a mind is very private..

i trick-or-treated in 3 villages. pero konti lang talaga.. i mean, we only got 1 big bag (about the size of my barbie backpack) full.. times have changed na talaga..

i mean, when i was a kid, we'd combine all the treats we got and we'd fill up a whole bag to last us till the following year! well, mga 5 years old lang naman ako nun, but still! people nowadays have been obviously hit by the country's crisis. we're not anymore as generous as we used to be because hey, money's not that easy to get anymore. plus look at how expensive everything is! this is sick!

samantalang sa canada, we'd have maybe thrice the amount of what we have now. when my sister went trick or treating there last year, yum all the stuff.. tootsie rolls!! kit-kats!! dots!! charms!! get the pic?!

wala lang.. shocking how we're deteriorating.. or siguro the population's grown that much and people are preparing the same amount of stuff and giving them out to more people thus giving less to each person as compared to the previous years..

tama ito.. ipasok ang economics sa trick or treat.

pero masaya pa rin yung greenhills experience..  yes, kami ng kapatid ko at ng pinsan ko yung tatlong itlog na nag-ikot sa promenade nung saturday, oct 29, 2005, in full-blast costume and make-up.. cool eh!

tapos wow we were able to survive 2 cemeteries yesterday and today!! yesterday was our trip to loyola.. it was muddy eew.. and things were hella different.. then today we were at himlayang pilipino.. puro chinese yung nakalibing, pero himlayang PILIPINO sha. ironic, pero masaya.. ang cool ng calligraphy dun sa mga tombstone! chka ang bango ng incense! i want to learn! /ch/ yey!

pero madali lang isurvive yung trip today kasi aircon yung place chka yung food was perpetually there. buhay baboy yet again! nagexpand na naman yata ako.. ho no! and it's fun to play with candles. pero shempre nagdasal din naman kami at na-senti kasi it's been only a few months since tito lin went to heaven.

but the new place is quite nice. baka in a couple of years, dun na kami lagi kasi ipapalipat na yung mga nasa loyola..

i feel so old already. dami ko nang pamangkin shusme! tapos malapit na ko magdebut! well, ndi naman mashado.. ah basta, i feel old..

pero nagttrick or treat pa rin. yehey!

the break is over. my life is over.

tomorrow i shall quiz on "of mice and men" along with some stuff in chem and social studies.. after which, i shall submit the sponsorship letter and the ad layout which will be put on the playbill by the pub committee.. pubcom is my com. meaning i shall be part of the people who will make the playbill. then i shall rehearse my stuff until 7pm and stay in school until 7pm everyday.

this is such a pain, but i'm happy anyways. at least i get to do theatre.. and i shall audition for "wicked" when it comes to manila. being a passer-by will do for me.

i ym-ed with patrick today.. then texted with teruel.. then ym-ed with aika.. i love you all.. this is shit all of you won't be going to school yet tomorrow..

ho well.. i hated this so-called break and loved it at the same time. pano ba naman, i've been sick since the start of the break. now i feel a tad bit better but there's still the sniffles! grar! meaning my voice is still broken and it shouldn't be!! and i wasn't able to do much of the work needed for school because there was no time since we're busy going to cemeteries, and i was offered to have streetdance lessons for free.. and now i'm suffering cuz i have to read "of mice and men" grarr.. and  those stuff that we will quiz tomorrow.. pucha nakakatamad.. plus memorize my lines.. wow.

i want to make something of my life. yeak as if hindi pa enough ang school at ang banaag para kainin yung oras ko!

i love my life sometimes. parang masaya.. woorihoo!! 

i guess over the past months i have been quite excited about TOTS.. i mean, 1st time kong madirect ni missy and i know she's really good. plus a lot is expected of me since i'm already one of the seasoned members of banaag at dapat by this stage sobrang whoa shit major great na ko but i'm not..

i don't know if what i'm losing is passion or touch. or maybe i'm just nervous that tech week is supposed to be this week or next week and i'm not yet very familiar with my blocks, as well as some of my lines. maybe this is just a phase i have to go through since we had a week-long hiatus and i haven't re-warmed up yet.

7pm na kami everyday starting this week. so malamang around 730 or 8 ako makakauwi.. i wake up at 5am, which means i have 9 hours to spend at home, and not all of those hours are spent luxuriously.. i have to budget sleeping time and homework time. homework time includes memorizing my lines and blocks, as well as working on the playbill!!

i'm so tired!

and there's dinner, bath time... and how the fuck could i not watch tv?

hay nako.. sana lang i manage my time well.. 

i need sleep!! i need sleep!! i need sleep!! but how?! 

i swear!! i swear!! i swear!!

this is not me!!

i super feel like i'm not myself today! i dunno.. it must be the 3 straight nights na 2 hours lang yung sleep ko..

ewan.

basta..

this is not me!!!

and i want my right mind and my right self back! mahirap maging lost!! why am i like this today?!

grrr.. in the zone? shit grabe.. hindi ko tlga maintindihan! 

yey! i got my old self back the day after i wrote my previous entry.. masaya na ko.. i think i'm a better person now yehey.

and a busy better person at that!

yesterday we had rehearsals from 8am-4pm.. and during my breaks i did my geom hw.. then drafted 4 letters and a schedule.. wow nice! muntik ko pang makalimutan kumain ng lunch wow! after rehearsals i went to national, saw laura there, and bought a book, then to mcdo with jow.. woopeedoo..

then today i went boxing with kuya marco, ate phoebe, and kuya marco's other friends.. twas fun and majorly tiring! grar!

when i got to kuya marco's house, taco, my 2-yr old nephew, was playing with me and my sister.. my sister and i have new names now! "tita phoebe" became "teebee" and "pauline" became "puni" hehe.. my sister's a disease and i'm a baby horse now! shit i don't like horses! hi pat! hi aika!!

now i just finished the colors thing for t.h.e. then i typed the letters we drafted yesterday.. then later i'm working on my tc notebook for english because thanks to ara, tc ako this quarter! nice, amidst the very very very tight sked given TOTS rehearsals!!

then i have to pack pillowcases, a bedsheet, a blanket and some bedroom stuff for t.h.e. tomorrow.. wow cool... NOT!

i'm fucking sleepy!! i need sleep badly!! kaso lang sasakit body ko tomorrow because of the stuff i did today!! pucha may abs pala ko! haha.. sasakit daw yung abs ko bukas eh!! meaning i have abs wow cool!

bwahaha. ignoranteng gaga!

good night, world! yey!! 

my willingness to do Wicked has returned!

wala lang.. it just occurred to me..

yes, it's the chem long test. it can wait.. this cannot..

and i do have very very very mixed up priorities..

i'm sad that the season ender won't push thru.. kasi naman.. LMC eh.. grrrr... they gave us quite an experience! ho well.. chic and i are sharing sorrows.. pero okay lang.. it's still november.. there's still december, january, february, maybe a little of march.. but still, i wanted to be a.d. and have a season ender and end with a bang! and what do we get? this school year's season closes on january 31st? ang boring naman ng buhay!! the time left won't be enough to stage another play! grrr..

swear while i was plotting the stuff in the calendar, umiiyak ako!! and it was filipino class and i wasn't listening!! basta!! omg! very heartbreaking!

nung geom naman, na-realize ko na ang isang tao, sa harap ng stress situation, dalawa lang ang posibleng mangyari: nagiging mas matino, or nagddepreciate..

parang pag nagagalit si melanie marquez.. malabo diba? wala lang.. naingayan teacher namin sa geom.. and she was like, "stop writing.. i said STOP WRITING!! HINDI BA KAYO NAKAKAINTINDI NG TAGALOG!?!"

wala lang.. nalabuan ako eh..

but it's nice to get a dose of comic relief amidst shit-like situations.. pagod na kong umiyak.. and mind you, hindi love life iniiyakan ko!! stress lang naman! 

i watched aida of cue drama club last night. it was nice! they were good! but critics were right, some of them needed improvement on the voicing. whenever the chorus starts singing, one cannot help but notice a few glitches. but for a high school production, it was wow! they had such a good show!

i cried not in the part when amneris realized that radames love aida.. i cried during curtain call.. like i do in every musical i watch! haha! lalo na last show yun and i can see the tears in the eyes of the cast, i was reminded of how it felt to work on a show and part ways with everyone when the last show ends.

teacher melanie told me that i should go do something else in the coming summer. see, this week i reflected a lot because a lot has happened. it'll be only a couple of months before the green batch takes over and manages Banaag. i don't know though if we're ready for it. and besides, there's a lot to do in the summer since we already have a sponsor. that being said, i don't think i could manage to juggle banaag and playshop in summer. of course, banaag being banaag, i have to let go of playshop. well, at least for now that's how things appear.

i didn't know that things would be this hard.  ang hirap magdecide. there are a lot of factors to consider! i really want to go to playshop because i've been there for 5 years and i wouldn't want to stop there. but then banaag is banaag. it's a family and i have limited time to spend with banaag.

actually, i have limited time to spend everywhere in manila.

oh well.. all i have to do is to follow my heart.. 

nasa topic na rin lang ng aida, congrats to ELAINE na hindi ko napanood pero sabi ni meg magaling.. and to JIO!! bwahaha.. kaya pala nagpapayat eh.. joke lang.. penge ng minus one!! yehey!

masaya.. yung Php200 na ticket, binigay ni jio ng 100.. si meg libre sa 2d show kasi nanood sha ng 2pm!

i forgot to buy a playbill! ayan naman ang katangahan!! wala na, broken na ang aking record.. 1st time ka ba?!

i agree with limmie.. sino nga ba si nubia? bwahaha.. joke lang.

yey i'm so happy i got to download aida.. nabawasan na ang list ng cds that i have to buy/make.. though i still don't have SONGS FOR A NEW WORLD which everyone has.. i only have around 4 tracks?

gusto ko din ng rodger's and hammerstein's cinderella.. i like the songs there.

pero yung complete list ifformulate ko ulet.. i lost it somewhere in my blog  

masaya.. i'm such a shrew.. okay lang. i don't care.. as long as i'm good, i'm good! yey..

and that sort of went nowhere.

it's so fucking hot! i mean, sorry to all of you who think that hotness is supposed to be here cuz i'm here, but it's really hot!!

and when it's hot, people get frustrated. nung guidance period kanina shit grabe ang init kaya brat na naman ako.. brat na nagwawala.. cool eh.

then nung lunch naman gaguhan.. may teacher na dumaan eh lantaran na nasa phone ako.. so good luck na lang!!! buti na lang ndi ako sinita!!

and my brother turns on his aircon, yipee!! coolness in my system!! i shall take this in!

i'm in a broadway phase.. well, i don't think this is a phase.. it's a lifetime thing. though i fear that my heart does not coincide with my mind. i read one of teacher chari's past entries and it said something about theatre seeming like a calling for all but in reality it's only for a selected few. i fear that i'm one of those who think theatre is a calling for me when it's not. then again, teacher andre (teach! i miss you!!) gave me the motivation to go on with it.. and that was such a crucial moment for me cuz that was the time i was questioning what i'm here for.

in guidance period today we were told to choose our top 3 professions and our top 3 universities. i was at a total loss because i'm not sure if by the time i'm in college already i would've moved out of manila and into edmonton. i don't know actually.. maybe that's why i'm afraid.

in other news (thus making this blog the most non-coherent blog which actually exists), i'm frustrated.. not because i want to do better.. i'm frustrated cuz there are some things and people who don't deserve my attention as of the moment.

yeah i admit, it was the bitch in me who walked out today. i heard what you said, but i did not listen. that's cuz i'm fed up with you. that's the reason for me putting on my ipod's earbuds while you were making parinig.. so that i could pretend not to hear you. and hell no, i would not be part of that flock of sheep who panics when you shout, who grants your every wish, who makes sure you are tame. fine, you have been tamed now. but you must know, i shall never make myself tame as long as you're around. leave, bitch.

beneath the costume is a wicked soul! 

wala lang.. ang dami kong natutunan today..

we had a dry run today for the stuff that will happen next week.. my gosh.. extra joss truly worked! i was up on my feet until 6pm! grabe hyper todohan!! teacher april even commended our class nung dry run kasi kami yung pasimuno nung high energy.. with my heel-clicking and oti-walking, grabe yung classmates ko sobrang hindi maka-abot sa energy ko! ayan naman ang effect ng extra joss.. hanggang sa pinapaalis na kme tapos na-play ulet yung song then everyone went back!! malupitan!! wala lang.. parang nakakahawa na ata ang extra joss ngayon!!

we watched "of mice and men" in english class.. fun fun.. lennie's so cute! not cute na physically cute.. i mean, the way he acts and how he's so fragile amidst his great strength.. oh! and a little detail, i realized that his child-like attitude was evident in his desire to eat beans with ketchup. i remember as a child, i was introduced to ketchup.. i was told that i could dip food in it.. i got fascinated.. my cousin experienced the same thing. lahat ng bagay, nilalagyan ng ketchup. then my brother did the same after a few years! now, it's on to my nephew.. he dips a single french fry in ketchup, eats the ketchup and leaves the fry without a bite.. ngayon ko lang napansin na related pala yung ketchup sa innocence ng tao..

in other news, i was left with chic for like half an hour or so.. we waited for our cars to come.. bonding galore!!

oh and during rehearsal, abby, chic and i bonded!! we realized that there's around 2 months left for us to work together. pretty soon,  i'll say goodbye to being a banaag secretary.. who knows what position i'll be handling next year? wala lang.. nagrelease kami ng frustrations on the upcoming play (na matagal nang upcoming.. shows na nga dapat eh.. if it weren't for the grade school dept. grrrrrrr...) na sana may season ender pa.. i'm really sad na walang season ender.. i mean, pangpa-alis ng stress na dala ng major play..  but there's no more time..

sana lang we push through with the "ligaw" re-run sa feb..

i feel sad.. wala lang.. i miss people.. parang ang tagal pa ng april 2007, pero hindi pala..

i have to live a productive life.. 

wala lang.. ang saya.. kumuha ko nung #1 and #5 nung mcdo ketchup kanina and tried to compare their tastes.. naaliw naman ako..

parang kahapon pa malaking issue ang ketchup sa buhay ko ah.. hmmm..

banaag was major fun today.. mostly playtime.. naka-costume ako but i did not rehearse kasi yung scenes that they blocked, wala naman ako dun.. so nag-elias and ibarra kami ni janna. tapos oti session.. tapos kunyari natatakot kami sa p.a.. mga oti na labuan..

english time was nice. it was kikay session for me.. i was putting mousse on my hair.. hehe.. i didn't know sir was at my back! okay lang.. he didn't seem to mind.. and i liked watching "of mice and men" because it's nice.. the story of it, i mean.. wala lang..

oh!! i made kapa the intro of "written in the stars" sa piano heehee.. i feel proud!

it's been my lss since saturday.. wala lang. aida kasi eh.. (meg, quiet!)

deadline na ng romeo and juliet tickets sa wednesday nov. 30.. kung may class president/treasurer na makabasa, please submit the reservation form and the payments to me or any banaag officer on nov 30, recess time at the bamboo area..

it's not such an easy task to do that from one classroom to another.. nahirapan naman ako dun.. imagine, i did 15 sections siguro.. out of 31? kalahatiin ba? yung ibang classes pa ndi nakikinig eh.. nakaka-bad trip.. para naman kasing madali magsalita ng paulit-ulit tapos kailangan pang lakasan kasi kailangan ma-overpower yung volumes ng maraming students in every class.. pssh.. okay lang. it's my job. i have to live with its consequences..

i want to streetdance again in hannah's house. hehe.. then go boxing again on sunday.. nakaka-miss..

yey! 

i was reflecting a bit while reading ilsa's blog. she mentioned something about her paulinian parting memory since she's graduating in march.

i thought, she has to say goodbye to the freakshow that is spcp. then i thought, everything's a freakshow. in every place you go, there are different people, different things and cultures that might scare you or fascinate you. they're not necessarily "aberrations, malformations and grotesque physiques." they might turn out to be good things too.

and when the freak graduates, or wants to make something of her life, she tries to move out of that sideshow, says goodbye to all the freaks she grew up with, and moves on to what she envisions as "vaudeville." little does she know, she's moving to another sideshow, just with new freaks, a new boss, and new attractions to take hold of.

i said goodbye to a freakshow in grade seven. i thought what i moved to was far worse than the freakshow i got used to for 10 whole years. however, i judged without even knowing how their freakshow works. and now, i guess i could call it vaudeville. a freakshow in a green pasture.

in a year, after a seventeen years' worth of of learnings, realizations, friends, and enemies, i will say goodbye to a big freakshow we call "the philippines." i will try to move to a new place, meet more different people, and hopefully, get used to moving around as i become a part of their sideshow's attractions.

but who cares? i still have a year to spend in here! 

wala lang.. random line..

i have new havaianas!! yipee!! the white one with hearts. i don't like the new designs of the high ones.. they look so urgh.. i want to own a pair of flash hops.. and the traditional ones.. i like i like!!

i'm aggravated that i didn't get to attend rehearsals today.. i wanted to get out of the house pa naman.. eh my mom gave me this "don't start.. you're not going" look so ayun.. 

in other news, i want to work on school projects this week as i won't be doing anything in the fair. ayoko nga pumasok during the fair eh so i can do projects na.. kaso lang i paid for the concerts shit so i have no choice.. kaysa naman waste how many pesos.. sana mabenta ko sha..

i'm not in the mood to be a bum. i want to make something of my life. but it's hard to do so when i have a lot to do pa! labo.. bwahahahaha..

when's "rent" the movie showing in manila? i can't wait to get my eyes glued. teacher rony's right.. "phantom" sucked when it was turned into a movie.. i mean, i slept through it!! grarr! but i think rent will be nice.. since the songs are there naman.. like light my candle, seasons of love! haha.. yey i'm excited!!

no one mourns the wicked..

wala lang. nay, then good night our part.. 

i think that's how i feel right now.. well, i'm basing it on the phonetic mood of the word.. hehe.. tanga eh.

i don't think things are going well.. parang may chaos pero hindi ko alam kung saang aspect ng buhay ko yung chaos na yun. and people have been opening up to me. nagulat lang ako.

i think i have an idea, though i would want to make sure of things.. pero ito lang.. ayoko ng pabigla-bigla yung decisions without consulting the mind as well as the heart. ayoko ng produkto ng stress.

ayoko ng nagsasalita pag stressed kasi maraming nababangga dahil walang bumubusina.. kasi stressed nga eh.. wala lang.

sinusubukan ko naman palawakin yung utak ko eh. pero yun na nga. i can see where both sides come from. naiintindihan ko sila pareho, pero hindi ko alam kung pano magagawang magkaintindihan sila.

(oo na.. mali-mali na yung tagalog. so what?!)

chka yun na nga.. maliit lang yung bagay eh.. tapos ngayon parang yun na yung mundo.. 

i don't like the way things are going..