr..

and off i go to studyland. grrrrr.. i hate this! i wish the exams are over and done with so i can go to simbang gabi already and feel the christmas air!! i haven't even looked at what my mom bought for me to give out to friends. i want to rid from the "generic gift" thing, but i can't cuz i didn't have time to shop this year.

i feel so confused. i'm not certain about how i am right now.

heaven help me! 

ayoko naman tlga ng CHEM eh.. nagsimula yan a few years back, nung nandun pa ko sa kabilang dako ng mundo.. kaya pagkakita ko ng chem exam kanina, shit.. wala lang.. ang fuck.. eh ang dami na lang namin na umiyak afterwards! wow!

nawala pa yung blog entry ko kanina.. mejo profound pa naman sha.. kaso lang, nawalan ng electricity.. kaya natulog na lang ako.

english and social studies exams tomorrow.. after that, i shall go shopping for xmas stuff.. sa mga nabunot ko nung kris kringle ng 3-5 and banaag. then bili si ate ng flash disk.. ewan ko kung i'll buy also.. hmmm..

our maids escaped today.. both my yayas are gone.. wow.. so my dear old family spent the day cleaning the house. it wasn't such an easy job! grabe, pagdating ko sa house, my sister opened the gate for me, my mom was on the phone, my tito was getting ready to go out. shit walang maids! so we had to do all the chores.. mejo nakaka-bad trip.. but on the lighter side of life, we were given an impromptu training session to prepare ourselves for life when we move out of manila and into edmonton. ganun pala yun.. washing dishes lang ginawa ko ah!! pero hirap na hirap ako.. i asked my yaya before to teach me to wash dishes and so she did.. but i guess i've forgotten everything! nagdudulas yung kamay ko! argh. so to have the sitch fixed, we're down to eating on paper plates, using plastic spoons and forks, and drinking off plastic cups. and tito bought a box of c2 so we'll drink off bottles instead! magic!

i was texting grandmama rigor a while ago to ask when their last day is. friday daw sila.. woopeedoo wednesday na kami! wahaha.. wala lang.. nangiinggit!! oh, and her class this year won 1st place in their dramafest. baka may blessing ko.. kidding!! sabi ko rin gusto ko magjudge ng dramafest next year.. wala lang.. to experience being introduced, then to see plays again.. i mean, to see straight one-acts for around 8 times and have it done in just one day. pero shempre joke lang yun.. pero she's gonna tell daw.. bwahaha.. good luck na lang!

theatre na rin lang ang usapan, i remembered chem exam again! since we were left crying, we talked about the test and we were like, "oh no! what's my school going to be in college?!" sabi ko mag-aauds na lang ako for UP theatre.. tapos si janna and celine daw, sa UP college of music.. si sarah naman, magbbasketball sa ateneo or up.. pero kung ndi pa rin, i guess we'll be found in universities no one's ever heard of! shit grabe. i hate this. so may D na ko sa card? shit.

ang hirap naman ata mag-celebrate ng christmas kung iniisip ko ang chem exam! grar. 

the english exam was quite cute! i liked the story thing.. the whole time i was imagining a "once on this island" narrator telling me the story! it's so nice!

i want an A... i want an A... i want an A... sir, i'm so sick of getting a crappy B.. hate this! haha.. kahit yun na lang xmas gift ko! i don't like a B in english.. kaya nga credited ng english area yung pareho na alternative class ko eh.. i want to make something of my life!

i want to HK disney this xmas.. come on! come on!

and i can't wait for april to come. by then i'll be going to canada, pero just a visit. nahihiya naman ako to migrate there. i have to sing pa their national anthem! hmmm.. in a couple of years.. hay.

ayoko pala umalis ng pilipinas.. pero parang okay lang din. but more of ayoko..

wala lang. nakakatamad na mag-aral for geom. i love geom, but i love english more.

i want to buy a new dance pad for dear old ps2.. or maybe i want a ps3.. to hell with consoles. my brother's the one trying to own my ps2 grarrr.. that's why when i get another dance pad (maybe this week) i'll play non-stop!

i want to open tamagotchi na!! i want i want i want!! i got the big one though.. cuz i might not see the small one.. mawala ko pa.. grrr..

i don't have gift tags yet for this xmas.. will i repeat last year's pic? hmmm..

this is such a boring day. 

so first few hours of christmas break, i went shopping in toy kingdom.. heehee.. i love toys pa rin even if i'm this disfigured bitch already. at occasional na lang yung tanong na "what grade are you?" eh si ate nga napapagkamalang grade school pa hanggang ngayon..

putang ina yung experience ko sa toy kingdom! nakakahiya! i was listening to my ipod tapos since mejo malakas yung music ng toy kingdom, i put my ipod to full blast.. eh yung next song was "one small girl" from OOTI. tapos yung start nun may thunder diba? shit nung nag-thunder, napatingin ako sa taas!! akala ko may thunder!! eh tanga naman i was inside a building na sobrang thick nung walls and all.. hehe.. wala lang.. nawalan na naman ako ng dangal!

ooooh! and i bought books.. "between dinner and the morning after" which i first borrowed from jow but didn't get to read due to schoolwork.. and "malictionary" which is a book on the common errors of filipinos, as well as the terms that were invented by dear fellowmen! pretty much like "colgate" being used instead of toothpaste.. i think that's where sir antiquera got his module for "flips and flops" heehee..

the banaag christmas party is on at 6pm today, over at maya's home. oh joy! i miss seeing banaag.. we lack quality time.

and i might bring a costume i like making a fool out of myself most of the time. though ngayon sa isang bahay lang.. nothing compares to my greenhills halloween escapade. haha..

anyway, i shall go to the dear old shower! byee!!

so they do come in the simplest of things.

the banaag christmas party was held at maya's house today.. it was in dear antipolo, which ain't far from civilization after all!! que fun!

tapos naka-ride na ulet ako ng scooter!! as in the one i used to ride back in grade 2 days!! ang saya sobra!! i still know how!! pinagtawanan pa nga nila ko nung una cuz they didn't know na marunong ako.. tapos oh well!! nagulat na lang sila! bwahaha i'm so great!

c chia nakabunot sakin!! wehehe.. thanks sa gift! tapos c jow nabunot ko!! i love this!! alam ko na agad kung anu ibibigay!!

the party was far from fancy. we just ate, may mga nag-magic sing.. habang kami nila maya, den, cheskie, regine, etc., naglaro ng small lights ni maya galing divi.. astig sobra! and to everyone who entered, pinakita namin yung hidden disco sa room ni maya.. heehee.. hanggang sa nagsasawa na kme at binibilisan na lang yung sharing of hidden talents namin.. to the tune of do re mi which the freshmen kept playing on the piano!! then we watched the exorcism of emily rose.. pero i didn't get to finish it.. tapos yun.. i went home na..

tonight made me feel truly happy. totoo naman eh.. the best people to celebrate christmas with is your family.. and by meaning of family, it doesn't always concern your biological parents and siblings. it's just the people who are always there to work with you, have fun with you, and basically share the best and the worst moments of your life. the banaag family, composed of 34 people, fits right into that description, if not greater.

we're not just actors who please a given audience. beneath every drop of sweat lies our personal pressure to make one another happy. naisip ko lang kanina while i was hella stressed asking everyone to bring their assigned stuff, sila din nappressure kasi gusto nila masaya lahat. it only means na we want each one of us to be happy that's why we were doing the things we're told to do.

kaya mamaya sa simbang gabi, i'll reflect.. a lot! kasi sobrang laking blessing nila.. kahit mukha akong gago kanina while narrating my "toy kingdom moment," ang dami kong iniisip!! hehe..

at pucha!! dartz passed on to me the contact # of the retreat master.. mejo emotional noh kasi how about!! hindi nya pa daw inisip na gagawin nya na yun.. parang we're preparing them to leave little by little..

i find it weird that we spend every day preparing for the coming day. like ngayon, i'm preparing myself for simbang gabi, which is a preparation for christmas, which is a preparation for the coming year. at may new year's resolution tayo to prepare ourselves for something din. kunyari, sa new year magpapapayat ako para sa prom (example lang ah!).. tapos the prom is an end to junior year, as well as a preparation for senior year..

kaya tama yung sinabi nung teacher ni ate.. every single day, we prepare ourselves for our death. 

wala na. lumilipad na naman utak ko.

good night na nga! 

hindi pinoy big brother ah.. it's "puto bungbong!" one of the many things i love about christmas, particularly when simbang gabi days arrive..

i was so weird a while ago.. it was 3:00am and my sister woke me up so that we could go to mass. when i woke up, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! i was like "o anung gagawin ko ngayon kung gising na ko and gusto ko mag-mass?" parang, duh, siguro i'll fix up and get dressed? ewan ko lang ah! haha..

we were a little late for the mass, well given na yun since mejo lost nga ako kanina nung umaga.. GRABE!! THE CHURCH WAS SOOOOOO FULL!! nakakainis pa, kitang-kita mo kung sino yung talagang nagsisimba.. though yung iba mejo hindi ko gets. they keep trying to get inside the church eh kita na nga nila na may mga tao na nga sa labas and even sa labas it's majorly crowded.. musta na lang!! ang dami pang naririnig na nag-eexcuse me para lang they can get in, then they'll feel hot and squeeze their way out. stress!!

pero okay lang, plus side nun, i guess some people do intend to complete simbang gabi and actually listen to the priest and everything.

but some are just.. well, irritating.. super loud voices na yung mga sinasabi eh wala naman relevance sa mass or sa religion.. wala lang..

puto bungbong was good though!! and i have 8 more masses to look forward to it.. oh calories.. maybe i'll skip some nights!

i've been l.s.s-ed with "new years day" from sideshow since last night.. come new year, i think the freaks would be singing it full blast again!!

i love xmas break.. 

pssh.. kala nya may na-establish na shang pangalan? don't worry.. ngayon pa lang, sinisira ko na yung pangalan mo. sinisira kita. subukan mong umakyat.. maraming magbababa sayo!!

ano ha. babaguhin mo lahat?! eshus me.. tapos na dapat lahat! eh wala eh.. pssh.. feeler! kung ndi dahil sayo at sa lahat ng pinaggagawa mo, sana natuloy pa lahat ng plano ko!! ng plano namin.. WITHOUT YOU!! ass..

grabe naiinis ako. basta, the next time we meet and you fucking scream at the top of your lungs, i won't hesitate to do the same to get you out of my fucking life!

nagpapaka-national artist ka ngayon.. baket, ano ba narating mo? ano pa ba ang mararating mo?

basura.. at yun lang ang ipapakain ko sayo..

at matapos kong magsipag sa pagtype ng lahat ng kailangan na documents, wala eh.. mangloloko lang sila..

siguro nga we're okay without help.. better off that way than having someone volunteer to help, then after keeping our hopes up, mawawala na lang bigla.. may nalalaman pa kayong "tell us what you need"

i'd rather tell you what i DON'T need.. I FUCKING DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! 

grarrr.. magbbackfire din lahat sa inyo! 

i woke up at 3am to attend simbang gabi, and we were there early so yehey!! after that, we ate puto bungbong at home, then watched a movie.. we weren't able to finish the movie since we're headed to divisoria! haha shopping galore!!

we took the car so we reached the place at around 9.. shit it was packed with people!! akala ko mamamatay na ko!! shit grabe, sobrang mound!! i wasn't able to take it.. lahat na ng tao binabangga ko.. omg.. it was really tiring and shit. pero okay lang.. i bought a lot of stuff din.. pero may leftover money pa ko.. dami pa yehey!

we had dinner, then my aunt told us to go to her kitaro! haha so my sister and i went home, freshened up, and left again. after a few minutes, sam milby went there to wait for some housemates!! haha.. eh he was alone, so tito manny asked him to join us for dinner..  so we talked and ate and stuff.. and of course, had a photo session!! grabe! 2 whole hours of talking yun!! we talked a lot!! tapos sobrang iba-ibang topics pa!! i must say, he's really nice.. sobrang kulet! haha. basta he's super fun to be with.. kahit walang vocal training okay na! wala rin naman ako eh.. bwahaha..

*pics are in http://prettypauline.multiply.com* my first pic with sam was a bit blurry pero mejo okay na.. pero when he looked at it he said he wanted another one.. shempre walang problema sakin yun! bwahahaha.. then he was so amazed with ate phoebe's flip phone.. haha.. he kept on pressing the button for the phone to flip!

then after a whlie, uma arrived.. and the rest, will be aired on tuesday night, around 10pm, at abscbn.. haha..

it was fun! i love japanese food.. kahit araw-araw pa.. pero i think i want to take a break from the kawa. mga 1 week lang.. bwehehehehe.. 

i had fun, really!! it was nice seeing hannah and her friend michelle.. then ayun, all those people i spent my day with.. super!!

it's around an hour before i wake up again to attend misa de gallo.. i won't sleep na!!

bye, world! later!! 

yipee i completed the simbang gabi! haha.. after nine mornings of waking up at 3am and having my sleeping pattern go wacko, okay lang!!

anyway, it'll be christmas in a few hours!!

sana makita na kitang muli..

 hehehe.. shit i miss you.. hindi ako makakita ng kapalit mo.. kahit anong hanap ko, wala talaga eh..hay..

bumalik ka na, okay? 

in other news, i didn't really ask for something this year.. parang hirap pa ko na magbigay ng wish list sa mom ko.. wow i'm growing old and gray.. haha..

wala lang. i'm not exactly sad. i'm just... bangag! nothing's changed! 

i know so well that i am an underachiever.. i am able to do hard work but i hardly get to do it.. i'm o.c. but super tamad to act in times of disorder. i don't think i work well. it feels like fuck that i'm an intelligent person (based on my innate iq na "superior" daw yung rank ko) and yet i'm not doing well in school.

i hate the feeling that i'm working hard, but my efforts do not pay off.. tapos yung long-term effects pa of getting low grades such as not being able to get to a good university.. shit eh.. hindi ko alam if i'm not pushing myself hard enough..

tapos nakakastress pa yung keyboard na toh.. it's fucking sira..

and i don't think i can sell all my romeo tickets.. bakit kaya?! tingin nyo?!

i'm still not done sticking the new show dates on the taming tickets.. nasa 400 pa lang ako.. i still have 300 tickets to fix!! shit..

this is not such a productive xmas break.. and yeah, i prefer resuming with rehearsals when classes resume.. it's already thursday and we only have six days to laze around. come january 4 we'd be back on our toes! how could we have rehearsal during xmas break eh it's such a busy "break!" like parties and lots of family affairs are not yet done!! tapos magsisingit ng rehearsal?

shit i'm ranting a lot..

sige sige.. i'll post a year-end entry to make up for this.. hopefully i'd come up with something positive.. 

it's a minute to go before 4am and i'm printing two more sheets of 91 labels each to finish up the taming ticket relabeling project for this christmas break..

i got myself thinking, i've been saying "maligayang pasko at manigong bagong taon" but i don't know what "manigo" means.. wala lang.. i mean, anu yung direct translation nya? does it really mean "happy?" eh hindi ko naman sinasabi araw-araw na "hoy manigo ako ngayon!" or when someone's birthday comes, do we say "manigong kaarawan!"?!

wala lang.. wag nyo pansinin.. feeling linguist lang ako ngayon.. i had my dose of "malictionary" by ernie zarate.. great book! sobra!

buti na lang i was at podium kanina.. my mom got me the princess diaries books 4 and 5, but she didn't get me book 4 and a half.. so i bought it kanina heehee.. i want to splurge on books but the vacation is over in a few days.. shit. i'll be hitting textbooks again.. shit.. i don't like those.. like most people, i focus on the trivial side of the world..

naiinis pa rin ako. i think OOTI doesn't want to present itself to me. it's showing on my birthday!! eh fair ng st paul on my birthday and i want to celebrate my birthday sa fair nila.. but i also want to watch "once on this island" kasi i've been wanting to watch it since the 1st set of runs ng AAI this year..pssh.. life's messed up..

wala lang.. yun lang.. the stickers are done printing.. i guess i have to go back to work!!