a mind is very private..

yahoo! kuya macky's back from oz! hopefully, we'll spend time with freaks again quite soon.. even after a year, freaks (well, at least our bunch) are still together! que fun!

i suddenly got excited to go to the banaag retreat on friday. sure i'll be late cuz i'll have rehearsal til 7, but it's banaag and hello naman, why would i give that up? yey, some blue batch people will be there!

on may 27, a bunch of my paulinian friends will be celebrating joint bithdays and i've been invited. i hope i get a yes. evening pa naman their event so hopefully i could like, invite them to watch the playshop show then go there na.

watched "the tigger movie" on disney channel tonight. shit, that movie gets tears rolling everytime! it was towards the end na and i wasn't paying much attention, but when "your heart will lead you home" started playing, i suddenly cried. i even cried quite hard. i was reminded of how much friends i have. there are paulinians, knollers, all the 5 sets of friends in my 5 years in trumpets playshop, old friends from all the neighborhoods i've been to.

wow. a lot has been going on in my 16 years.. and i expect a lot more to come my way. i move on, meet new people. love new people. learn to love the not-so-lovable.. wait lang.. i'm not ms universe..

but i'm pretty! well, super short, quite fat, so no can do.. just stick with face value! kidding..

ewan.. b.v ako today..

and when i logged on in ym, ang daming status messages na b.v.. kaya additional b.v.. like, do you want fries with that?

class had low energy today for some unknown reason.. we finished learning all the songs.. fuck, it's so hard to belt the money3 thing!

pero promise.. b.v ako today to the point na i'm ready to cry na.. wala lang.. on cue na toh.. like, yun.. (insert profanity here, there, and in all areas of the world)! wah! i want to cry tlga.. super todohan.. because the world is so jologs and i have to deal with the shitload of things i shouldn't actually be responsible for. cuz there are crappy, irresponsible people who happen to be deciding for me. cuz there are worthless people who SUDDENLY appear to have WORTH. cuz there are things and people who are not worth my time and attention, but are given attention for the sake of holy kamote land. cuz there are worthless, talentless, brainless beings who suddenly appear high before me, when in fact, they're the smallest specks of dust who happened to walk the earth.

just shut up if you think you're one of the people i'm talking about. and if you're just some gossiping ass who wants a piece of my mind, back off cuz you're not worth my time.

hay nako, i hate people who react right away.. they're like soooo guilty!

i've been thinking.. if you think you're the one i'm talking about, you're quite lucky to be part of my thoughts.. cuz usually, i only think of people and things worth my time.. are you worth anything? doubt it! wag pumatol sa bata? like, whoever said that should be followed?

if you think i'm a bitch, you must be smart.. you're right!

call me an irresponsible journalist, and look at the mirror..  kasi ikaw din..

but come to think of it, i did not give out any names, neither did i give out any initials whatsoever. therefore, i find no reason for feedback of any form. like, sue you! overreacting scumbag!

talentless ka din? join the club.. aie no na lang.. you're like, below talentless..

i really hate it that people get so guilty agad to react to try not to make things bigger. but guess what! i don't care!

so, what now? you're going to get all guilty and react and be a martyr.. ano ngayon?

ang mag-react and mag-comment, guilty! haha! 

my gosh, like, could i be any bitchier? well, i think not..

a LOT of bad energy's been circulating.. surprising..

that's why i love my life.. it has so much color.. and i love it more because a lot of people are trying to ruin it, and here i am, still standing (not tall though. crap my height).. like the song goes, "trip us or trap us but we'll refuse to fall.." hay. i hope to find me a younger jason robert brown.. or at least one in the making.

today's not as eventful as yesterday. though i think a turn of events shall occur in a while.. for now, there's endless YM's (shoutouts to ate joy, chris, mama, paola, b.a and nancy)..

what to do today? get some sleep, make my voice flexible (crappy high notes.. i couldn't reach if i chest, much more if i belt), violin a little, read, watch t.v, and contemplate on things life has to offer..

i saw ms reodica (my 3d grade teacher) in shang kanina.. wow.. felt comforting to know that she still recognizes me (at magka-height na kami.. both small!) and that we're still the same.. 

galing ng song ni alanis noh? oo nga naman. you live, you love, you cry, you lose, you learn.

i learned a lot today.. in fact, i'm okay now.. i learned a lot.. i got inner conflicts cleared.. i got myself thinking a lot thus creating this quite silent version of me. though i did crack a bunch of jokes kanina, i wasn't as happy as i usually appear cuz i have been thinking a lot. i think all i needed was a breather.. i think a good night's sleep did well last night.. cuz the other day i was wide awake til 6am and i woke up at 11.. so i was quite windang not to mention cranky..

so technically, though i was silent, i wasn't silent at all.. cuz i felt inner chaos creeping in..

then things happened today. i figured, maybe i was just PMS-ing because womanhood has arrived. and i feel quite crappy but at least this whole b.v thing was cleared.. well, maybe.

i read kuya macky's blog.. it's about friendship.. ang galing.. hits me quite well..

i learned that the biggest, most tragic thing to happen to you is for you to grow apart.. change is constant, therefore constant change cannot be changed! in time, you will change, she will change.. when you meet again, you'd see that some things didn't change, but a lot of things did.. and you'll find out that those changes won't be erased, thus leading to a distant friendship which eventually would disappear.

i learned that what sucks the fun out of workshops is a bad showcase piece.. and yes, i'd rather do "mr woowoo and his traveling band of vacuum cleaner salesmen" (hi kuya macky!) and be caught dead by the end of the show. though i won't quite for the love of performing.. and to find out if i really am meant to perform. by the way, kuya macky, i think i could write a musical entitled "mr woowoo and his travelling band of vacuum cleaner salesmen" because i was provoked to think of a storyline

i learned that every misunderstanding is caused by lack of cautious thinking. it's a matter of perception. say, if you read this blog entry, the way you percieve it would be different from my actual intentions as to why i'm writing this. therefore, if i go "cut the crap, you suck, go to hell and live with 27 black cats.", you'd think i'm mad when in fact all i did was think randomly. leading to something more serious like creating the 3rd world war.. the nazis might haunt the philippines and kill us all, just because i said something that meant nothing to me but meant something offensive to you.

i learned that tension release exercises are important.. when teacher k.o told us to explode during the warmups, i gave out a loud scream, felt really bad, then felt really good.

i learned that life will be good if you see it as good.. life will be miserable if you allow it to be miserable..

oh, and before i go, want to share this lang! got it from sugar..

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100%

Punctuation: 100%

Spelling: 100%

Vocabulary: 100%

eeew.. geek much?

anyways, naiiyak na ko.. wala lang.. cuz a lot of realizations are slowly hitting me..

thanks to kuya macky and mama anamae, i'm soooo writing a play!

i spent all night thinking of a concept.. i was super thinking of it and i was about to sleep already (mga 3:30 pa lang nun, right after american idol), then i came up with the perfect idea! so i was wide awake thinking of it til i noticed that the sun was up.. it was 5am already.. so i took medicine na lang to make me sleep. true enough, i was able to sleep.. and was sound asleep til 12..

BUT! i'm awake now and i have to write. i just have to.

btw, yes, i'm sticking with "mr woowoo and his traveling band of vacuum cleaner salesmen" unless i think of a shorter title.. but what kuya macky gave out is nice! i mean, yes he meant it for fun lang, but mama anamae got me into thinking of a story about it..

in conclusion, i'm writing it..

basta it's about the different kinds of dirt/dust/mess and how to deal with it.. say, there's dry dust, sweep it and it's off.. but for sticky ones like spilled juice or honey, you have to get on your knees to be able to wipe it clean. some even require special cleaning materials like glass cleaners so they could be sparkly clean.

those different kinds of dirt/dust/mess are our problems. the dry ones are the easy ones to fix.. but there are also sticky situations that require a certain amount of effort so you could fix it.. there are different levels of problems, and there are different approaches to fix them.

and in my characters, mr. woowoo, and other nameless vacuum cleaner salesmen which i'll name pretty soon, they'll be vacuum cleaner salesmen who sell their product by doing door-to-door demonstrations. trouble is, they don't know how to clean up after themselves. well, they do try but they simply can't do it!

why did i think of characters who demonstrate cleaning processes but can't clean their own mess? cuz the same goes with people. when our friends have problems, they tell us what they're going through and we almost always know what to do to fix their problems. but when we're the ones having problems, we often cannot fix them. so in a way, we demonstrate cleaning processes, but we don't know how to clean up after ourselves.

magulo pa as of now.. but wish me luck.

so, do i audition for footloose? part of me wants to, part of me doesn't want to. i know what songs could be good for the audition, but i'm not a dancer.. 

so tomorrow's the banaag retreat. i was already all planned and ready to go but there'd be playshop rehearsal also tomorrow! and steph tang's celebrating her bday tomorrow! arghness this life!

i texted teacher k.o (all hail the pretty --- wait, ako pala yun!) and asked about what we're doing tomorrow.. and oh great! we're doing music rehearsals! so i shouldn't be absent because i'm part of the whole damned crew.. (aww.. the whole damned crew of the freaks..miss them much) and because of the high parts eklabums na perpetual na atang trabaho namin ni ellen.

so i'll like, be late for the retreat cuz i have no choice.. pero if teacher k.o's bluffing lang that we'll work on the songs tomorrow, nako.. this life is hard..

i've been "studying possibilities" today.. wala lang.

i'll TRY to memorize the songs later.. i thought "winner takes it all" is gonna be hard.. hindi pala.. harder pa rin yung money3.. hindi ko abot when i chest eh teacher wants it loud.. grar. sana ako din may money..

pero wala lang.. i'm still excited to retreat.. even if i'll be late..

aika and i made promises today.. wala lang.. we might me different, but we'll be okay. mashado lang siguro akong contemplative kahapon.. 

i just got home from greenhills. went to greenhills after the banaag retreat. went to the banaag retreat after going to my aunt's house to sign something. and i went to my aunt's house on friday.

so i reached school on friday at around 2pm just in time for the meeting. well, i was supposed to go to playshop class from 2-7pm but my mom made a long sermon so i went straight to school instead. i even cried when i texted teacher k.o that i can't go! to think i had my day all planned out.

the banaag retreat lasted from 5pm of friday til 4pm today. we did some stuff. talked a lot, played, and talked some more. i got tired during friday night.. we cleared up some issues kasi and got to bed at 3am already (i think).. i wasn't able to sleep though cuz i was already used to sleeping at 5 or 6am.. so while everyone was sleeping, i was tossing and turning and getting up from time to time. i wrote (yes, while all the lights were out!), i listened to my discman, and had a rush of billions of different thoughts..

i thought about the blue batch and what we're going to do without them. then i thought about how things aren't going my way (because on that day, i lost my whole phone book in my phone, didn't get to rehearse in trumpets, and now something came up pa and i'm against it.. then i got into things from the past like wanting to join summer stock so my sked could make time for banaag workshops) and ended up crying because i was so frustrated that for billions of times in a span of a little more than a month, most things didn't go my way.. but i took comfort in the fact that i was in the retreat with banaag.. so i cried more..

tine got up in the middle of the night to find me sitting while hugging my pillow. that was the time i was crying, but i told her that i was okay when she asked me if i was.. i just wanted her to not worry because hey, why be burdensome in the middle of the night?

morning came and i barely got to sleep. i think i slept for 30 minutes but i wasn't sure. basta i saw the sun starting to rise and everyone was still sound asleep. turns out, tine and mia wanted a bonding session with me but mia stopped tine because mia thought i might have been sleepy. sayang. gising pala kaming lahat the whole night.

so i didn't get any sleep, ate a little breakfast (i dunno why but i didn't feel like eating), then did some writing stuff, then had lunch. at lunch time i didn't feel like eating either. i was starting to feel sick for some reason. so i hugged mama ana fe because i felt bad. pero when we got back to the speech room, i tried to act normal para hindi ako k.j..

i cried on niña's shoulder as the retreat ended. she thought i was crying out of feeling sick.. i agreed na lang.. pero truth was, i hated that the retreat had to end, not because of the activities, but because i thought that it would take quite long before we would get to see the blue batch again. and when will they visit all together? hard enough that you're making 14 people come on the same day, and when school kicks in, it's just going to be different.

so here i am, feeling miserable. i suddenly felt sad upon leaving the speech room. to add to that, i didn't sleep, ate super little during the day, and i really feel sick. so, miserable+miserable=needs family! i love being in banaag! so, save me!

i didn't know that there's something different about my hugs til mia and jow told me. sabi nila there's a certain comforting feeling when i hug them.. siguro they felt that, because i don't hug them for the sake of getting the average person's 12 hugs per day.. i hug them because i want to tell them a lot of things, but all those things put together would be equal to a hug.. plus, i know that everyday, we go through a lot, and i know how a hug could somehow ease pain.

bottom line, i had one of the best times of my life in the banaag retreat. surely, we're such a family. it's true, that i never heard of any club/org as bonded as banaag. thank God i'm part of it.

and to the blue batch, i wasn't kidding when i said sorry to you.. sorry for being selfish enough to find it hard to let go of you. 

oh! btw, to my mom, happy mothers' day! this goes out to my tau-tauhan mommies too! niña, kat, aiu, pam, reg, chic, laura, navs and anamae.. mama, mama, ikaw ba mama ko?

my eyes are sooo puffy. i look hella chinese! i was taking pix of myself, and they're horrible!

i guess my cryfest last night says it all. i read the notes of the banaagers, and later on, i found myself in tears. i really missed everyone.. now i'm missing them. and tomorrow, i'll miss them.

today i'm not getting any hugs. tomorrow i might get some in playshop. but it's still not the same. there are different hugs. each one gives of a distinct feeling. i won't get to hug mia, tine, jow, mama, niña, abby, nicki, jussell (na sobrang miss ko na), and all the other banaagers i usually hug. still hurting, but finding comfort in the fact that i didn't let go of the chance to be with them.

i still feel unwell. i mean, sana lang the retreat could last longer. but i'm home now, and i can't turn back time. and pretty soon, there's gonna be school, and we'll work on productions na. and academics will slowly creep in. and for the blue batch, college will eat up most of their time. getting to visit us will be something they couldn't do everyday.

see? i hold on to things and people for quite long. i know i'm selfish. but, what can i do? people matter to me. and not seeing them like before seems painful.

but in time, i'll learn to get by. i'll move on, but i won't forget. 

so, i'm technostressed due to my loss of contacts in my phone. i dunno but for some reason, i was really aggravated and at the same time, i was so depressed and i wasn't able to speak for a moment. i mean, it containted hundreds of #s and with a little malfunctioning, everything was gone.

i got mad so i bought a new phone. not so nice but i think this will do. it has a cam so puede na rin..

anyways, when i lost my phone book, i felt like i was the most miserable person in the world. i felt like i had alzheimer's disease. i wanted to remember a whole lot of phone numbers but i can't. i felt helpless. i know it's just a bunch of phone numbers, but keeping in touch with people are important to me.. i want to keep in touch with people who are important to me.

the other day i watched "a moment to remember." it's a korean movie about a couple and then the girl got alzheimer's disease. and the guy made their house full of paper so she'll remember a little at least. and the girl called the guy by her ex-boyfriend's name.. then when the girl remembers things, she writes to the guy. wala lang. it was such a cryfest.

sucks.. my lips are chapped.. i don't live without applying stuff to my lips naman.. balm, gloss, whatever.. and my eyes are still puffy. i look chinese tlga.. but i can still see. but when i take pics of myself, my eyes are so small!

so the next time i go to bed, i won't cry anymore.. but if i want to, it's okay to get hurt..

right before blogging, i just thought, that maybe the reason why i ALWAYS blog is cuz i have only a limited number of people i could actually talk to. i mean, we all have our own worlds and it's hard to make time to listen to endless ramblings when there are other things one has to do.

i don't think i express too much in here. maybe i just talk a little and write a lot. talk a little since there's no one to talk to, and write a lot because i know that even if no one actually reads, i still get to express stuff..

don't get me wrong, though. to whoever's reading this, i'm not trying to haunt your conscience.. i'm just, well, being my absurd self.

anyways, i have to make this short (ironically, my title says "endless". i'm feeling hella woozy.. gosh, since saturday pa toh! maybe i just miss getting hugs from banaagers. cuz they manufacture the most comforting hugs.

i know life is horrible when i percieve it to be, but it just is.

i want to stay. i mean, i know it'll be only for a while, but yeah, life is horrible.

pero mahal na mahal ko si jussell at si mama ana fe.. at ang banaag.. pero special mention kasi ka-ym ko sila today.. yesterday naman si laura at si niña kaya mahal ko rin sila.. it's only been 2 days since the retreat and i'm already missing banaag.. that family is really different. i mean, stuff yourself with problems during the day, and then go to banaag to start forgetting about your worries. plus get warm hugs. miss those so much.

i'm still unwell! when will this end!?

wow, once on this island will start on friday! i want to watch it! plug na rin to support the cast and everyone else.. thespians must rule the world because they don't get take two's when making mistakes, unlike t.v people who are set free once the director says "cut!"

anyways, ONCE ON THIS ISLAND is going to be shown in may 13, 14, 20, 21, 26, 27 and 28 at 8pm, and in may 15 and 29 at 3pm. tickets cost P1500 and below.

but for those who are used to seeing school plays which only cost around P100-300, don't think of P1500 as something expensive. with such a powerful cast and super great voices, i would happily pay for whatever amount just as long as i get to sit in the first few rows. i don't want to pay little then get to sit at the back of the theater, because i want to pay full attention to everything happening on stage. i want to take a close look at the set, the costumes, and all the hooplah. so even if there are cheaper tickets, try to go for the one which gets you the perfect seat.

the chairs in rcbc are quite uncomfy though. the material's like the eastwood movie theater seats but the rcbc chairs are stiffer. basta, the alignment of the back rest is not quite good.

but hey! i'll watch the play to see people tell a story. i'll watch because like them, i find it comforting to be someone else even for just a short time. to forget my own worries and focus on someone's objectives, sing out how someone else feels.

so i'm not auditioning for footloose, and i won't go to trumpets' career opportunity week. bummer much? well, whatever.

i want to perform today. though there's no stage, no cast, no story to even begin with. i just want to perform. i want to test if i'm for the stage and the stage is for me. i want to sing something right now. but yeah, no one's reading this i suppose. so if ever i do perform, don't watch!

i still miss banaag. i can't wait for school to start so i'll rehearse with them na! well, maybe i'll be front-of-house sa season opener cuz i think they're rehearsing for it already. but i don't want to go to school to study. puede bang club all day na lang? then again, when school starts for us, banaag will be led by the pink batch. i'll miss the blue batch a lot. but we won't be limp!

let's perform! who's with me? 

so i wasn't THAT unwell to be on an internet hiatus for quite long. loved my show? kidding..

i wasn't online for a couple of days because i spent time in china. we were supposed to tour but things happen and our trip to beijing didn't push thru. we ended up staying in shanghai. i called in sick lang cuz i didn't want to drop playshop. kaya absent ako for 2 meetings lang! yehey! heehee.. sorry, teachers! i was able to learn the stuff naman today eh!

speaking of, i didn't have a hard time doing choreo stuff naman.. masaya cuz super simple lang. i mean, compared to "come look at the freaks" and "the devil you know," this is a WHOLE lot easier! so, gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight.. yuck. l.s.s.

OH OH!! in the plane, there's this radio channel thingy which played all abba songs.. i was like, oh crap, don't follow me to china!! pero yun eh.. i ended up listening to it also.. figured i can try to study na rin to make up for the things i missed.

on to the story now. jioooooooooooo! nako!! uulitin ko tuloy Sophie's World dahil sayo! pero come to think of it, it's something nice to think about. after playshop kasi, MTFers had a highly stimulating conversation.

jio started with the evolution stuff. like how things came to be. i said it's a matter of perception or where you take it from. meaning, religion and science come in. pero what he said was, if you take it from science, how did the world come to be if it started from a single cell. like, what changes happened for that single cell to become the whole world it is now? where did those changes come from? did external factors influence that change? or was it from within? cuz diba, changes don't happen in a snap. it's a part of you that's waiting for the right time to be revealed. tama ba?

so we moved on to faith. how did our faith come to be? why am i a catholic, why is my neighbor a buddhist, or a muslim, or whatever? who invented these? who wrote the bible? is my christian living teacher telling me the truth? do preachers know the things they're saying? what exactly is the truth?

shempre you'll be biased if you want to defend your religion. on the other hand, if you don't believe enough, you'll end up getting confused, and trying your hardest to find a common belief among all the religious beliefs. then that's where you end up with nothing. but if you base everything on your faith lang, hindi puede cuz you'll be missing out on other points.

then we stumbled across the usual, "we will die soon anyways" thing. parang, if we live, then we just end up dying in the end, what's the point of living? does that give us the freedom to choose whether to live or die?

and when we die, where do we go? is there really heaven and hell? if your soul wanders somewhere after you die, where does it go? if heaven is a state of being, eh di if you feel heaven, you're surrounded by many dead people?

why am i asking? why do i reason? why do i want to find an answer to everything? why do i try searching for an answer, then arrive at nothing?

siguro this is the reason why i haven't had my confirmation yet. my mom wants to have me confirmed na, but how can i give in to something i don't fully believe in? like, take my parents. they were born with catholic beliefs passed on by their parents. but do they really believe in those stuff?

and there's this feeling that i believe in all the things i believe in just because i am obliged to do so. pero di nga, who created religion? if the spaniards didn't come to spread catholicism in the philippines, will we still be mostly catholics? or maybe that's just a logical fallacy. one thing doesn't necessarily lead to another, right? malay mo, some other people may have spread the said religion in our land.

endless questions. dianne! babila! enlighten us! ara, candice, jio, elaine, stephtang, stephc, vince, chris, billie, meg, christine, and the MTFers who got brainwashed (jio kasi eh. see? 1am na nag-iisip pa rin ako!), i think we would be needing lots of help.

wow, masaya sa pilipinas. i'm learning a lot. 

just after i spilled the beans and wasted an opportunity due to my childish fears, i upload a pic in multiply with the file name "me and my big mouth." talk about timing?

holy kamote, i'm not hyper anymore. my energy's been sucked! all of it!

but i promise, when opportunity knocks once more, i shall give my best.. and i'd better give my all. dear old shiz.

*my stupid mouth, has got me in trouble. i said too much again*

ang galing ni john mayer

at ang tanga ko.

totoo naman eh. i shouldn't have wasted it! after ranting and raving about it before leaving, crap! what the hell did i do?

oh well, life is complicated. got nothing to do but roll with the punches, except when i want to go against the tide. 

but really, i'm sorry. 

i'll type instead! haha!

well, since last night, i figured, that i do talk too much. i do have a lot of things to say. a lot of things to the point that there are certain things i shouldn't have said, but blurted out anyways.

john mayer's right. i'm never speaking up again. it only hurts me. 

and i think it's not so healthy after all to let everything out. ugh. i've been told that for billions of times now! i might get in trouble, i might hurt other people, and basta, it's such a selfish act. and yeah, it could hurt other people. and i could hurt myself too.

basta, things happened last night. yeah, me and my big mouth.

and at rehearsal today, teacher melanie was telling us that there were around 5 in the class who quit. and she said queenie is in the states. the billie was like "eh sino yung nagpuntang china?" and i was like, "ako yung nag-chi..... whoops!" and there was total silence! holy kamote! i dunno though if teacher absorbed my whole china episode. cuz while i was in china, i told them nga i was out sick.

jussell told me to get a grip and tie my tongue. which i think i should do. though since i'm typing away, i think there's also a need to tie my hands. but that won't happen. i dunno. even if it hurts, if it's what i live for, then it's okay for me to keep hurting.

had a great conference (personal ah.. not ym!) with christine, chris, jio, teacher k.o, dianne, steph tang, and mica. we were waiting for class, and we continued on our discussion of sophie's world and philosophy issues. when we tackled religion, dianne came in. hay, questions and answers came pouring! then teacher k.o came and rescued dianne from our endless questions. teacher k.o presented us with this council thing. i'm not sure if i can blurt it here, so i'll live up to john mayer's words and shut my stupid mouth. but how teacher put it kind of put light to all our questions. though of course, i can't help but think if it's true or not. there's still part of me asking, who formulated that story?

there's bias in the world. and i think it has something to do with religion. with what we were told kanina, maybe it was just from the point of view of whoever narrated that. if the one who explained things to us belonged to a different religious group, maybe there would be differences already. maybe the idea would still be the same, but whatever way it's put, whoever came up with that story?

so keep reading sophie's world.

and remember to shut up. 

i want to make some changes here at home. it's hard to record songs freely with the bazillion people around here.

therefore, since i cannot move out yet, i want or NEED a sound proof wall in one of the areas of the house. or maybe turn one of the rooms into a recording room. i really want to record, record, record! it's just crap that i can't be free to belt out "for good" or some such song without the people at home getting to hear me. or record something and hear a dog bark, or a car pass by.

holy kamote.

patatasfritas..

enough of oompa loompas scurrying around this house!

we even got more chuwariwaps!

but i really want to perform today. if not, then record. i must have a sound proof room. 

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

so i didn't get to do anything today. i was supposed to record given that my mom left the house in the afternoon. but NO! my sister had to go home right when my mom left!

i really want to make my cd na eh! it's just so horrible that even if i'm soooo desperate to make it na, i still can't! i lost all my previous recordings, and i can't record now cuz there are people at home and they're going to hear me! fine, i wasn't gifted with a good voice, but i want to play with it and i want to make something out of it! i was hoping i could release frustrations thru belting out til my throat runs out of everything it's got.

all i did today was bum around, continue Sophie's World, and slept. i slept the whole afternoon out of inis brought by my inability to record. leche.

then there's this thing i want over. well, apart from the sniffles i got. kamote, it's FLU season again. bad enough that i felt flu-ish while i was in china, and now i'm sniffling my life away again!

bottom line: i feel crappy.

had a 5-minute conversation with aika using my cel. himala! 5 minutes lang! not the usual 30-45.. maybe we are growing apart. but we promised not to, right? but well enough, mejo na-ease yung tension. good phone convos make me feel happy and take away my worries at least for a while.

i feel cold. and i feel another sneeze coming.

got myself into a few text convos. some were nice, some were COLD, but all in all, whatever.

then i snuggled up, hugged a pillow, and surprised myself (well, not really) by starting to cry. i cried cuz i felt so much. i felt that what i'm handling isn't such a good load. i feel so heavy. there's something in me telling me that i'm not okay no matter how much i try to think everything's alright.

but things aren't going well for me. fine, things went my way for what, a day? but life's just hell.

speaking of how i feel right now, i found out on wednesday that there are physical manifestations of how i feel. maybe i'm not such an actress after all. cuz when i got to shang, i hurriedly fixed myself up with the basics (eyeliner, lip gloss, whatev) and brushed my hair with maybe more than a hundred strokes. then even if i looked okay, people were asking me if there's anything wrong, and they told me i look tired. actually, i wasn't tired. was just weary. that's all.

i need someone to talk to. but that someone doesn't seem to understand. 

i still feel unwell. actually, everything got even worse today. yesterday was just headaches, now there's colds (cuz i've been sneezing NON-STOP! thanks to the 4 packs of kleenex that i bought, i was able to survive) and the CHILLS i really hate.

but more than that, there are interpersonal issues i have to deal with. crap, i just feel so bothered. so i guess that also adds to the whole "being unwell" thing. i just feel so down. like, even worse than a holy kamote down moment.

rehearsals were okay. well, except that most of us were sneezing throughout the run. if not, then we were coughing. basta, in all fairness, it was okay, to think that the cast was composed of sniffling and coughing people. life could be good at times.. other times, well.. go figure.

anyways, during the notes from teacher andre, i felt sooooo horrible. i felt the headaches creeping in, and i can't breathe freely (ick.) and i just felt bad. teacher melanie massaged my back for a while and it felt so good. super comfy. i dunno if she knew that i'm also virused like the absent people or maybe there were manifestations again of my feeling down. basta, thanks, teach! it helped a lot.

i got to YM with michelle kanina. their class (MTB under teacher jun and teacher ems, i think) had their show on may 19th. they did the Happy Prince! wala lang. then jio told me that in the end, they gave the teachers a cake while singing "for good!" like, crap! i loooove that song and it's MY song! wala lang. sana abby, michelle and dandan liked the playshop experience. then ayun, i told michelle that it's true that no can really say if we've been changed for the better. we just have to be happy that because of certain things and people, we slowly changed for good.

i've spent 5 years in playshop. well, if i say "half a decade" it would sound so long! but if i say 5 years, mejo konti lang! hehe.. anyways, in all those 5 years, there would always be things that'd remain the same. and one of those things is that saying goodbye to new-found friends would always be hard. the freakshow last year was just great that we're still in touch until now! but some people forget. some don't stay in touch. and it hurts that it's part of reality and we have to deal with it.

i learned a lot this season. well, i learn new stuff every year, but the learnings this year were doubled. ugh that whole "being in summer stock" thing. if only my mom was okay with a 6pm-10pm everyday sked. i was ready for it naman ah! but at least i'm given MTF. not a bunch of complete professionals, but they were quite easy to learn to love. full of funny antics. bursting with energy, and it's just, well, quite an amazing class to think it's a basic class.

hay, endings aren't always good, but we have no choice. we have to submit ourselves to change. i would be on a philosophy talk hiatus, or maybe it would completely disappear or something. but at least everything happened. at least i'm given what i want. at least there's this teeny bit of satisfaction.

i'm a week away from the show. last few days to bond with MTF. but at least everything happened, and everything will happen.

hurful that there would always be an end to everything. but greater things won't happen if not for the little but nice things that we ended. hadn't i done sideshow, i wouldn't have met the people around me every MWF at 2-7pm!

ugh. forgive. 

is that a man i once adored?

wala lang. ugh! paola's blog kasi eh! i miss you, princess! hehe.. best friend! you left me! you have to pay a visit! and you have to watch the show!

ugh! ick! right after resting and letting myself sweat to death just to get better, i sneezed.. then sneezed.. at ito na naman tayo!

but thanks to the things i live on. thanks to extra joss, pei pa koa, biogesic, tempra, tim horton's green tea and the battalion of medicines for this feel bad moment. ayan ha! unpaid advertisement! you must thank me!

teacher melanie said we shouldn't take pei pa koa before singing. it's menthol daw therefore it dries the throat. ganun pala yun, contrary to popular belief.. so maybe those people who drink pei pa koa and claim to have had their voices restored before singing, are just a bunch of talented people who think that pei pa koa helps in making the voice better. maybe they believed that they could sing well because of pei pa koa, but in truth, they just believed in themselves.

i have to get well! i have to get well! i have to get well! must stop sneezing! must stop colds! must stop cough! i don't want a sermon on monday! i slept for a loooooong time naman today eh!

i'm going to ask my mom na if we can make a recording room here at home with working soundproof walls. i'm not kidding! i need it!

i miss mama ana fe. i miss tarsi. i miss gino. hehe. banaag! i need you! mia! hug!

ate joy and i want to record for good. i'm not sure if i want to be elphaba or glinda when we record it. maybe we'll take turns! hmmm.. and maybe kuya macky can piano for us! heehee.. ate joy! we must sing!

my cd will forever be "in progress" if there's no recording room here at home. ick.

hmmm.. what songs shall i put? 

laura told me last night that i might have sars because i went to china last week and i'm sickeningly sick still. kainis nga eh.. i get sick, feel better, then get horrible again then get better again.. urgh!

when i told aika that i might have sars, i gave part of my will off.. yeah, joke time lang! hehe.. pero if i die tomorrow or whenever......

i'll give some of my cd's to mama ana fe.. and my discman which she won't need.

i'll give aika my violin, my scripts, my phone, my files in my p.c, my phone, my books, and i'll let her come to my house the day after i die then let her pick out the stuff she wants to get.

i'll give jow all my banaag paraphernalia..

and after all that, i'll let all my friends come to my house to pick out stuff they might want or need. all my friends since birth til the day i die.

i'll give away everything.

i'll donate my internal organs to whoever might need.

and if my friends want to have my stuff auctioned, they're free to do so.

 

problem is, i don't have sars, and i'm not dying tomorrow. i have a whole life ahead of me. i have to perform. i have to record pa my cd! i have to spend time with the people who matter to me..

but i'll live each day as if it were my last. life is good.

oh no! it's costume check tomorrow! and i only have my pants ready! i don't exactly know what i'm needing in some of the musical numbers, my top might be arriving tonight if my mom didn't forget to buy. i have earrings. i'm still gonna have to scout for shoes in the hopes of finding the perfect pair. so, good luck na lang sakin!

and this p.c is ultra bagal!

holy kamote.. i was plugging the show kanina (sent text messages to almost everyone in my phonebook) and may iba jan asking about the story of the play. so i was like "watch so you'll find out!" and after much kulits from both sides, i gave in.. hehe.. but of course just teeny bits of info. marketing strategy haha..

i already have the scripts of "the last 5 years" and "aida" in this p.c. will transfer both to the other p.c when my sister's done with her business. eklabooms! her endless computering at the other p.c hinders me from doing my upcoming project! good side of things today:

i'm starting to feel a looooot better! maybe i'll not get a sermon or anything from teacher melanie tomorrow! proof that long hours online doesn't automatically translate to getting flu or some such whatev. i'm sars free!

justine's got her voice back! and i'm sars free! life is being good to MTF! thanks Lord, for lessening the chance of MTF people getting a sermon tomorrow.

but my costumes are still messed up! wish me luck! have to pack!

yey! i'm all virus free already!

we had rehearsal today. que fun. crap lang, it was our second to the last rehearsal at shang. then on wednesday, it's going to be our last time in shang as a class. holy kamote. even if things didn't start off so well, i'm going to miss MTF. i've said that tons of times already and heck i ain't taking that back.

just found out that "The Happy Prince" this year has the songs "For Good" from Wicked and "I Will Never Leave You" from SIDESHOW! kamotee! those are my favoritest songs! i mean, when i heard that there's For Good i was nagwawala out of shock already. and now that i know there's I Will Never Leave You, oh my gosh. freaks galore! now more and more senti showtunes are getting popular *populer.. i wanna be pop-you-ler! hehe* and life is getting duller. but i still want to see Wicked. who's bringing that to the Philippines? i can't wait for a company to produce it. if there'd be auditions i dunno if i'll go through that. but i want to watch it!

great bonding moment with the MTF people after class today. jio was again in his philosophical state (na hindi na yata matatapos!), justine shared her plans for their next school prods. hehe.. i gave her a wicked suggestion! if she considers it, i'm soooo watching!

i want to watch "Aida" by the LSGH Cue Drama Club. and i HAVE to watch "Once on this Island" by AAI. on Wednesday i shall watch "Peter Pan," "The Happy Prince" and "The Lion King" by the other playshop classes. on may 31 i want to watch the streetdance show, and on June 3 i guess "Pendragon" will be enjoyed! go thea! go red! go RED WHO'S GOING TO LET ME IN FOR FREE!! BWAHAHAHAHA!! wish ko lang no.. sige na, red!

there's not really much drama in Mamma Mia in terms of story. well, except for "slipping through my fingers" which struck me kanina lang during company call. onga naman. there are different things a mother hands to us depending on how old we are. when we're babies they give us milk. as pre-schoolers we get lunch boxes. as teenagers we get allowance. and when we're given away, they help us put on our wedding dress.

naisip ko tuloy, holy kamote! when am i getting married? kidding!

hayyy.. i want to sing a bunch of songs right now. pero nga, the people at home will hear me! nakakahiya! if i sing in public, people might hear me too! all the more embarrassing! oh! i remembered! teacher andre told me to have voice lessons. wala lang! he said i should train it daw. eh wala naman akong alam jan sa mga voice voice na yan eh! hehe.. basta kung trip ko to perform, i do it. sana lang, there'd be one day that i could get to do it well. SANA LANG NOH! hehe.. libre mangarap!

life is too short for me to live it poorly. so while i'm at stage 2 (according to the diff. stages teacher k.o. said. impressing yun! wala lang), i'll live well. i'll perform all i want. i'll not waste any opportunities. i'll be on centerstage instead of just staying near the wings. i'll take all chances. take all risks.

shiz, i'm becoming psycho.

and since life is short, tomorrow i shall wake up again. and go on with it. 

can't wait til tomorrow! hehe. i really want to watch the happy prince. kahit anung class basta happy prince okay na ko. oh! and when school starts, abby's going to lend me her cd of their happy prince! and when the video comes out, sana i get to watch it!

oh! i also look forward to watching peter pan and the lion king! nako! MTC is doing the lion king! oh well. i'm fine with what we're doing. it's on friday na eh! and so i've started shameless plugs. (shameless because of the costumes i'm gonna have to wear. shet da pwet, dancing queen! hehe).. so to those who don't know, and to those who have been getting my text messages and my YM messages,

please do watch MAMMA MIA! by playshop's MTF class! it will be on MAY 27, 2005.. 2PM at the sm megamall CINEMA 11! 

this summer ko lang nalaman that there's a cinema 11 sa megamall. i always thought it was just up to cinema 10.

moving on to things that quite make sense (at least compared to the last statement), i found myself a recording room! hehe.. great thing poj has a p.c in his room! i can soooo make use of this! sana lang the p.c cooperates kasi i've been trying to burn a cd and leche. life is complicated. talino ni avril!

violet crumble is the best.

nako nako. it's 11pm na and a number of MTF people are online! haha. nawala lang yung virus eh, nagliliwaliw na naman tayo! tulog na ...... bukas.

kamotee. i have a rehearsal at 12 noon-2:30pm.. then derecho sa mega for the plays we're watching! but i told my mom that i'm having rehearsal at 11am para nndun na ko by 12.

gusto ko na matulog. para mas mabilis yung time. i want to move on to tomorrow because there are a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. then again, if sleep speeds the time, it will be showtime already in no time! hay, playshop is really SOMETHING. ang galing kasi in a span of two months (considering pa that our class is held just thrice a week), there would ALWAYS be a strong bond. i've been to CMTC, MTC, MTG 2003, MTG 2004, and MTF. every year is different, but every year is the same in a sense that i make friends with 30-something truly talented people packed with hearts of gold. it's just... wow!

i suddenly begin to remember kuya macky's classic blog entry on workshop memories.

though i know i should be sleeping, ayoko pa. i suddenly want to slow time down. 

i went to shang at 11am today and bought shoes. i'm right! size 5 pa rin ako sa barbie! yey! anyways, bought the barbie shoes and some barbie stuff pa at rustans.. then went to rehearsal at 12.

it was awfully nice to wait for everyone to get to rehearsal. especially cuz the boys were already complete. it was great to see them do dancing queen. then it was fun to hear patrick singing sophie's parts in thank you for the music. hehe.. in short, we were bangag during rehearsal! maybe we're not morning people. pero after that run, while singing mamma mia (curtain call), i cried.. shiz, i'm such a kid.

thanks to extra joss, i shall survive tomorrow.

i watched the happy prince of MTA and the lion king of MTC. shuzme!

in the happy prince, start pa lang of "i will never leave you" i was crying na! as in super crying and all! the sideshow memories came back. i mean, sure, it wasn't ate caisa and ate jenn singing, but like kuya macky said, even if the ones singing aren't the ones you're used to hearing, as long as it's the same melody and the same lyrics, music has the power to move you.

they sang "for good" in the end. i remembered kuya macky introducing that song to me and i quickly fell in love with the song. then when summer hit, i remember him giving me a minus one of that, and how he taught me to sing it. how he managed to give me pointers in spite of that horrible singing voice of mine. how he got surprised that i can belt the "none of it seems to matter anymooooooooooooore" part. hehe.. and of course, i remember singing it for the blue batch, and singing it on talent day. shiz, i started crying again.

btw, teacher andre's "voice of God" thing is simply the best. shiz! it was so galing! it was so deep and heavenly and whatev! basta! inexplicably great. 

after the happy prince, we were in line again for the next show. next show was the lion king by MTC. tagal pa nga nila nag-open house eh. pero it was well worth the wait! todohan, the young simba was cute. hehe. the way he sang "i just can't wait to be king!" with emphasis on "wait" hehe.. sobrang, everyone was aliw at the kid. then the young nala had a great voice! she's pretty pa! then timon and pumbaa were astig. galing ng voice ni pumbaa. and timon's singing voice pa. basta! yun! and rafiki.. really impressive! and they had percussions pa.. like kajon and bongos.. super, todohan sa south african feel.

i heard them outside the former stageworx earlier eh.  i heard the opening song. tapos nun pa lang, kinilabutan na ko and i was ready to cry. yung blending whatevers nila! ang ganda! super galing! and even if i don't understand the song shiznits (yung parang african chants), hearing the music was totally awesome! parang, i can die now! kainis lang kasi the show was short.

anyhooz, shall go beddy bye now. 11am pa ko tomorrow sa mega! (for the TDR! and to buy some stuff).. good morning, world! 

shiznits. it's the show na tomorrow!

so, to all my friends and friends of friends and whatev, please do watch MAMMA MIA! by playshop 2005's MTF! it'll be on MAY 27 (TOMORROW!), 2pm at the sm megamall CINEMA 11! tickets cost php150. see you there!

now i'm getting all senti!

we started on april 4, and i was only half-wanting to go to that class. i was ultra pissed with the whole "not going to summer stock" thing. how could i have known that i would learn to love this much? wow, God assured me that there really is nothing you can't learn to love. and that you can't get through life by closing doors.

after a while though, i got quite impressed with the class. like i've been saying over and over again, the focus is quite different. AND the confidence is, whoa! i remember the machine exercise that usually takes around 10 minutes to make. kamote, we did it for around 30 seconds lang! i was really surprised because that happens super rarely! basta i really saw something different.

but like kuya macky said, there are things that suck the fun out of workshops. usually, it's the showcase piece. hmmm.. history repeats itself?

though i still know that there's nothing you can't learn to love. that being said, i think i've learned to love rehearsals.. well, maybe cuz there's a food trip after that! in the previous playshop years, we spent after-class moments at starbucks. last year, kfc and a little starbucks. now, times are hard eh! we got no choice but to food court! hehe.

the shang's little gym, new york (which has been torn down now. ), stageworx (which is also down), and pro golf hold a lot of memories for me. even if stageworx and new york are already down, i won't forget that i once breathed and lived in those places.

i don't think i'd be over this for quite a while. sideshow memories haven't even faded yet! this is going to last. the mamma mia people may not be freaks, but they come in quite close!

i'll really miss MTF. the games we played, how we did not need to log roll because we're so comfortable around one another already, how teacher k.o would bring CHOLO who's sooooo cute even if one time his face was covered with spiderman stickers! heehee.

i know that i can't trade trumpets for anything. i found it absolutely hard to escape to china without my teachers knowing. soon, i'll tell. going back, next year shall be pretty tough to think i'm actually NOT considering going to a review class.

like dianne and i agreed on, playshop is a sanctuary. parang dreamland of some kind. it rids the world's concerns for just a while.

so for now, i shall get some sleep as we had a 10pm curfew (we were told to be online ONLY TIL 10PM!) and it's 11:30pm already! whoops! lagot na lang ako kay teacher melanie!! night! see you tomorrow! i love the people who watch playshop shows! heehee. i love MTF. i love theater even if theater hates me.

no full details on everything yet cuz well, i'm totally tired, and leaving for tagaytay in a couple of hours.

but i had a great show. i mean, i wasn't a lead, pero i kind of felt that i loved what i was doing.

admittedly, though, i "waved goodbye with an absent-minded smile." during our prayer, i can't help but let tears fall. eew to think i had eyeliner. buti my tears weren't black. i was looking up to prevent make-up smears, but oh well. i still cried.

when i was fixing my stuff backstage, i saw familiar faces. kuya macky was there! and gab! and michelle and her sister and her classmate! and ilsa! freaks! hay, i miss. oh, and red was also there.. red! LIBRE MO NA KO SA PENDRAGON! and ate joy watched with her friend, teena. hay, the comfort in knowing there'd be people to support you when you perform. shit. i love the feeling. 

after the show, i went to valle 5 for the party of pat/guada/char/pam/sara jane. it was comfy being around people i haven't seen for quite a while. i thought the day was gonna be perfect, though. hay, let's just pretend na wala akong nakita.

life could be good at times, but just when everything's at it's best, some things or people would get in the way.

so, let's divert na lang to the better things in life.

THANKS A LOT to those who watched MAMMA MIA! i had fun performing for you!

to those who didn't get to watch, NOT MY LOSS! kidding. well, get on with your lives. in the future, i'll perform more.. there are a lot more stories for me to tell. 

okay. so here's the full story.

i got to megamall past 11am pa lang nung friday for the show! well, my fault cuz call time was at 12 yata then i told my mom 11. so i was there at 11:30! i went shopping muna. then more shopping. i spent more than a thousand bucks yata pero it's okay. life is fun.

i wasn't in make-up til around 1:30pm and show was at 2pm! so i dressed up and put on my own make-up. but before that, my hair was all curled up na. life is complicated, huh?

a few hours before the show some texts came flooding.. friends apologizing cuz they won't make it to the show. i get those every year. buti they're from different sets of people. pero sometimes it sucks din because hey, the audience is the source of inspiration. well, of course i get strength and motivation from all the teachers i've been under, and in the fact that i do love to perform.. but knowing that the people who matter a lot to you are watching you shine, it's the best feeling ever.

anyways, it was 2pm na and we prayed, we talked, i cried but didn't smear any make-up (good girl!). we warmed up by the circle thingys. when i get to teach/direct i'm gonna do that. anyways, ayun. open house, then people started to trickle in. not as much as the jam-packed footloose and sideshow, but will do!

i was surprised that it was already the last song! i mean, i was just doing the whole thing, doing what i was supposed to do and voila! we were doing the finale! everything happened so fast! oh well.

after the show, i saw familiar faces backstage. kuya macky, ilsa, gab and michelle came to greet me! michelle was with her sister nikki and her other friend. and gab was with kara the gablet! so cute and she REALLY looks like a mini version of gabriela! hay. so fun to see freaks. i didn't get to see ate joy after the show though since she left quite early i think hay. i really live to perform. i’m definitely sticking to theater.

then my mom bought a pair of havaianas (maybe it’s true that once you start buying, you won’t stop anymore.) while poj and i were at the cinema lang. i had my yearbook signed by only a few people cuz i had to go na. and i didn't see cholo in the show! no dose of spiderman! haha! cutie! during TDR i took a pic of him while he was trying to grab my phone. he wasn't smiling though. ugh. 3 year old kids have a lot to learn about vanity.

after show, i went to valle 5 for the part of pat, char, guada, pam and sara jane. had quite a good time, or so i thought. well, actually, it was well-planned. but things happen. oh well. ayun, i wasn’t pushed to the pool but aika hugged me after getting out of the pool so i got wet and i hated it. ick. hated the whole wet feeling cuz i wanted to stay dry! and my top’s not for getting wet! anyways, there were quite a lot of people din. some people had drinks and stuff. i only got a little strawberry vodka. super little that i didn’t get affected by it. then ayun. basta, it was relatively okay. though i guess i had quite a lot of realizations afterwards. i hope my presumptions are false, though. this is one of the few times that i won’t want to be right.

kuya macky’s right. you miss people and not see them for a long time, then when you meet again, everything would be different. you’d say that nothing’s changed but in fact a lot of changes are seen. and you’d end up being uncomfortable. you’d end up not being fond of the person/people anymore. oh well.

ayun, i was actually okay til things got out of hand. i have to make kwento to pat about it. so after the kwento, she’ll be able to get what i’m saying.

then i got home. not as happy as i was upon waking up. after all, party’s over. and, MTF’s come to an end. how could there be anything to look forward to?

following day i went to tagaytay with my cousin. i swear i didn’t deserve to be there because i missed the tribute show. ugh,

i wanted to be on a theater high and watch watch watch. but sked doesn’t agree with me. seryoso. ilang failures na toh, naiiyak na ko sa sobrang inis!

but oh well, life is complicated. hindi naman ako nagkulang sa pagsabi nun.

well, at least i have hope of catching once on this island! hogi said in her blog that they'll have a rerun i august!