a mind is very private..

you know the feeling na, i really really really want to help but i can't do anything to help? like when someone cries and all i can do is give a hug cuz i don't know how to change things..

naiinis ako. i want to help! but how?

i hate seeing my friends suffer. especially those who really mean a lot to me. they may not give me that much importance but crap! i'd really grab the chance to share burdens with them. or maybe take the whole load with me.

ayokong mag-monday. i'm anxious of what might happen.

i have to talk to God. nakakainis i wasn't able to go to gesu kanina. sana pala i went there after the mass. i really want to be by myself in front of God sa isang magandang church. tapos i'll be silent lang. to the point na maiiyak pa ko sa sobrang pagka-reflective.

when i was in mcdo katipunan today with some banaagers, i realized that it's better to be a silent listener in conversations. i learned a lot just by listening to chic and mia and gaye and pam.

i really feel down today. sobrang bothered by a lot of things. i want to cry real hard but i have no one to lean on. my gosh, i'm experiencing emotional stress! 

then again, God won't give us things we can't handle. if He knows we can get through trials, He presents us with trials.

hay! today's been beyond tiring. as i type everything in here i'm waiting for my water to get hot (reason na din to go online) cuz i'm dying to have a hot bath to end the week!

i wasn't really up for going to my dad's house today. we weren't able to see each other for 6 months or more, and today was the only day we could meet up. but then as i got there, i realized that i did miss being there. even if my mom would usually get aggravated with one of us kids merely mentioning the word "papa" or "dad" or some such term in front of her.

1st of all, i got moolah. and yeah we did catch up on quite a lot. there were takes on politics, things happening in my house, whatever. and afterwards we did some adventures. we went to jologs malls and i was really so excited to shout, "o kamusta na kayo mga jologs!!!!" but was worried of not coming home alive. heehee. you know naman when the jologs are called "jologs," they automatically deny.

i really hate going to gateway. sure, the place is stuffed with nice stores like mango, lacoste (hint hint i want new shoes), jessica, fully booked, and some sort of those stuff. may nabibili bang havaianas dun? like durrr. sa celio naman for men lang yung havaianas. anyways, as i was saying,the place looks nice. but the attempt to make it jologs-free was not successful. eew.

then we rode the mrt in hopes of buying cd-r's and we reached glorietta na! haha! and of course, being confined in quezon city for maybe more than half of my life (katipunan lang alam kong lakarin. and the shang area in mandaluyong), i was scared to death! but all's good. like, durr, buhay pa ko!

anyways, ayun, i guess it'd take a couple more months before my dad and i see each other again. but i guess it's okay. it's how life goes eh.

oh my gosh! in a few hours, i'm going to school again! like i've been out the whole week and my body's not liking it anymore. school ako from monday til friday then yesterday i went to meralco theatre and walked to galle after watching, then today my dad's house as well as a couple more places. then tomorrow til friday school na naman! so for 12 days straight umaalis ako ng house! heehee. i want to rest for a change!

and yes, i do need to rest. kaso lang i can't miss school tomorrow cuz i have stuff to do pa! and meetings in the afternoon. pero ewan. when can i rest naman kaya noh? i really got freaked out with the thing teach mel sent us. the top 10 stuff to damage the brain.

oh! review pala on beauty and the beast. hmmm.. it was worth it! heehee.. worth the Php1545 i got from my allowance. though in the opening i noticed that the energy was quite low, they built everything up naman and ended the show with a bang. i watched karel's cast, btw. and kara didn't play chip in the show i watched. but it's okay! i'm actually considering watching again next week, but i know my mom won't let me. ayun.

the music was fabulous! and ida (former banaag president) is part of the orchestra! hehe. i saw her name at the list of violinists when i read the playbill. grabe, when they were playing the theme song na, and belle was in the yellow gown, i was really ultimately kilig! i nearly cried! haha. but i didn't cuz i was alone and it's nakakahiya. wala lang..

and i looooooved seeing teacher chari and ate kyla on stage. hindi ko pa rin nagagawa yung banners ko for them! haha!

awwww my gosh. i want to sing my heart out again. 

and i'm still not over the emotional phase thing. shiz. i want to cry again! rarrrr.. 

fun fun!

i went to megamall today after school cuz no one's gonna bring me straight home. so i went there with my mom cuz she had to run some errands.

i bought stuff for my violin. dolly 3 is my baby!! heehee.. and i'm still waiting for the birth of dolly 2! whoosh! i'll nurture them both.. yak, pinapangalanan yung stuff eh..

anu ba happening tomorrow? i'm tamaaaaad!

teach mel's in iligan na doing the thing with red. i wanna watch that! guys, copies!!

whoosh! i'm done with homework yey! and this week's banaag rest week. aww.. i miss meetings! magppost ako tomorrow.. hmph.. i really miss! arghness! sana monday na so there's club again..

ang dami kong trip sa buhay.. and i'm glad na marami. mahirap na maging bum. nakakatakot.

kaya. life is fun.. lalo na when your mind's well-rested.

dreams don't die so keep an eye on your dream.. cuz before you know where you are, there you are!

galing ni stephen sondheim.. pero mahal ko si jason robert brown.. kasi ang hopeless romantic ng dating nya..

woorihoo! gudnayt na nga!

how abawuht!!

it's 5:30pm and i'm home!! i got home at 4pm actually.. but what the heck!! i'm HOME?!! IN THE AFTERNOON? FRIDAY AFTERNOON?

oh well. we had a super short meeting lang today.. well, for those na trip pumunta.. kasi nga i miss being with banaag.. ang boring ng life na rest days lang!! ugh! walang magawa!!

yey i'm done with all the homework i have to do.

i'm yming with aika and patrick and mama amae.. fun fun.

woopeedoo.. dumdeedumdum..

i like to sleep!! 

woopeedoo!! i haven't blogged for such a long time!

a lot's been happening.. well, banaag's still on hiatus.. we haven't had any meetings since last week? not sure na.. basta.. tomorrow might be a game afternoon for those who won't be going home early.. game afternoon meaning burutin days.. sana matuloy!!

i love playing patintero, agawan base, pepsi 7up, and tagu-taguan with banaag. though super kainis all the cars that pass by from time to time, masaya pa rin!

and may i just say, "something's changed within me.. something's not the same.." haha!! i've been doing homework at home!! i spent last night rewriting my messy notes.. then i did homework and finished everything on time! haha oo na jologs na.. but i want everything na kasi to be all set by the time i feel sleepy. i don't like feeling uncertain.

pero gagawa pa ko ng palanca for b.a.. gusto nya kasi handwritten.. hehe.. see? inaantok na ko pero gagawin ko pa rin kasi friend ako! oh well.. haha!

i miss my playshop classmates.. lahat sila.. from 2001-2005.. wala lang.. ang tagal mag-summer!

i love the new banaag members.. they seem quite dedicated. based on what they did in club today.

i love barbie. and i want to be like barbie.. pretty and tall and nice.

heehee.. woopeedoo! 

oh my gosh.. i have been making less posts here in my blog. like previously said, i mostly give out kwentos to the people in the MTF yahoo group cuz that's what mtf people have been doing..

but the posts there are decreasing too.. i guess everyone IS busy.. especially now that i'm a junior, i have to work extra hard.. plus juggling my academics and banaag.. whoosh! things are getting more and more complicated..

roles for our next prod have been given out today. my role is, well.. hmmm.. quite challenging.. kidding! well, i guess sometimes my hirits do get a bit out of hand that people tend to think i actually mean the things i say.. but i'm happy!! heehee.. i've been longing for my chance to bitch around and tell the whole world about it..

during the audition, i sang "shy" from once upon a matress.. because people don't believe that i'm shy!! i mean, everyone has their share of everything, right? with that in mind, i guess i have my shy side too!! so when i tell you i'm shy, don't laugh about it!! believe me instead!!

kainis kanina.. i told chic that before she returns my phone, she has to bow down and say "all hail thy prettiness.." so she did it the 1st time.. then she wanted to give my phone back for the 2d time but she wasn't doing the "all hail thy prettiness" ritual so i wasn't accepting my phone.. then she went, "pauline! your manager's on the other line!" and gave me my phone!! ack!! the power of acting! well, she's not the banaag president for nothing.. nako! my acting skills are depreciating! i don't even know if i have acting skills to begin with!! objective!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm happy that mia, gaye and mama visited during club time today. i missed them a lot! well si mia konti lang cuz she visits often.. oh no!! she might get to read this!! hi mia!! i missed you like i missed gaye and mama ana fe!! heehee..

i drew a watch again today.. well, afternoon subjects are really boring so i came up with a watch on my wrist.. before black sign pen lang eh.. ngayon colored na! haha!! goes to show how class could get soooooo boring!

anyhots, i still got filipino homework!! crapness!! ugh!

good night, world!

well, at least i get to have some sleep now!! 

first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TEACHER MELANIE!!

wala lang.. malamang birthday nya ngayon so happy birthday!! i texted you na all that i wanted to say! kaya ayun! 

i've been into "the wizard and i" for the past week. i just can't stop singing it! feels so fun!!

promise, i'll be the next idina menzel, if not better..

just not now cuz i've been sneezing incessantly. guys, take care!! a lot of people have been getting sick! the weather sucks, huh?

yesterday's quite fun!! i got to bond with banaag like always. heehee. i love them even if they don't send confirmation texts when i make announcements or give reminders. and even if i'm just one speck of dust in their universe. yuck kidding! haha.. i love them to bits..

whoosh i can't wait for our next prod!! i love my role even if i've been teased about it.. inggit lang kayong lahat cuz i get to fool around! yeahhh!!

omg.. i had fun in mcdo yesterday after club.. pero i almost cried kasi ni-open ni chic yung topic about their grad tapos their banaag farewell thing. pucha ilang months na lang!! quote ko kay chic, "it's me you're always leaving! it's me who's always last in line!".. pero joke lang.. hehe.. it's me who's always by the wings and never at centerstage! it's me who's always the sidekick and not the hero. it's me who's never the center of attention! it's me who's always the long-suffering character. it's me who has no place in your heart, in your life..

leche ang LABOOOOO! hahaha..

last week naman my quote was "i'm naturally quiet and shy" which appears as a joke to my friends.. akala nila i don't mean it when in fact i do!! like the song goes, "this confident air is a mask that i wear cuz i'm shy" ..."though some people i know might deny it, at bottom i'm quiet and pure!"

hindi naman ako pinanganak at pinangalanang "confidence" eh! hehe. when i was young i was super shy whenever i go to vtr's!! recently lang ako naging ultimately magulo but even if i'm like this, i'm still SHY!!! horayt?

gets ko na why i felt different nung thursday.. it was july 21.. 7/21!!! WALA LANG!! basta..

i just read ate kyla's blog and i agree a lot with the things she said.. may angst din ako sa mga tv people who star in musicals. kaso wala tayo magagawa eh.. we have to admit that theatre needs publicity too so that it won't go down.. kaya kahit ayaw, napipilitan na kumuha ng tv people para may sure audience na.. nakakainis pa rin kasi not everyone's gifted with the talent to act/sing well on stage! God made them for tv, so sana hanggang dun na lang sila..

nakakainis kasi madalas kung sino yung magaling, part of the chorus kaya hindi nagshshine.. yung naiilawan pa madalas ng spotlight, yung bahugan sa stage na kinuha nila sa tv.. nako.. filipinos don't know any better. lalo na sa performing arts.. hindi nila alam kung sino yung magaling at sino yung walang kwenta.. basta pretty face, ayos na sa kanila.

ang tanga!!! rrrrrrrrgh!

anyways, anu pa ba magagawa ko? wala.

kaya gagawa na lang ako ng homework. para may mangyari pa sa buhay ko. i still have an influence wheel, c.l. project, social studies homework, english journal entry, book report, ewan. must consult my checklist.

my life needs direction! nawawala na naman ako! 

MIA: salamat sa lahat ng visits mo!! super nakaka-miss na makita ka! siguro miss ka narin ng mga fans mo!! nila kc and bebs!! bwahahaha!!

BILLIE, MEG: email ko na lang palanca sorry tlga!!

CHIC: wala munang farewell talks!! walang hiya july pa lang.. wag muna isipin.. please?

hwaaaaaah!! galit ako sa lahat ng bobo!!

well, actually, hindi naman bobo eh.. pero yung mga hindi gumagamit ng i.q.. feeling matalino lang kasi dinadaan sa memorization.. pero hindi naman lahat ng nagmememorize eh matalino..

take actors as a good example.. not all actors are intelligent, though they memorize their lines and all.. kung actor ka at feeling mo offensive, use your given intelligence.. i also act on stage.. at wala rin naman ako sinabing matalino ako.. wala rin akong sinabing bobo ako..

ang sarap sunugin ng mga tao ngayon.. pfft.. filipinos..

we must admit that our quality of education has indeed depreciated through the years.. ngayon, matalino ka na kung alam mo ang 1+1.. matalino ka na if you memorize names of people, dates, and certain events in history..

pero hindi naman katalinuhan yun kung memorize mo yung encyclopedia or kung memorize mo yung timeline ng buong mundo eh! baket, kung memorize mo ba, does it necessarily mean na naintindihan mo lahat ng happening na yun?

people tend to be very bookish.. everything they learn, they get from written texts and they STOP THERE! nakakaaggravate kasi hindi naeexplore yung ibang kinds of intelligence sa school!!

fine.. my i.q. is quite high.. pero i was never given any credit for it kasi hindi yun yung basis ng intelligence ng lahat ng tao.. hindi naman dahil mataas i.q. ko, mamememorize ko na ang lahat ng libro sa kasaysayan ng mundo.. sige na, bitter na ko kasi 127 yung i.q. ko and it's only ranked under "very superior."

pero ang sarap pa rin sunugin ng mga tao kasi they memorize without understanding.. tapos para sa mga pilipino, matalino na yun. masunog kayong lahat! bwahahahaha..

whoosh.. wickedness must not be punished. but the wicked should punish! bwahahahaha..

ang feeler tlga ng mga tao.. feeling matalino pero ndi naman..

ANG SARAP MATULOG PROMISE!! NATULOG AKO NG 3AM and WOKE UP AT 12PM.. SLEPT AT 2:30PM and WOKE UP AT 7PM.. MASARAP MATULOG AT MALIGAW SA PANAGINIP.. sana maulit..

uuuuugh!! hating this!! it's only tuesday and i'm bombarded with stuff to do which will last me till next week!! like, hi! get a life!

i got pleased with the amount of sleep i got yesterday. but i feel as if i already used up all the energy i gathered in my long sleep.. crapness!!

i don't like doing powerpoint stuff for school.. wala lang.. so i don't like to do the filipino thing. darned flips. haterrrrr.. die die die!!

i also don't like to study for long tests. so to hell with geom tomorrow and social studies on thursday..

i'm basically tamad to do everything but i got no choice.. crappy schoolwork..

die die die!! to hell with everything that has to do with school!!

sige, i'll look forward to rehearsals na lang everyday! haha!! so i could get by school na din! haha!!

shiz.. dear old shiz..sana dun na lang ako.. i want to be elphaba.. kahit munchkin okay na..

basta nakakatamad to study!! i want more sleeping hours each day!!

and i want to have a worry-free weekend!!

and i love and accept andes creme de menthe thins.. in spite of all the calories.. 

heehee.. managed to do everything needed for the coming week!! i feel happy..

and yesterday was just, well.. yun..

sana maka-rest ako ng tuloy-tuloy.. i miss having majorly long sleeps.. tipong to the point na ndi ako sure kung gigising pa ko or forever na lang akong tulog..

nakakatamad kasi mag-school eh..

everyone's not having much of a good time at school. most of the people are stressed, some people are passing their subjects, most people are flunking..

i want it to be summer already. i miss playshop. heck, i don't even know if i can join next summer.. cuz i'm going to be a senior and i want to be in a banaag season opener at least once in my life. and i want to pass the university i desire to attend..

but it's hard to leave one of those things out.

crapness..

oh well.. still have a couple of months to decide..

 tulog na lang para walang problema!!