a mind is very private..

hay! i'm so tired!

school was crappy. there was this cooking thingy we did today. as usual, i set the table again with my beyond normal settings. i had sarongs, a t.y beanie, and a book in my hands, so i bought a couple sheets of japanese paper and some crayons and poof! table setting. go figure na lang! oh! oh! i know how to fold a napkin already! hahaha! que amazing!

oh, just a thought, i never thought there are real bullies who do the typical bullying stuff at school. wala lang, kadiri silang lahat.

at lunch, on my way down, there was this senior who was like "excuse me! excuse me!" and she kept pushing people. she's been told that what she did was rude, and she said this super lame excuse na sobrang whatever. hay! if i were at the brink of exploding at that time, patay na siguro sha ngayon.

lunch time was just so bad. there was this college girl who made sugod a high schooler kanina. so ill-mannered of the college girl to get into a high school fight. pure immaturity. like, you're picking on someone who's smaller than you only cuz you can't handle a fight with someone older than you. at nagsisisigaw pa sha ah! like, anu yun, primitive? haha! i pity her. she's such an ass.

then at club time, we had this loooooooong discussion on the club grades and all.. then we made an evaluation sheet for us. we were fixing the stuff we need to evaluate, then they were like, "guys! let's think of HONESTY, dedication, etc. kasi may iba jan na nagsasabing ndi sila makakaattend due to some reason tapos nag-iikot lang naman and all.." hehe.. we all looked at ONE person. *BLACKOUT!*

i got picked up an hour after our arranged time. ate phoebe watched this basketball game in ateneo kasi and didn't even tell me na gnun ka-tagal yun! oh well..

on our way home, along the roads of U.P, we saw this kid throwing stones at a small kid. buti na lang the small kid had someone older with him. basta yun, the stones threw at him pa naman were gravel, so shempre sharp yun.. the small kid couldn't do anything but hide his head underneath his brother's arms. nakakaawa yung kid sobra.

what's wrong with them anyways? i mean, bakit may mga tao na hindi mo na nga pinapakelaman, pero pinag-iinitan ka? wala lang, they're sick in the head and they need to hurry cuz they're late for the stupid parade. i also don't get why big people do that on smaller people. i mean, if you're really mean, you'd hurt people your size. if you hurt people smaller than you, you're nothing but a coward.

to hell with people. wala lang, nakaka-aggravate.

hay! i just came home from rehearsal! quite tiring but not for my body -- it's my deranged voice. cuz banaag's going to have some variety show for our season-ender. shit, after that, blue batch bids farewell? oh my gosh, hard to accept..

anyways, my voice is just so ugly, nuff said. kainis.

oh! i've been watching american idol for the past weeks, and whoa, nakakatakot! the mime was just so galing! but no one beats the tomorrow guy.. haha! and the cutest guy ever was the one who danced then put on a blue-green top and sang "isn't she lovely." haaaaaaaaaaayyy,, to die for yung voice nya!

then today i also had a listening session for quite a while. some wicked, l5y, hercules!, then kim lent me an ocr of lion.. i'm having fun! thanks to my discman and my earphones and my cute lil speaker pillow to keep me sane.

so, my mom allowed me to go to the soph night so i feel light as a cloud. hay, can't wait to see people i haven't seen in such a long time! i mean, during the fair i was with them for quite a while lang.. ayun. wala lang! hope all goes well! chka, yun.. sigh..

gosh i think my bed calls. it's only 8:30 but i think i've had enough of today. my head is starting to hurt. ciao. spcp07, see you tomorrow night!

i finally got allowed to go to the soph night of st paul pasig. met up with pat at their spa, then headed to their house for dressing up and for putting on make-up. may i just say that i'm proud of myself cuz i did my own make-up? hahaha..

then we got there at around 6-ish na cuz it was traffic and we got lost pa cuz the venue was hard to find. anyways, pat and i wished ourselves the best of luck given our feet-killing shoes.

well, it turned out quite well naman. i mean, crap, i don't see those people everyday and then the time i'd see them things won't go well? course not. so i guess it was okay. though of course there were those moments when they'd talk then i couldn't relate and i'd begin to feel o.p.. but those didn't last so all was well. we got bored after a while though. vanity struck, and i couldn't help but take pictures OF MYSELF in aika's phone, in pam's phone, and in sara jane's phone. thanks, guys! pictures went well!

then bench had their barx pic taken, and they let me join them din, so it wasn't a bench pic anymore cuz i was there.

don't get me wrong though.. i had fun with bench's company. i got warm, comforting hugs and i felt home again. they really love differently, and i'm thankful for that.

it was nice seeing people whom i haven't seen for the longest time! and to think they're still the same people i've known and learned to love, i felt comfortable.

but then again i wasn't allowed anymore to go to aruba with aika and pat. i guess my acting skills are starting to fade. oh well..

and now it's a new day, and i'm not feeling "home" anymore. but don't fret - it's just a phase and i'll do anything to get over it. as for now, there's still my journal to write on and my pillow to cry on, and the phone to share sentiments with.

thanks a lot pat, aika, pam, bench, and all the people who gave hi's and hello's and those who made small talk and those who hugged me and all..

life's super hard without you guys.

and i must admit, i've been crying since last night ended.

crap, it's hard to console myself - by myself.

today's a nagging day for me. i have to know all the songs the banaagers would sing for the variety show so i could make minus one tracks and mix them into one track for the "back2back2back2back2back2back" part..

then i was texted that someone's going to sing "someone else's story." ah! beautiful song! i can't wait to convert it to minus one! wala lang. ate caisa sang that in the playshop audition before, and at that moment i fell in love with the song (especially because ate caisa did it and her voice was just lovely!) but i didn't know the title of the song so i let it go. now that i know it, hehehe, cover your ears!

hay, the lyrics are just so well-written..

bwiset, i learned about the song right after watching "get over it" (the movie with the midsummernight's dream thing. basta, kirsten dunst sang "dream of me" there.)

hay, ayan tuloy, nagpapaka-hopeless romantic na naman ako.

pauline, tama na.. nasasaktan ka lang..

shit, keso. drama. pfft..

trouble is the girl is me..

hay, "someone else's story" is still playing in my head. i tried to make it kapa in the violin but it's quite hard. harder than "dream of me" pa.. so i have to wait til tomorrow (now "goodbye til tomorrow" starts to play in my head. sheesh..)

i won't be going to school tomorrow for certain reasons. the overpowering reason being my obvious depression that began today. i'm feeling crappy that i haven't written an entry in my journal yet. i'm supposed to do so like last night pa upon coming home.

wah! now "my heart will lead you home" plays in my head. am i a walking iPod or what? request lang kayo, guys!

i'm still downloading stuff for the back2(5x)back of banaag. converting some tracks to minus ones. others, thank God may minus one versions available.

i'm friendster-ing right now din. poj wants to know if the one he's courting (forgive my 8-yr old bro.) has a friendster account. hehe, he's sending hershey's and pink or red roses to jia on feb. 14. oh my gosh, pati ba naman grade2 people nagliligawan na? samantalang ako walang love life. well, actually, hmmmm.... anak ng long-stemmed rose na pink! in short, leche!

i'm YMing with b.a.. catching up! haha! oh my gosh, kuya macky's joining campus idol in ateneo daw! then teacher dan joined stardance in abscbn.. like, trend na ba yun ngayon? haha! ako na lang yata yung ndi nagjjoin s mga gnun eh! hehe,, puro audition lang for plays. well, i'm loving my life the way it is! though i'm having difficulties in reaching my dreams, i'm keeping an eye on them. as master stephen sondheim said, "dreams don't die so keep aneye on your dream" (cuz before you know where you are, there you are!) see? kumakanta na naman ako! i'm such a walking iPod. sana magka-iPod na din ako! para, wala lang! challenge kami ng iPod dahil yung memory ng brain ko mas maraming songs. better pa yung quality dahil sa voice quality ko! haha, shets, biglang gumuho yung mundo!

hay, i'm such a queen. well, a drama queen to be exact. pero ayos lang. without all the freaking out i've been doing, my life would be so boring. kaya thank God i have drama in my life. and thank God that i have the sanctuary called "theater" whenever i'd want to escape from harsh realities by being given the chance to be someone/something else.

again, i have the iPod in my head so songs have been playing non-stop all day!

as said in my last entry, i'm absent today. hay, been recording songs again (and deleting everything i'm recording. some sounded good, some were horrible). sana kasi may soundproof wall dito so that i could record my voice with a better quality. the computer area must be enclosed para i won't be conscious to belt out everything i have to belt out. i get conscious kasi when i'm recording here at home eh.. i mean, i'm aware that my voice sounds quite bad, but at least the confidence level is upped when i'm alone.

download, download, download. hehe,, i'm downloading, but for personal use (and i don't make people pay when i burn cd's) only because i'm aware of how piracy affects singers and actors. i'm good!

oh! kuya macky told me his cd's out, but we didn't get to meet at the beauty and the beast auditions so i haven't any copy of it. the next time we freaks go out, i'll make sure to drop by our h.q (kuya macky's place) in eastwood and get myself something new to feed my discman. my discman is lucky to have me - it plays only the best music. no tase of jologs music in its system yet! lucky are my discman and my earphones and my speaker pillow.

crap, i'm going to school already tomorrow. it's good though that there's no academic shit we have to deal with this week. kaso lang we're ultra cramming for the play in english (which i'm working on. shit, my lines are quite long. must memorize to death.) and the variety show thingy is still in progress. i'm still downloading the music i need..

i'm just a sucker for music. it's all i've been raving about since God knows when.

if i have nothing else to rave about, i might as well shut up.

yahoo! i have the key to recording songs in my p.c! i perfected the craft today! hahaha! i'm such a genius!

anyway, i had this ym convo with pam.. nakaka-senti! basta we talked about people changing. kasi i observed na sa spcp batch 07, shet da pwet, ako lang yung ndi tumangkad. wala na nga sa horizontal, talo rin sa vertical. oh well, like pam said, may face value naman to make up for it eh..

then there's no denying na i became more maarte than before. i mean, crap, kinawawa ko si pat and aika by staying for a looooooooooong time at the girls' room, re-touching the lost make-up (cuz doi, make-up fades with the billions of kisses on both my left and right cheeks).... ayun. sabi ni pam, that's what friends are for. she has a point - only true friends would stay with you, watching you re-touch your make-up even if it takes you an hour to do so..

those true friends? i found right before moving on to high school.. shit, ganun pala sila ka-important. i mean, i know they're important, but i realized that i love them more than i love myself.

i know i'm not making any sense.. forgive. when it comes to friendship, i transform. keso, drama, but true..

ayun, so it's only a few hours before i go back to school. but that doesn't mean i'll stop raving.

drugs ko na yata ang music. it's been affecting me a lot lately. nakakatakot, pero heavenly.

ouch! haha!! when i told pat that i'll be recording my demo cd, pinagtawanan daw ba nya ko? pat, ang sakit! hahaha! oh ano guys, wanna sell copies? wanna acquire copies for a different listening experience? patay tayo jan..

we watched this music video in school today. with the audio stuff i've been doing using adobe audition, and mix in some videos in adobe premiere, and poof! i have my own music video! ah, yes! a dream is a wish my heart makes. my wishes and dreams are forming! i looooove me! in no time, ms america can just resign. (lalalalalalalalalala!)

i'm making a cd for kim and nika and limmie.. then i'm mixing audio stuff for one of the dance clubs in school. career? nah.. hobby lang! when i get older, sarili kong audio na yung minimix ng ibang tao! oh yeah, i'm great! kidding! pero wait, why would i aim for it when i get older pa? hmmmm...

naiinis ako sa june members ng banaag. well, not all of them, pero some people just really get to my nerves. i mean, who wouldn't be frustrated when they'd make excuses to not make it to rehearsals then they'd be seen wandering around the campus or sometimes even in katipunan? wala lang. i know tamad ako to rehearse before, pero i go to either to rehearsals or straight home.

anyway, school's okay this week. no academics! banaag green batch made this presentation thingy, laughtrip sobra! imagine, saint si jow? then ayun, the fun part was, there were no academics!

then before dismissal time, we went to this dome thing with stars and constellations and all. hmmm,, may i just say, i'll never look at stars in a scientific light. i've always loved stars because of the splendor they possess. plus, yung ibang meaning ng stars jan (star=me). chka yung meaning ng stars na ako na lang chka sha yung dapat makaalam.. ayun, basta since then, i've been fascinated with stars. they're comforting to look at. especially when you'd think that you and your best friend/special someone are looking at the same star. hay, keso. whattheheck..

ayun..

to all my fan,
sana maging dalawa ka na..

sana talaga..

shet, drama queen alert.

i gathered a lot of realizations today. mostly on love, which started from frog dissection.

i've read a LOOOOOOOOOT of entries narrating their experiences. quite striking.

for example, brian catbeee said something about how cruel they were to the point that he saw the "children from The Passion" in them. with Jesus as their frog being thrown in the air, being killed little by little. in the frog's case, he died to save us from failure in biology class. but when you look at the bigger picture, Jesus died to save us from sin and death.

next was avery's blog. she said something on the frog's feelings upon dissection. thoughts to ponder on: do they feel hurt as you kill them? do they cry when you pith them? do they cry for help when they move from their natural habitat to this rugged sack? how do they feel upon knowing that they would be killed by merciless students in no time? do they prepare themselves for that? don't they cry for justice?

when you start examining the frog's body parts, you tend to notice that the heart is still beating. i'm thinking, buti pa sha, sigurado tayong may puso sha. eh tayo ba meron nun?

i know i sound quite stupid, but think about it.

wala namang ginagawa yung hayop sayo, tapos papatayin mo ng ganun ka-brutal? parang yung ibang tao sa tabi-tabi.. wala kang ginagawa sa kanya, pero sinasaktan ka nya.. parang mga rapist - ndi mo papakialaman, pero gagalawin ka.

**************NEXT, PLEASE!***********

i read pat's blog. shit, tagos sa puso! upon reading her blog, i realized that yes, love is an illusion. you may be thinking, "oh my gosh, this could be it!" but the two of you see the same thing differently. one simple "hi!" may mean a lot to you, but life goes on for him/her. i mean, saying "hi!" doesn't necessarily translate to saying "i love you, let's get it on tonight!" right?

you're creating your own story. you put meaning to everything. you think that if your world revolves around the person, the action is reciprocated. for some lucky people, that may be the case. but out of the 6 billion and growing population of the world, how many married couples are sure that their love isn't but an illusion? admit it, we put malice into everything. we think that the littlest of the little things are "signs," we always read between the lines to look for double meanings. we try to connect everything to our own deranged love lives.

what is romantic love anyway? is there really such a thing? did man create love?

crap, now i'm questioning everything.

if love does not exist, why will you spank your children? or better yet, why will you have children in the first place if LOVE (both the action and the emotion) is nonexistent?

father ferriols, MERON po ba?

like i told laura, when confusion hits, it gets really confusing.

today has been a pool of interesting conversations, harsh realities, realizations, and questions yet to be answered.

it sucks to be me

i'll hide it muna.. hay, thanks to those who are tagging and posting comments. appreciate it so much.

i can't take this any longer. i've been crying all day for a billion different reasons. i cried during the mass, after getting that REJECTED cd, after hearing that den and ia are running for positions in the student council, and upon realizing that we haven't much time til the english/social playprod - and our group hasn't even started rehearsing.

when confusion hits, it really is confusing. i dunno how to deal with it. i mean, shit.

then later on i was told that the cd i worked on last night wasn't exactly what they wanted. they wanted to change this frigging song into another one. hello? obviously i have deleted everything related to the project i finished because it would eat up a lot of hard drive space. nakakainis na hindi nila ni-finalize yung buong thing bago magpagawa. sayang lang yung pinagpuyatan ko kung ibabasura lang. nakaka-frustrate eh.. anong oras ako natulog para lang matapos yun then this is what i get?


in the afternoon naman, ia asked me to help her in campaigning for her cuz she's running for secretary in next year's student council. den's running for batch rep. naiyak na lang ako bigla cuz if they win, they won't be active banaagers anymore. fine, honorary member sila, but things won't be the same. pano na kami if wala sila? ia and den are such great assets to banaag. i'll miss them so much if ever they win.. ayun, i was thinking of everything kanina - all the advantages and disadvantages of den's and ia's decision to run. then i thought of banaag's bond, naiyak na lang ako..


i was able to see some peformances of the variety show thingy. left at the fashion show part though cuz it was sooooooo long! jow and i had a hard time pa getting a ride home (so we hitched with erika). oh! missy and sir fermin's thing was nice. i like the way they project. like the stares they did were nice. wala lang. hehe.. who am i to say all these? i'm not even pro.

on the way home, it came to me that our scripts haven't been given out yet. what's more, the script which was supposed to be reproduced got lost. so, frustration hit me. i also realized that we haven't been having much meetings and all.. nakakainis, sobra!

there's this banaag curse, that when it's speechfest season, banaagers would always be part of the core. during sophomore year playprod naman, banaagers act as the whole group. i'm not an exception.

i was prod manager in the speechfest. moreover, i'm the lead actor, and i wrote the script and revised it twice (one revision was even done overnight) and muntik na ako magpa-photocopy ng scripts to give to the whole group. like, ako lang ba group 2? ang dami ko naman. sorry pero it's how i feel. frustrating that my groupmates would think, "ah, she's part of banaag. she can handle the acting job well, she knows all about theater. let's make her do the blocking and let's make her play the lead role." fine, i can handle stage jobs, but not alone. given enough manpower, we could pull it off eh! but by myself? cut the crap!

i was asking who could do the photocopying job, and when they're having trouble accomplishing the job, they approach me. heck, i'm not even the director. i'm playing the lead, so why ask me? ako ba dapat laging gumagawa ng paraan? ako ba dapat nakaka-solve ng lahat? oh please! i'm not God.

ayun, so upon finding out that we have like 2 weeks to rehearse for our exam, na-stress ako bigla, and started crying again.


i know my tears won't help accomplish things, but i can do nothing else.

so yesterday was the end of the non-academic week, and today i'm kissing a great day cuz we don't have classes.

we have rehearsals though that i can't attend. grarr..

oh! i had such a great dream last night. hehe, i was auditioning for something and right before i sang, i got accepted. labo noh? hmmm... makes me think of something..

hay nako, i'm still not making any progress in the playprod group. naiinis ako.. groupmates, sorry na lang if ever i always transform when we hold meetings. nakakainis lang kasi yung fact na i explain and explain and i let you guys do your own thing din pero it's such a waste of time dealing with people who don't listen and then ask a billion questions (all of which have been answered previously) after the whole thing. it's such a waste of time listening to suggestions of some, while many others talk about non-sensical things which don't help at all.

i don't like to work with people who need spoonfeeding when they already know what to do. i hate working with unprofessional people. i mean, i know i'm not perfect, but when it comes to work, i take it seriously. we're just going to stage a play for 200 points, but that's 1/3 of our grade both in social studies and in english. hello naman, play na nga lang eh, ibabagsak pa namin.

point being, i know how to work and my groupmates know that stage is my forte, so they're leaving me to do everything. same case with jow. swerte na lang ni abby and jussell and jelyn because jow and i haven't heard any complaints from them. fed up na kami ni jow. hay, like anamae said, it's a banaag curse.

iniikayan ko toh hindi dahil trip ko lang. i cry because i want us to excel, but i can't do it by myself. i need your help, and your dependence on me is just unforgiveable.

i'm not saying that you guys don't know how to work. i just want to point out that i'm sure you can make a lot of effort BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT DOING IT! really frustrating..

i'm not elevating myself to a higher level. i'm just pissed that we're going nowhere.

****take a deep breath, focus****

i need a gallon of coffee. i'm sick of crap.

i have this realization. out of 483 pictures in maya's photobucket account, there are only 63 pictures with me on it. to think that THEY think i'm vain. well, with only 63 out of 483 pictures, this only proves that i'm not vain. i only consumed more or less 13% of the maya's photobucket account.

i don't know how many pictures i have in tippy's camera, kim's camera, pam's camera, p.c's phone, claire's phone, nancy's phone, pam's phone, aika's phone, and how many pictures have been taken in the spcp soph night. i don't know how many pictures i have with kuya marco, tito greg, ate phoebe, my mom, with kuya macky, and gab, and b.a and the whole freak shebang, sir jeff's SLR camera, etc.

only means one thing: my face would stick to people's memories til they die!!

pagtiisan nyo na lang, people!

memories are memories. pictures say a lot. more than a thousand different words (excluding articles and conjunctions) could be said in a single photograph.

it's fun to take pictures not because of vanity, not because of being conceited, not because of being narcissistic. i take pictures because i create memories, i want to preserve friendships, and i want to be part of other people's lives.

it's the campus idol of ateneo na now and i can't watch! hay! grarr.. well, i know kuya macky and his whole shebang of bluereppers are doing great! bet tayo, a bluerepper will win!

so i went to rehearsal today, then to the dentist, then to shang.

we did nothing at rehearsal. did some choreo lang. then ate at world topps. funny, cuz one side of world topps was a whole mirror, then when this girl entered, she thought the place was quite big and BAM! she hit the mirror! hehe..

had my teeth cleaned at the dentist today then went to shang na. my gosh! shang has changed a lot na! nako.. no more stageworx.. wonder where playshop will be held this summer.

speaking of summer, i don't know how to spend it this year! they said i'll spend a month in canada. but wait! how about playshop? how about my FIFTH year in playshop? i don't want to go back to square one. kaso lang, canada is canada. hay! help, people?

sana kasi hk disneyland na lang eh. in the middle of the schoolyear sana para ayos. i don't like to trade playshop for anything eh.. grarr..

going back, ayun, we shopped at shang. we bought a new headset for the p.c which is quite nice. it's a4 tech so the quality's just wow! it records well pa so hmmm.. i guess my demo cd has to wait! i'm excited to make it though. i'm inggit at everyone with their own demo cds. i kept on erasing kasi my tracks so now that i feel like making money (sana lang!), i'm going to push through with it na.

then we bought food, shit, i'm so fat! then i didn't go to landes na cuz i know i'll just end up buying something there.

we bought a pillow at sleepcare! the one with the nice texture. wala lang.

well, pretty much my day. hmmm.. what else? so, our director texted me to study the lines of the mom of my role cuz i might trade with dandan. tsss... ndi nya ba alam na it's hard to memorize? hay, ayoko na nga magsalita. bwiset.

i look forward to better days ahead. it should happen or else!

coolee! we used our new headset to talk online to our cousins in canada. hehe! but well, it's quite late there now and i think michelle's the only one awake cuz she's studying. gosh, i can't believe her - she studies suuuuper hard! no wonder she gets honors a lot.

but still my demo cd is NOT yet in progress. i don't know yet the songs i will sing (well, most of them) and there are songs bound for me to download still. what could be good songs to sing anyways? hmmm.. go figure!

to those who keep on looking for New Yorker in Tondo scripts from me, i don't have one stored in my computer, i'm sorry. what's with that play ba? everyone keeps on asking me for a script of that. well, hmm, siguro dahil WINNING piece yung ginawa ko with cinco, well! hehe,, shit ang yabang ko! pano kasi yung amin, pilit na ginaya nung ibang batch jan, TALO naman pala! hehe.. i'm bad.

i stumbled across Bruce Almighty on star movies (my movies? star eh!) and ayun, was moved to tears. oh, and when i watched snippets of My Little Bride (this really nice korean movie) i cried again!

you see, My Little Bride is a korean movie which is a story of a 15-year old girl in 1st year high school and then she gets married to this guy who is i think 10 years older than she is. go figure. panoorin nyo na lang!

waaaaaah! i have a pimple on my nose! dang. siguro it's a pre-valentine gift from God.

good luck na lang sakin tomorrow. i don't have a date. hay, here goes rants of being single! titigil na ko, promise!

by the way, congrats to the winners of campus idol in ateneo! kuya macky won 2d runner up, and i dunno everyone else who won, but congrats to all of you! sabi sa inyo eh, bluereppers soar high!

i'm doing the progress report on the playprod thing since i know no else will do it. oh well, for the sake of my grade, ginagawa ko. call me stupid, fuck you.

problem is, how can i do a progress report when the group is not progressing at all?

hay, ito nanaman ako. reklamo ng reklamo. kaninong kasalanan ba kasi? ewan!

but it's okay. not that i'm given the chance to write a progress report, now's the time for me to get back at those people who haven't contributed anything to the group. mamatay na lahat ng langaw, ndi pa rin sila kumikilos. leche.


anyway, monday na naman tomorrow. another struggling week for me! endless rehearsals for the variety show which i have to juggle with endless rehearsals for the playprod. isang linggong may minimal na food consumption (which means tipid sa pera kaya ayos lang din), may quizzes cguro and all, then shit, shit, shit.

i won't eat at lunch time and at dismissal time. extra joss must work. balik energy drink na naman ako! nakakainis na!!

pero well, sino bang magrerehearse, eh ako naman yung buong group diba? imagine, of 14 people to put up a production, isa lang yung nagtatrabaho.. scriptwriter, lead role, at gumagawa ng progress report, nagrerevise ng script, at gumagawa ng paraan kung may problema. in the end, siguro monologue na worth 20 minutes na lang yung buong production para walang problema.

ang taray ko ngayon. wala naman akong pms. pero parang meron. help me.


shits! valentine's day bukas! will i spread love? ewan.. kasi baka wala naman mag-spread sakin eh. oh well.. haha,, drama! gabi na nga talaga..

imagine, how many years have i remained single? after nung past na ndi maganda, ilang years na nga ba? hmmm.. oh well, all i know is, he may have his bitch, and i pity that bitch for submitting herself to being fooled. i've once been dumb enough to do the same.

like i said, i'm single, loveless, stressed, dateless and lifeless. but i'm not complaining.

those who have boyfriends at teenage years are just show-offs who know no better. they just want to display something for their friends to be impressed. worse, they only mind people when they have guys' arms wrapped around them. those who get boyfriends at this age are flirts. and the fact that i don't have a boyfriend right now means that i'm disciplined.

all day i've been pouring my guts out to disprove the concept of love. the moment i set foot into my classroom, i've already been sick of the words "happy valentine's day!" which was quite painful to the ears.

i do not believe in the concept of romantic love. that is nothing but a fallacy, nothing but an illusion. romance is nonexistent. romance is a fallacy believed in by humans.

there is no point in loving someone. there is no point in going crazy about someone who doesn't love you back. see? love is a fallacy.

you see, i just read "love is a fallacy" which is a short story by max shulman. hands down! haha! it's quite nice! it was filled with logical thinking and it really makes sense when you think about it. oh, here i go again, talking nonsense.

like i said in a past entry, love is making up your own story. you believe in signs when the one you love does not. you think you're in love and the love is reciprocated once your crush smiles at you. it does not go that way. i'm sorry for crushing dreams, but guys, dream on! love, if it does exist, involves two people who understand and know each other quite well. it accepts faults, accepts aberrations, and all the malformations you have.

no one's created perfect, therefore no one completely accepts faults and aberrations, therefore, love is nonexistent.

love? what love? see? with that simple statement, love is gone. love has been disproved. love is nothing.

love is nothing but an illusion. we have this desire for attention, thus we think we need "love" coming from another person. we start dreaming, we start going crazy, our hormones are on the loose. in the end, it boils down to one thing - we get disappointed in the fact that we are not loved back.

naiinis ako because thousand of couples went to this kiss-fest last saturday. record-breaking event daw yun. paano yun naging record breaking considering only thousands of couples kissed, eh 80 million and growing ang population ng philippines?

what IS love? is there really love? does it really exist? i've been asking myself that for a billion times already, but my questions do not seem to be answered.

"love may not exist, but relationships do. but just in case love exists, then, i love you."

therefore, i dub february 14th, with the help of pam yson, "single people's awareness day."

i arrived at starbucks katipunan today only to be disappointed with the fact that there were a lot of couples both inside and outside of the place. it was flowing with huge bouquets of flowers. a lot of men were well-dressed, ready to meet their dates, and there i was, in their presence, dressed in rehearsal clothes with messed-up hair, mourning once more because i admitted to myself that my endless efforts in disproving love is but a defense mechanism to hide my lack of a love life.

crap.

as the song goes, "at least out loud, i won't say i'm in love."

i had quite a bad day today in terms of playprod rehearsals. i dunno, my groupmates tend to "have fun" a lot that it's just too much. plus, the pictures got lost due to someone we don't know who doesn't know how to operate a camera thus deleting ALL the pictures in the damned memory card.

had fun though during rehearsals for the variety show - NOW THAT's WHAT I CALL "PERFORMING!" haha! when i sang, surprisingly, anamae and aya thought it was a radio! haha!

oh! before i forget, which i won't, let me just plug!

WATCH "SUNNY SIDE UP!" by Banaag! it's a variety show with songs, dances, monologues, band performances and basically some sides of banaag that aren't visible. hehe,, we drift from acting and shift to things we don't normally do in front of people! so, there! hope you watch!

SHOW DATES:
Feb. 22
3:30-4:30p.m
4:30-5:30p.m

Feb. 23
3:30-4:30p.m

Feb. 24
4:00-5:00p.m
5:00-6:00p.m

punta kayo! the sound system is great, the disco ball looks fab, the set is marvelous, and the performances are just.. WOW!

so there! enough of the plugging! today's rehearsal was super fun! the microphones and the speakers and the whole sound shebang's there na! and the disco ball arrived na din! and some costumes were also there. talk about excitement! haha! wala lang.

it's fun to be with family - it's fun to be in banaag!

so to the yellow batch and the green batch, auditions will push through sometime by the end of this month! hope you audition! green batch, this is your last chance to audition!

hmm.. so i plugged again. forgive!

but well, here's to hoping i would make wise choices..

i had a great night last night in spite of some unavoidable and unfortunate events.

apparently, i lent my Sideshow cd to iii-2 cuz they needed it for the speechfest. now that it's over, the cd's gone! imagine how it hurt me! i mean, that's one of my best soundtracks ever! it's part of my collection of soundtracks of different musicals and poof! it's suddenly gone..

i can't believe how people could treat showtunes horribly. some people just don't get show tunes. they're like, "oh, so, you're listening to broadway, tsss." then walk away. believe me, i laugh at you harder because all those alternative and rock and pop music are all pieces of shit. no one hurts my music. no one just throws it away.

out of frustration and the need to release, i figured i had to talk to a co-freak for me to be understood (cuz only freaks understand me).. good thing kuya macky was still up..

i was really crying so hard because that cd meant a lot. i listened to it whenever i needed consolation. i listened to it when i was with freaks, i know all the songs by heart, and i listened to it when i felt lonely. when i felt like i miss the freaks so much, that cd would just pop into my discman and i'd feel home again. now that it's gone, oh well..

kuya macky's really a blessing. when i told him everything, he told me that as long as i know what the music means to me, nobody can take it away from me. a blank cd is quite cheap, to think there are cd's which cost a measly 6 pesos. but burnt right, they could be priceless. also, it doesn't matter where i hear the music. the memories are stored in the melodies. if it's the same notes, the same melody, then it's the same bunch of memories that come with the package.

moreover, he told me that he'll burn me a new sideshow cd PLUS more cd's from plays i might like. that way, we could make more memories as we listen.

wow, freaks are really different. siblings God forgot to relate to me by blood. freaks make me feel loved. they're one of the few people who can do that. galing, sobra!

so, i guess kuya macky does make sense. he's the best big bro ever.


today was the same old school crap-rehearsal kind of day. two rehearsals again, play prod and banaag variety. my groupmates aren't serious about the play prod, so i'm fucked up at them and went to banaag rehearsals at 3:30. i think i made a wise decision. my true theater family deserves me more.

anyways, i shall "slide into my room" after a long, tiring day. must rest. but first, must relish YM convo with ate joy!

there was hardly any progress in the rehearsal today. everyone was windang, and well, the dancers rehearsed for half an hour lang because the turnover ended late.

sir castro dropped by to check out the drum set that the faculty banned will use. he played a little - hands down!!!!! hahaha!

oh! i made a sideshow cd last night to make up for the lost one. only, i extracted the songs from our vcd. freaks, WE HAVE A SOUNDTRACK!! haha! let's sell them and i'm sure we'll float in money! we all did great! the voices in the cd are to die for! oh! and after all the tracks, i also extracted the voices of teacher chari and teacher audie.. hehe,, all the good comments are there in the cd i made. wala lang. freaks, want me to burn copies?

i'm excited and pumped up for the show! i'm having fun rehearsing stuff.. wala lang.. amazing! sana we can keep the sound system! haha! dream on!

i'm bothered. hay, life..

anyway, inis ako sa life ngayon. the banaagers went to watch cyrano but i didn't go..

banaagers, i have kwento for you: observation lang, when we promote our shows, we hear people say that they're not available on show dates for some reasons we needn't hear. then when a sibol play kicks in, our schoolmates go crazy and find ways to be able to go watch their play.

tang inang raging hormones yan! kaya nga siguro..

hay, ibebenta ko na talaga si mia sa yellow batch! magpa-pic ka na kasi, mia!

yesterday's the family day in school. BORING! SUPER! it's supposed to end at 10 but i had me fetched at 8pm cuz it was an ultimate boredom experience and besides, i was super tired na!

we rehearsed a lot yesterday! was supposed to rehearse from 8am-2pm, but we predicted that the family day would be boring so banaag stayed in the tanghalang sinag room til 8pm. bakit, banaag is a family naman ah! family day daw diba? eh everyday is family day in banaag eh!

most of the time, we rehearsed our acts, then we sang to the minus one cds i made. mostly jam session lang, and everyone was hyper! i was like jumping ng over when the banaand and the faculty banned played.

it was fun rehearsing with the faculty banned! hehe.. wala lang. some of them watched us as we rehearsed din. sir aris dubbed us the "cultural studies club" cuz we explored singing and dancing when we're supposed to be acting. oh well, what can i say? move over, sayawatha and glee! haha! kidding! hayaan nyo, in the near future, sports clubs naman papatalbugin namin! TH!

galing talaga ni sir castro mag-drums! hehe.. wala lang. we were so hyped while they were rehearsing! hehe.. kaso lang, minsan, recycled yung songs nila..

banaand is such an awesome band! of course, nanjan c den eh.. plus pam's violin-ing is amazing! guys, better watch out for their lineup. the songs they'll sing are WOW!

so for my schoolmates, please do watch "SUNNY SIDE UP!" by Banaag! show dates are posted all over the high school area! if you could find ways to spend 150 bucks for a 3-hour long, 5-act Sibol play, what's 40 bucks for a QUALITY Banaag show? peace..

i might not go to the play prod rehearsal tomorrow at 8am-6pm. banaag rehearsal tomorrow from 8am-3pm. which is better, family or groupmates, diba? hmmm... hay ewan, sked conflicts are shitty! iba na kasi ang wanted! haha! in my wildest dreams! kulang ko na lang, manager to help me decide which project i'll shoo!

i'm feeling quite bad right now. i must be tired.

we had rehearsal at kim's place today. meeting place was the usual mcdo katipunan, and the 8am call time became a 9am call time. hay, the usual.. i was there at like 7am cuz the car's banned til 10am due to the number coding crap which doesn't work anyway.

i hate late people. like, i'm always trying my best to be early or on time then people come an hour later.

anyway, i asked tricia to do the works on my violin. we killed time playing the piano and the violin. wala akong alam sa piano. patayan na ito!

we rehearsed, then watched the "sideshow" video. they were affected by all the keso in the play, like how daisy and terry loved but only in their minds. then how jake loved violet but violet loved buddy and then violet and buddy got married for the sake of showbusiness. hello? ewan ko sa keso ninyong lahat!

everyone thought that kuya macky and kuya franco are hot! haha! raging hormones talaga..

then we did "magic" and cala, nina and i "bonded" due to some crappy events. hehe, may mapa talaga eh!

went back to mcdo katipunan and waited for my sister.. then went to ateneo to go to the car.

today i learned that i still have a lot to do.. tomorrow there'll be a show, and who knows the loads of homework and the loads of quizzes that might push thru?

hay! we're done with the first two shows of "sunny side up!" and it's quite tiring! yehes, 1 show lang tomorrow! then two more shows on thursday and we're sooo done!

nainis lang ako cuz of n.r people. wala lang. hmph..

tomorrow and on thursday, mia's fans should be there! tama!

anyway, i did nothing in school today. no highlight whatsoever. ui! cooking tomorrow! anak ng sandok. nakakatamad mag-cook! i'm sooo not in the mood, please!

kuya macky texted to ask if we freaks could go out next friday. hmmm.. let me think.. next friday, i shall be tormenting young, fresh souls of aspirants. next week shall be the auditions for the march 2005 batch of banaag! oh yes, i can smell my evil self taking shape!

so to those who want to be part of banaag, the audition will be on march 2, 2005. only the yellow batch and the green batch are allowed to audition. green batch, this march is your last chance to make it. application forms will be available soon. requirements shall include the ff.:

*1x1picture
*application form (which will e available at the banaag bullettin board
*presence of mind
*attitude
*LOTS of CONFIDENCE
*and of course, the X factor!

*********CUT! take five!********

it's kuya franco's birthday tomorrow! haha! must not forget! all the freaks' birthdays are in my planner cuz i'm good! a good freak, i am!

oh! and it's almost march 1! woohoo! 2 years, baby!

sorry for not making any sense. guess i'm done for the day. gigising pa ng maaga bukas.. hay..

it was the last show yesterday. "sunny side up" may have been successful after all! it was my last time to sing, my last time to hear the band play "slide," my last time to see lebs deliver "hinagpis ng ipis" and the blue batch's last time to be onstage.

during the last show, pam delivered "huling hirit" which drove every banaager to tears. it spoke of how the club, well, more of THE PEOPLE in the club, contributed a big part of who she is now. wala lang, senti!

oh! then marcee, joyce, tania, and ida were there! fun fun!

my day ended perfectly, though it started like hell..

imagine, computer class came in first so it automatically gave of life's shit. plus, the handout she made was weird. she (or should i say IT?! fine, i'll go with IT..) asked us to make an invitation for the play prod for english and social studies. nakalagay sa handout, PER GROUP (with the objective: to develop teamwork, and the instruction for the group to work in ONE computer, and the instruction for the leader to assign who will work where. so malamang kung may leader, group work yun diba?) and IT kept on repeating that we should have our individual versions of the invitation and the ticket and the poster!! like, sinong tanga? i understand english with much precision, maybe IT doesn't know a thing in the english language. pfft.

then math class was a bore. i kept on yawning and yawning cuz there was nothing else to do. come recess time, everyone in class had lots of negative energy. i soo felt it!

bio time was spent in the lab, and as predicted, it didn't go well. imagine having to submit 3 lab reports on monday (which meant doing 3 experiments in just 2 periods) and that's just crap, right?

lunch time was spent with good company. i had rehearsal.

but then english period came along. we had discussion and that was just crap. we were given two worksheets (more like workshit) for homework and i almost dozed off again.

oh, and to cap the school day, there was oh-so-useless filipino class. our teacher made a summary of florante and laura, with the usual, staying in just one spot, standing still, shifting weight from one foot to the other, and holding her fan which she taps on the board when the class gets noisy. I'M SICK OF THAT ALREADY! SHE'S BEEN LIKE THAT FOR 10 MONTHS STRAIGHT! grrr... paulit-ulit na lang every filipino time. sawang-sawa na ko! nagsasalita lang naman sha, hindi gumagalaw, hindi naglalakad, at hindi nakakatuwa.. KADIRI NA, SOBRA! then after her 10 years' worth of that summary i didn't listen to (because i know there won't be much of a difference if i listen or not) she gave a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG sermon because she knew that people were sick of her. she was putting the blame on us for not being competitive and interested students. i put the blame on her for simply being boring. hindi naman ako yumaman when i heard her side. so, right now, i'm not any different from who i was before.

buti na lang talaga there's banaag to save me. it was really a successful show.

putang inang fil class.

hay, tama na nga! promise, maganda next entry ko..

ayokong magpaka-plastic. grarr pa rin ang mood ko ngayon!

i hate doing this lab report crap. i don't see any point as to why i have to fool around and waste my time doing this.

plus, may long test tomorrow, p.e tomorrow, may quiz sa english and sa math tomorrow.. what if tomorrow never comes?

if that does happen, walang bio long test, walang p.e, walang quiz sa english, walang quiz sa math.. pero, wala din banaag auditions, wala din akong mapapahirapang banaag aspirant.

corny.

i'm so not making any sense. pagbigyan.

i read the bulletin board post of ate jenn. there's this thing that you have to write your name then state beside your name if you're single or not. single daw sha and it's not funny anymore. say ko? halos lahat ng freaks single ngayon. kaya tayo tayo na lang din siguro ang magpakabulok. ayos!

my gosh, monday na naman bukas. anung gagawin ko? wala namang kwenta pumasok sa school eh. school is so overrated. anung magagawa ko sa adverbial clauses kung maging singer ako? anung gagawin ko sa quadratic inequalities kung maging actor ako? anung matututunan ko sa pag-dissect ng kawawang palakang walang kamalay-malay kung maging isang computer programmer ako? anung gagawin ko sa asian history lessons? sa computer class na walang kwenta? sa pag-aral ng florante at laura? everything's just so pointless. hindi ka naman sasagot ng physics exam kung mag-aapply ka bilang t.v host. yang mga skwelahan na yan, gusto lang nila kumita ng pera. sayang yung tinatrabaho ng magulang kung sa school lang napupunta. lalo na kung ang jologs pa ng quality of education. at pinakamasaklap, kung jologs yung mga nagtuturo.

ilang linggo na lang tapos na ang kalahati ng high school life ko. anung road ko pagkatapos? hindi ko alam. basta dapat akong mag-playshop at maging masaya. bawal ang jologs na summer.

i saved na for playshop class. kaya kung pupunta man ako ng canada sa may, sayang yung pera ko. shet. sila na lang kasi pumunta dito! mapapa-shopping lang ako dun.

today was the first day of the banaag auditions. all those who auditioned (the aspiring actors, that is) were soooooo submissive to mediocrity. i didn't see any willingness in them!

there are people who audition and become liked right away. in their case, zero. none. absolutely none. nada. wala.

i don't like to deal with people who have the potential but are wasteful of what they possess. however, i don't like people who don't have the potential but feel that they do have "it," thus being persistent and auditioning her heart out.

banaagers' lives are in danger. hahaha! there were people who flunked the auditions today.. oh well.. there'll be greener pastures for them, and those greener pastures aren't found in banaag.

if you feel you didn't try hard enough, malas mo for not doing your best.
if you poured your guts out and you still didn't make it, push harder. that's not yet your all.
if you threatened to kill us if we flunked you, that's a different story.

okay, i have to cool down.

i must admit, i'm afraid of banaag's to-be direction. with the quality of actors who are auditioning (psychotic killer people who don't know michael jackson?!), i don't think the people in the world are still matino. imagine, we found a counterpart of american idol's mary roach!

i'm mean, but i do think that we have a surplus of actors. actually, a surplus of bad actors. there are countless winners of talent searches who don't really know how to act. no one knows the meaning of "talent" anymore. if the bad actors were sparks of light, then we'd have 10 years' worth of fireworks displays all over the world.

it's not how many theater groups you've been part of. you join a theater group to enhance a given talent. you don't join a theater group to acquire a talent you don't naturally have.

so to those who didn't audition today, you wasted an opportunity. to those who made it through today's audition, be ready for tomorrow. to those who failed, like i said, learn to find your light (playshop 2002?!). to those who backed out at the last minute, i bet you're pouring regrets right now. to those who will back out tomorrow, you wasted banaag's precious time. to those who will audition in the future, i wish you survival.

*******************************************

i love you, rainbow of my life.

*******************************************

hmm. what else. i'm sleepy. good night, world!